Hi Guys, here's my story. I've been in and out of 12 step programs for over 12 years. 11 years ago I got into a great streak of program work. a few series of 1 year stretches of sobriety followed most recently by a 4 year 2 month sobriety stretch. That last one ended this fall. After moving the family to Israel for a temporary job (but not Aliyah) I didn't have a strong enough support network, and couldn't handle the stress, and have been slipping a lot. Lately staying away from the online garbage for more than a week has been a struggle. 

So I signed up here to give something new a try. I am accepting the 90 day trial and will take it up. Starting today. I've gotten 90 day chips before and know what I need to do when i am in a "stringing days together" kind of status:
*not use the internet at home
*surround myself with recovery
*work the steps with program buddies
*get to meetings as much as possible
*Prayer, meditation, exercise
*self care

I am committing to this program, one day at a time, and it begins again (or continues) today. 

God bless

May Gd bless you!

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!

Hey!
Hang around and share some of your wisdom as you go, we (I) need some more active seasoned veterans to show us (me) the way! You will also gain a lot from some of the other veteran's threads.
There is a small minority here on the forum in Israel...
Much Hatzlocha

Hatzlacha Rabbah!!!

Can I recommend one more thing: Be Happy! Nothing gives the addict a knock out punch like some genuine happiness! Who needs porn when life is good???

Welcome,

Lookin'I forward to gettin' to know youI.

B'hatzlachah

Welcome!

Alright, looks like you've got some good tools. Let us know how it goes!

workingmyprogram wrote on 21 Mar 2017 16:19:

I used to punish myself when things were going too well and i was 'very' happy with some p & m.
How dare i be so happy!
More importantly I would say is learning how to deal with the ups and the downs.
As my therapist said, you can't have only good feelings and suppress the bad feelings. You need to be able to truck through all the different times by getting to know yourself.
IMO Real simcha comes from knowing and feeling you are doing the right things in Hashems eyes by doing His Will.

Welcome
let us know how we can help

Wow! Long haul of a journey! May hashem grant you much success!

GrowStrong wrote on 22 Mar 2017 09:35:

My friend, what you're describing is not real happiness. The happiness I'm talking about is simcha. Simcha is a deep inner joy and satisfaction which comes from a good attitude towards life. We don't feel a need to punish ourselves when we feel simcha, and we certainly don't feel simcha when looking at porn. When you feel simcha you won't need "p & m".

workingmyprogram wrote on 24 Mar 2017 14:36:

How do you get to real simcha if you are acting out?
You didn't paste the second part that I said.


Do you just ignore it (The fact that you are not really doing what he wants you to do - all the time) ?
And I am not talking about guilt here.
I have been blessed in my life, and I have also experienced BH much simcha, but it didn't stop me from acting out within a few days, and that vicious cycle of then not really being able to be in simcha just went round and round in circles. 
But you are right that punish is likely the wrong word. What I experienced after acting out was the punishment. (The disconnection)

GrowStrong wrote on 25 Mar 2017 20:39:

The answer is to focus on what you're doing right while continuing to work on not acting out. You say that "you're not really doing what He wants you to do". Is that true? Are you doing NOTHING that He wants you to do? If you think about it I'm sure that you could find many things that you are doing that are exactly what He wants you to do. Or are you saying the unless you are doing EVERYTHING he wants you to do then you'll allow yourself to be happy? But is that ever going to happen? Are you ever going to be so perfect that your midos and actions are exactly as Hashem desires them? You know that the answer is no. So I guess you'll never allow yourself to be happy, nebach.

Do you have children? Are they perfect? Do you love them even though their not perfect? Of course.  So why is Hashem any different?  As a parent, all I want to see is that my children are working on themselves. They are constantly making mistakes, and I could care less because I talk to them about, maybe discipline them, and then I see they are trying to improve.  I don't even think I want them to be perfect, I would rather them be human. Hashem is the same way.  At least He should be, if He's not, then you need a new Hashem :-). I hope what I'm saying makes sense to you.  

We make such a big issue out of acting out, with the sobriety dates, charts, wall of honor, etc...... that it becomes the central issue in our life, which completely defines our whole sense of self worth. If we don't act out, we feel we are amazing, tzaddikim, successful. If we act out, we feel worthless, a failure, miserable.  What if a business was run that way?  What would happen if the owner of the business decided that the WHOLE business was worthless just because there was ONE product that wasn't selling well, even losing money, while the others are selling ok? Should he view the whole business as worthless? Of course not.  Sounds like crazy thinking to me, but that's what were doing when we say we're not entitled to simcha because we are acting out, even though we're working on it. Sounds like the yetzer has you where he wants you, forcing you to focus on the area that you're struggling in and ignoring everything you're doing right. NOW FIGHT BACK!!!

I don't think you really answered my questions.
You just repeated yourself.
I think the answer is a simple single word.
Recovery.
I have absolutely no background of who you are or what you are struggling with. Are you struggling or did you get cured since your last visits here in 2012?
Maybe re introduce yourself somewhere- it sure sounds like you made it past 5 days since your last foray here, your story might help inspire others here how they can change.
Did you conclude you are an addict or just someone with a big yetzer hara.
As for your last paragraph that doesn't describe me at all.
But I don't really think you fully read what I said in both posts.
I was not talking about when one is in recovery.
I was posing the question for the soul who is not in recovery yet.
I totally do not identify with anything in your post, and I find Simcha to be a key to living and life.
I also wasn't talking about myself in the now, BH, but I never said I wasn't entitled to Simcha. I said that true Simcha is not so simple or easy to get to when you are involved in the opposite of what Tatty/Abba wants from you.
As an addict I can tell you that telling me to Be b'Simcha would have not helped me whether I was actively actin good out or having one of my off days.
Especially as someone who is so full of Simcha

Welcome.