Hi all, I am a regualr Yeshivish guy, married with 2 kids and I can't believe this has actually happened! I have struggled as a teenager and young adult with masturbation, pornography etc and after really hard work I managed to keep clean for ages. More than two years. 
 Suddenly, the past few weeks I have been struggling in this area and today was finally the day that I FAILED!!!
 I just can't believe it!! I feel like all the hard work is for nothing. I am trying to stay positive and not get too down about it. I also don't want to fall into a new habit of failings again.

Thanks for listening!

shlompy wrote on 16 Mar 2017 22:36:


First, change your name- why shlompy? Is that from shlump? If so, you got to at least make believe you feel more positive.

It is definitely NOT a waste- because no one can take those years away from you, and also because you must have learned some skills.

How did you fall? What access did you have? What can you do to change it?

Check out people's stories here and you'll learn a ton.

This is something we all go through, we can stop for years and then it comes out of the woods again!
We have to change from within!

Welcome 

let us know how we can help

The name I just came up with out of the blue, didn't think about it too much. Thinking back to three days ago I'm not writing the past couple of years off and just considering this as a blip.

KOPAT

keep on posting and trucking 

Welcome! And Hatzlocha. May you rid yourself of failings! But remember, failures lead to greater successes.

Welcome!  You say "suddenly, the past few weeks...".  What changed?  Can you pinpoint anything? A specific stress?  A change in situation?  Anything that would trigger a "need" to act out.  It could be an emotional trigger, like stress or lonliness.  Or just being in a situation that makes shmiras aynayim more difficult.

Step one is to figure out what the triggers are and make gedorim.  You have had great success in the past.  That may be all you need.

Whatever you do, don't let it get you down.  That is a sure path to acting out again.  It happened.  It's in the past.  Move on.

You do need to learn from the past to plan for the future, but don't let it be a source of sadness or depression.  That is just a  weapon of the Y"H.

You may want to check out the handbook.  It may give you some ideas.

Welcome!!

Chas vsholom to think all that work was for naught! 
You may have lost a battle but its a war, dont give up!! keep at it!!

I heard once if I remember well it fro Rabbi Avigdor Miller Z"L
That as our purpose and work here in Olam Haza is to grow higher and higher and when one reached a high that on his current level he has no room to growth .
at that time hashem may purposely make that person relapse that will cause tremendous pain and suffering of feeling all my heard work wasn't worth while  ,  and test the person how will he act now? Will he have a full drop and give up or will he be able to overlook all this and keep himself from falling again.
This is the test only people with a long term soberty can reach.

And we all have to keep in mind
that;
Although our desire is to be a total  free person.
Our ultimate goal is to serve hashem and Hashem appreciates and counts each and every success we have no different how big or small, as long we are on the salvation path. 

Hatzlucha Meriba

Current level, he has no more room left to grow!? Is that like Dov or Gevurah?

Hashem m(a)y purposely make that person relapse that will cause tremendous pain and suffering. What a loving God you have.

Maybe all this is true, maybe not, but this kind of thinking never got me anywhere positive.

Trouble wrote on 21 Mar 2017 13:59:


Trouble,
I hear you, and hear how this can be an upsetting idea. And definitely if it doesn't work for you then don't go for it.

I think what he was saying is that sometimes we've really got stuff under control- we're good, we've "got it covered" and we seem to have finally gotten stuff in order.

And then.......just when you thought it was safe....(cue scary music).....something crazy happens and sets you back and you're like "G-d, what the #%*?! I've been a good boy, been working hard, what's UP WITH THIS?" And I think what he's saying is that if you look at life as a test, or better as an exercise regimen for your personal growth, the answer is "Hey Trouble, you've been bench pressing 200 for a year now, I think it's time to put some more weight on the bar so you can build some more muscle and grow more."

That's how many explain why our challenges seem to get harder as we go on.

But in any theological explanation you can always ask- but why did He do that in the first place? And then like you said, just forget it and do what works for you.

One big problem that people have is getting caught up with number of days sober. As if having two years made you a perfect tzaddik and now that you have nothing you're just a worthless rasha. Maybe you're equally (or even more) precious in Hashem's eyes now with no sober time than before? Who knows. The point is that amount of sober time means nothing. If you want to gauge your place, just ask yourself this simple question: Where is my heart today? Do I want to do the right thing? Do I want to be close to Hashem? Do I want to be a good husband, parent, son, etc...? If so, then you're on the right track and I believe that's all Hashem wants from us. Of course, we need a willingness to take action too.  But ditch the guilt and beating yourself up. It's not gonna help. In my experience, it's only going to want to make you act out more to kill the guilt. BTW, the same yetzer that tells us to act out, beats us up afterwards for doing it because he knows it will lead to more acting out. So view yourself as a business that has been making lots of $$$ all along, has tremendously good products, but had a day where it lost money. Big deal. Does that mean the whole business is garbage? Of course not. We're not perfect. Will never be. All the gods of this program who people love to quote are also human and struggling just like us. Maybe not in the area of porn and sex anymore, but with other things. To be a Jew means to mess up! Just looks at history and you'll see what I mean. As a people, we're constantly messing up. Our leaders have all made mistakes. But that's ok. We're here to mess up. And that's why the Torah is so blunt and honest about the sins of our forefathers, because it's teaching us that no matter how "holy" you are, failure is inevitable. BUT, and this is a big but, what we also see from our forefathers is that they always did tshuva. So follow the Rambam. Admit your sin to Hashem, regret that you did, and resolve not to do it again. Simple. Then put it behind you forever and move forward like it never existed.  I wish you a healthy recovery, full of self acceptance and love!

WOW
I am so with you on this, guilt is the biggest enemy of growth.
Thank You 

This is a quote on this inyon I think it was from rav shach
"no matter what you do, you can't lose the times that you won, but the times that you lost you can lose via teshuva"