iI'm a bit depressed today I want to commit to at least 5 minutes on my 4th step, writing fears and grattitudes, a letter to God and at least 5 minutes of cleaning my apt all today. I'll iyh post that I completed my commitment.

It is a great madreiga when one who is depressed, instead of throwing in the towel, commits to working a program that involves effort, dealing with tough emotions, facing resentments and fears (that nobody naturally tends to enjoy doing in the best of times), and courageously posting that he will follow up with a post when done - thus being mechayev himself to actually do what he said he would do. It also tells us that Mike is BH a great man and will b'ezras Hashem break free.

DDone. I'm still depressed (someone really bothered me I prayed for him and wrote 4th step) I won't act out tonight even if my...
Tomorrow is a brand new day. Worst case scenario next week is a brand new year....

Hey Mike. I just got done reading all your posts. I was wrong to assume that your posts are average, they aren't. You are an interesting guy for a lot of reasons. One is that you like SA but so far it hasn't realized its true potential for you. Another one is that you know how to write. And you suffer from anxiety, depression and addiction. And you take medications (and you are physically addicted to them) and they may or may not be helping you. I've done therapy and I'm pretty sure psycho medicines do very little above placebo. They screw you up and then you need to keep taking them, but they don't necessarily help you in the way you hoped. And your therapist may prescribe them because he doesn't understand what else to do for you.

I think you keep running really hard towards better mental health but you are not running in a straight line. And I fear that it's because the real issue may be a mildly bipolar type of problem, like I have. When you are up you want to do the program (which you love). And when you are down you jump off the wagon with both feet because you are down (you know the feeling.)

But you don't understand WHY you are up when you are up, and why you are down when you are down. And until you understand it you are stuck with this. It's a logical nexus in your brain which is too humiliating to acknowledge because it means that you have no intrinsic worth. "I am worthwhile if and only if -----"

But I like your writing and your humor.

I think I am about twenty years older than you. I may have insights that could help (or not.) I don't usually do phone calls, but for you I would make exceptions. I think you are worth it, and I know things about people.

 I'm a bit depressed. I can't think of anything  to do despite a million things to do. I wanna commit to sitting with my fourth step and a pen for at least 5 mins.
(my swifkey auto correct just thought of a better word than pen- p*rn)

Update: Commitment fulfilled

most of my recent posts start off with I'm a little depressed. I'm BH not always depressed usually I'm not these days. I just tend to post when I am depressed.

I a o 

mikestruggling wrote on 17 Sep 2018 04:28:

I a  t h

Markz wrote on 17 Sep 2018 04:32:

? I don't get you did you chap what I wrote?

mikestruggling wrote on 17 Sep 2018 04:38:


I meant "I Am Sorry To Hear"

what did you mean to say

Markz wrote on 17 Sep 2018 04:40:

iit seems like you understood me correctly 

Hang in there Mike,

mikestruggling wrote on 17 Sep 2018 12:46:

Maybe write a daily mood log?

mikestruggling wrote on 17 Sep 2018 12:46:

 WHY FINISH WITH A SAD FACE?????
At least someone understands you! 

I'm in the pits. I rationalize that "OK I'm back to regular". I'm gonna daven for the ability to be completely honest with myself and understand my 1st step properly (just how dangerous porn masturbating etc. is for me).
will try to keep everyone updated. 
A Gutte Moied