Hello all,
I'm a "normal yungerman" (for lack of better term, I don't think I deserve that title). I've unfortunately been in a slow and vicious death spiral for almost 8(!!!) years now, with many ups and downs, (more downs I think..).  I finally started the 90 day challenge last summer and actually made it to 69 days...I believe the longest I have ever been truly clean since starting.  But the yetzer hara would not let it go just like that..On day 69 the dam finally broke open and its been all hell since then.. (almost 3 months!) It all came back with a vengeance. Just when I thought I was finally getting past it and opening a new bright chapter in life.
After hitting a real low today I'm starting my chart again..But what can I say, I don't really believe I can overcome this for good..The temptation is just too great at times and there are just too many unavoidable triggers for me.. I know we get credit for every time we abstain and I owe to myself and my family to try...But honesty I have turned my life and brain into a lifeless shadow of what I once was..That great shimmering potential that  once glimmered ahead and fused me with direction and energy just feels infinitely out of reach..
I am just not who I used to be and will never be able to develop into the man I could have become.

Hi Dreamer,
Welcome and great job staying clean for 69 days!!
​First off, you have to believe you can ditch this bad habit, in order to do anything you need a positive outlook.  you have to realize that while triggers seem unavoidable they are avoidable with a little help.
Would you care to share what are your struggles and triggers? We are here to help you
-360gye

Welcome back,

HaveI you read the gye handbook?

You gonna stay with us brother?

Welcome!  Many felt just like you.  Many fell much lower than you.  Many have picked themselves up and put their life back together.

Check out the handbook.  Keep sharing here.  There is a lot of collective wisdom here.

I tried to break free for close to 20 years with little success.  Joining GYE was the beginning of my journey to sobriety. B"H I'm sober for upwards of 7 1/2 years now.  I had given up too.  Thought it just wassn't possible.

Stick around.  Check out the dov quotes (see the link in my signature).  Again,  keep posting and sharing.  We all have successes and failures to learn from, and we are here to listen, share, give chizzuk.

It is possible. NEVER GIVE UP!

Welcome. You're in the right place.

First of all please take time to read through the GYE handbook.  No two people are the same, everyone has a slightly different set of circumstances, but we all share this problem and since we share the problem we can share the solution too. The book is written in a general way so it can apply to everyone. I found it helpful to really think about what the book was saying and how it applied to me and my own life.

This is a very common problem nowadays, you're far from the only one to deal with it. The word addict gets thrown around quite a lot, but most people who struggle with this issue are not addicts, just normal people with a normal yetzer hora. Which is good. Some people have come to realise that they really are addicts because their situation got gradually worse and worse despite working on it. When I say worse I mean, in frequency, severity or just feeling worse after every slip. If that is the case we may need more than GYE, which most people find to be therapy or SA or both. But I wouldn't jump to that conclusion about you. Many people have overcome this challenge right here on GYE using the tools in the handbook.

So stick around. Keep posting, keep reading and keep on trucking.

I found through recovery, that when I learned how to deal with my lust issues properly, a new world of honesty and self awareness led to new vistas of self growth.
Not only did I get back to where I was before but I became stronger, healthier, and more motivated than I was before. 
While I regret the aveiros that I did, I am happy that I was able to use the yerida to grow more than I might have otherwise. 

I know you don't really believe all of that negative stuff about yourself,
or you wouldn't name yourself: Dreamer  !

Never give up on yourself. HaShem loves you.
Refuse to stay down and you will eventually succeed.
Just the fact that you are trying is already meaningful and precious to HaShem.

Listen to these shiurim; they are amazing:
guardyoureyes.com/kosher-isle/shiurim/category/rabbi-shafier
12 shiurim called The Fight
guardyoureyes.com/kosher-isle/shiurim/category/chosson-shiurim
17 short shiurim called The Choson Shmooze you wish you had, but never got

Welcome! I felt very similar when I first started here. You might relate to some of my thread in the married section -"walking Baal Tashchis".
 wishing you much Hatzlacha!

Thanks everyone for the warm response..good to share the burden with others..
I have gone through various parts of the handbook but will try to thoroughly read and will follow up on the other links people suggested..
Part of my problem is that I'm impulsive and easily inspired by nature. (Probably a trait many here share..) I can therefore get dragged in easily by a trigger and conversely I may get easily inspired to stop and build fences afterward...But my vulnerable and impressionable nature will get dragged back in eventually after my positive inspiration dissipates and when a strong trigger is encountered..or even just when given the time and opportunity to indulge again..
I have tried various filter and accountability methods and even some shvuah fences..(some times I've succeeded in staying clean then, at other times I've had to pay the consequences..) But I find when I lock myself out eventually I just have to find "a way out".. To the point where I sometimes feel the barriers are counter productive...Eventually I get my way and find some loophole or even a non-internet alternative..
But obviously living in the Wild West web without fences is also quite dangerous and destructive and ultimately leads to falling in..
So you are damned if you do and damned if you don't...
I just wish I would have never done that catastrophic first curious "google 8 years ago that shattered my innocence and ultimately my yiras shamayim and spiritual sensitivities.. 

Dreamer wrote on 20 Jan 2017 05:37:

Glad you found your way here

Don't worry. If you hadn't done that google search 8 years ago, you'd have done one 7 years 364 days ago. Unless it was a Shabbos. Then 7 years 363 days ago.
All's I'm saying is, what happened happened. And you will become a much greater person because of it.
I love your rigorous honesty. You don't feel that you can beat this. You're powerless, no? Wonderful! That's step 1. (Literally! Look it up!)
So look around, read the handbook, find a good set of tools you can use to help you on this. And know you're not alone

I forgot how to quote a highlighted post, but please read Watson's post again.
Forget the addiction talk. 
The active group of posters are very caring and nice, but you may find yourself
in the twilight zone very soon.

Your post focuses primarily on "fences" of one sort or another.  Recovery focuses on living in a way that you are not tempted to go near those fences (at least most of the time). 

"holding your breath", or "white knuckling" is not recovery. Although it is sometimes necessary.  It can't be a way of life.

gibbor120 wrote on 20 Jan 2017 17:45:

Some do Chopstics (cord')
Some play Tag
Some do Fencing
I like Loopholing

What does a non-Internet alternative mean? Is that real life acting out or does that mean that you buy a magazine or something? I'm asking because it's important to share your story with the details. Of course if you're not comfortable yet feel free not too