Brother no one knows you. If you can't share much on this hide behind curtain forum, it'll take you looooooooooong time to find the way out 

Perhaps read some threads and look for gyes that you relate to 

westg wrote on 11 Nov 2016 04:22:

טיפה סרוחה

ok i will try i am in my 30s and have a great family b"h but no one knows whats really going on inside of me. i have been struggling for years from when i was a bucher and then it was only magazines i bought at 7/11 and hid but then it turned into phone sex with really stupid (probably unattractive and fat) and i knew that but that was ok with a little imagination and then it turned into the next level with a few frum laddies who where on the phone sex chat line (never did i do it with anyone other then my wife) but i really keeped falling ... clubs... and mre if you had similar things please please let me know i need to speak to some one that doesn't thunk i am a pervert and we can get chizuk from each other (i just have to stop here bec a cant believe i have even wrote this' this is my most inner guts please email me at gyehoping@gmail.com thank you sooooooooooo much

I hear your pain.

Many people have done all this and far worse and are now doing well in recovery. You can too. Hatzlocho.

II think you're a pervert, but so am I.
 others here are as well.

That's why we are here.

But guess what? Even perverts can live healthy, fulfilling, productive lives.
It takes work though.

B'hatzlachah

And my email is mentioned below, in my signature.

your right i sure am and thats why i am stuck in this mud i cant look at people any more with out thinking about ...

Welcome!  Take a deep breath.  Chillax.  We all did "bad stuff".  There are a boatload of people on this site with the same problem or worse, some not as bad.  It doesn't matter.  We don't judge here.  We try to help. We share what worked/didn't work for us.  We give chizzuk.  We share jokes (although that part could use some chizzuk). 

I see you are opening up bit by bit.  It's hard at first, but it is liberating.  DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!  Don't worry about embarrasement.  If you don't take care of this, it will not get better, only worse.  Guaranteed.

We're here for you.  Open up. Keep posting.  Get in your truck, and get on the road to recovery!  You'll be happy you did, and so will your family, even though they don't know it.

 today i think i am a goner i have to restart my whole restart, i bumped into this site 4 days ago (gye) and i really started feeling a little better about myself but i lost my civil war last night big time i mean big time almost rock bottom and i am so depressed that right after i started to be mickosik after years of fighting dovening and crying and i mean it!! i have a few kobulos i never broke (one for 6 yrs and another for 11 months) i thought i had the strength and conviction to fight it but once that trigger went off last night it was like someone stole my body and just took me over i am so down about it its crazy i think it may take some time to come back and restart this again...why does this always happen to me right after i really really try to "take on this fight FOR REAL" ??????????????????? i think i need a time out just to stop being upset at myself

I must echo what the strong guy said

"I see you are opening up bit by bit.  It's hard at first, but it is liberating.  DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!  Don't worry about embarrasement.  If you don't take care of this, it will not get better, only worse.  Guaranteed"

Its taking you longer than some others, and it's fine. For example you didn't specify even in general term how you fell recently...

Each share you write is painful, and I feel the pain, ober that's the way to go 

westg wrote on 15 Nov 2016 15:21:

Reb westg,

I'll let you in on a little secret of mine, ready? I also fell yesterday and did something which I didn't do the past 4 years, I know what you must feel like and I feel the same, but I also know that quitting ain't an option because then I will feel even worse, so I spoke to my sponsor and admitted what happened and that helped me move on and try again..... 

Trust me bro, there's nothing you have done which no one else did, which means that you came to the right place, all you need to do is look around and start using the tools this place offers . ...

Farshtiest?

Keep trucking bro, it's your only option anyway!

I sent you my email address. Someone above suggested you read some threads here. Did you do that? It sounded like a good suggestion.  Check out this article it talks about the constant build up, fail and them reset. Hint: Building up sobriety and a program of recovery works. Building up your urges doesn't.

guardyoureyes.com/12-step/item/sick-of-the-nuclear-reset-button



Hatzlacha

serenity wrote on 15 Nov 2016 19:11:

As they say "Time takes time."