Its been a while since I have simply posted and shared my personal challenges. Its a privilege and honor to be able to participate with you guys. This Forum is a such a breathe of fresh air in a world full of sheker and narcissism.
So here's the story. Been doin' pretty well - especially compared to those dark depressive days.
Living life following a simple program that works for me.
Then came Erev Sukkos. There were a number of heavy duty pressures coming at me in different directions. You know - I forgot how connected anxiety is to this compulsion - at least in my case. As I was driving I felt the old familiar tingling. Boruch Hashem it was not any where near the intensity of the "worst of times."
However, I know all too well if these thoughts are simply allowed to linger the end result aint too pretty. 

Again I am reminded that "The Challenge" is still there, is always there, recovering we can be, but cured? not during our lifetime -

The pull always seems just under the surface, ready to gather strength and courage - to pounce and once again take charge and make my life unmanageable and a living H____.

Regardless of the fact I am in my fifties and my testosterone must be down accordingly.

Hey didn't Bill Clinton have his fling with Monica Lewinsky in his fifties? Isn't Bill Cosby accused of things he allegedly did well into his sixties?
Gotta be aware. Tweek my gedarim, connect to G-d appropriately and hold strong before the currents build up to the point of high resistance.

Thanks for listening.

yiraishamaim wrote on 27 Oct 2016 03:13:

You're welcome 

Nice to hear from you.
 your testosterone ain't going nowhere.

B'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote on 27 Oct 2016 03:55:

Hell, I've been lusting since I was 4 or 5! Testosterone ain't my issue.

Funny you say that, I remember having strong compulsions from about age 5.

Good point. But troubling and creepy no?

yiraishamaim wrote on 27 Oct 2016 12:52:

II didn't, but I sure have made up for it since then.

yiraishamaim wrote on 27 Oct 2016 12:52:

I don't find it troubling or creepy. It's proof for me that I was always an addict. Also, I didn't choose that, God gave it to me and he has never done anything bad to me.

Well said. Thank you for that.

I am sharing an old post of mine to give but one example of what seems to be an experience of lust issues well before the game should have begun.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/253797-SOBRIETY?limit=15&start=60


Having said that. I know in my own journey there is a cycle of experiences. In short I have acted out/ then fell R"L. Then serious changes and conviction, recovery is as blissful as can be and then slow and steady the old familiar ...
Yesterday I was apprehensive that the the old familiar was lifting its ugly head once more. I decided to post again besides for other things.

Shlomo24's mentioning of the fact that lust began so early in his life reinforced in me a "fear" that yes I as well have that.

So natural it is for me to lust that I started at an unusually early age. I guess its really rooted in me and I better be extra extra on guard, tweaking, talk to others etc...

For me as well. Very early age, I guess also because of sexualized society. But I remember thinking to myself as a 6,7 year old if it would be possible to convince a girl my age to do perverted things. I think it is in line with what the Torah tells us. From the moment Adam harishon sinned we have this yetzer in us which can show at a really early age. Even with the Torah we need siyata dishmaya to help us. And like it literally led to death the first time. So will it with each and every one of us if we don't keep it in check. Something to remember every day.

Yeah. Yeah. The stakes are high. "Hachaim v'Hamaves". Our choice.

"Hakol Bashamaim Chutz Miyireh Shamaim"

It may well be an illness/addiction but we do have the choice to seek appropriate assistance and follow through on our part.

We another thing in common Mr. Mitgaber - but this one is more on the positive side.

We both have chosen names to go by on the forum that we wish to actually grow into.

All the best in your journey!

yiraishamaim wrote on 30 Oct 2016 19:18:

I don't know how much the quote relates to this problem, however, I do like the point made. My choices are to put in actions of recovery. Recovery is up to God. I also have the choice to be willing to go to all lengths and to maintain a positive attitude.

yiraishamaim wrote on 27 Oct 2016 03:13:

Yirai, it's great to have you back, even if the push to come was from a darker place. The forum isn't the same without you. 
I've been quoting you in my signiture for who knows how long on that exact point that you wrote above. Check it out. The link is "yirai's memories" below in the signiture.

stillgoing wrote on 31 Oct 2016 14:33:

I have observed an attitude that  those who have put forth great efforts for sobriety and have accumulated significant clean days all share.
At once they have great empathy for the frustrated souls who suffer this dreaded compulsion but have zero tolerance for anyone not willing to do anything and everything for the sake of their sobriety.