Hi everyone here's my story, I was 14 years old and I was on aim with my friends and we were chatting. All of a sudden I saw a pop up of a gorgeous beautiful women and she asked if I wanted to chat with her. She gave me this link to go to and said we can cam each other and all that. At first I was a little hissitiant to do something like that. But eventually I gave in I regret it tell this day and am so I ashamed with myself. I bought like 3 computers and broke all of them eventually (so I can't cam with them) but I still have the issue of watching stuff I shouldn't be. I eventually got older and told myself if I get married I well stop because no I have a outlet. But eventually I went back after like 6 months of our marriage and things were going down hell. I have one son who I love so much. I WANT TO STOP SO BADLY BUT IM NOT SURE WHERE TO START, MY WIFE DOESNT KNOW AND I DONT WANT HER TOO, SHE WELL NEVER LOOK AT ME THE SAME. I JUST WANT TO BEAT THIS AVERA BH AND DO THE RIGHT THINGS IN LIFE .

Welcome and thanks for sharing. I can relate to your experience that you thought marriage would help you to stop. Many of us found that marriage didn't help the problem and it may even have become worse after. What I crave can't be given to me through marriage and that is part of what sets me apart from normal people. I'm attracted to the intrigue and to the forbidden. I use sex and lust to escape from reality. A wife doesn't give me any of that. You mention shame, which of course is normal, but shame never stopped a person like me from acting out. For me I'm not even really sure I'm ashamed of the behaviors. I crave and desire the behaviors, I was more ashamed that I couldn't control myself (ego) and that I was lying to my family, friends and community (double life). In order for me to stop, I had to face the fact that I personally have no problem with my acting out. The proof is that I loved doing it, no matter how wrong it may have been, and deep down I still wish it was acceptable behavior. To be honest, I would prefer a world in which Torah and society had no problem with me going to a strip club and then coming home to dinner with my wife and letting her know how great of a tine I had and she would love me even more for it. Deep down that's my ideal world. Oh Yakov your such a tzadik, you should spend more time at the strip club. It's good for you. You work hard all day, you deserve it. The fact for me is that even if it was muttar and my wife encouraged it, I don't want to do it anymore because it was destroying my life and I don't want to live that way anymore, at least for today. I hope this wasn't too much to drop on you being new here and all, but it's what was on my mind. Hatzlacha!

That was amazing thank you for writing all of that. Thank you I know exactly how u feel because that's the way I feel as well. But we got to do what we got to do! Can I ask you a question? I see your streak is 401 days Baruch HaShem, keep it up , can I know what inspires u everyday to continue you the path and what keeps your spark going. Also, when you feel like you want to do a avera what do u do to stop yourself? 
Thank you so much for replying 

Hey Orzag613,
welcome to gye and thanks for posting your story. In my time here i found there are many tools on gye, find what works for you. I can understand where you are coming from, that this is due to one stupid mistake, but can not relate to the marriage aspect, as i am single.A rule that i live by is to not dwell on the past, and live in the now. 
Keep posting

serenity wrote on 30 Aug 2016 20:47:

You've got the x factor!

BS"D

Sholom aleichem,
After a long hiatus I decided to try again and start posting again. Even though I wasnt a very regular poster on this forum I like to get reinvolved again. I like the post of Serenity on this topic very much, I could very  much relate to it.
Even though I converted to Judaism 15 years ago, sometimes my Yetser Horah gives me the feeling that I would have wanted that the world would have been so  much different. What can I tell you, Nireh Keheter! Rachmonah Litzlan. Atzas HaYetser. I have been falling and falling, even though I had been involved in pornography already for years, I thought I would be able to kick the habit once Jewish. But of course Yiras Shomayim doesnt come from wishful thinking. Already all those years I try to figure out what can give me those breaks. In public life a big Yiras Chayt, but the Hesach HaDaas is so big. Besayter?? Forget about it. All those years instead of going to kollel I went to a computer about twice a week. I never got the Geschmack that one is supposed to develop in Torah (still heavily leaning on the Artscroll Gemoreh and Mishnayos.
Anyways, this was not my private blog, so I will not elaborate here. I just wanted to say (or write for that matter) how much I appreciate verybodies honesty and openess. Hashem Yeracheim Olaynu that He Boruch Hu will have Rachmones with us and give us the controls that we need to keep ourselves in check.
Today I am on the third day of abstaining. Unfortunately that is already a record for the whole past year. Usually on the third day I throw the towel, see what will happen today....

All the best to all

It's always the first day, chaver. We only have today. 

Correct, and although Moshe said the only thing Gd asks from us is Yiras Shomayim that's not what's gonna get you sober

What will?

We need Yiras Shomayim to accept our situation in life and take the successful steps to sobriety, follow Serenity's lead and KEEP ON TRUCKING

What inspires me is that my life is so much better when I'm sober. My relationship with my wife and children is better. My finances are better. I can enjoy being alive. I can daven free of guilt. I feel good about myself. I see that others have maintained sobriety and live a better life because of it.

Concerning urges, I try to maintain a daily program of sobriety. Some of the things I do and have done are coming here to engage in sobriety with others, helping others, making phone calls to people in recovery and to friends and family, going to meetings, going to therapy, trying to keep a schedule, etc.  When I have urges, I do things like praying for the well being of the person I'm lusting after, call my sponsor, call people in the program, call family members, pray for the urge to be removed, remind myself that I'm sick and that I will be miserable if I act on my urges, remind myself that I don't have to act on my urges - that it's a choice, remind myself how good my life is right now, realize how crappy it will be to have to call my sponsor and tell him I acted out. If I feel I'm losing focus and slipping in general I will go to a meeting and do a first step share. I'm probably due for one about now.

serenity wrote on 31 Aug 2016 12:59:

cords, is this another x factor perhaps?? 

amazingly written serenity. Quite inspirational! 

Welcome!  Your desparation is apparent.  Make a committment to turn it into action and DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.  It's worth it.  Many have found help here.  You can too.

Hey guys hope everyone is doing great. I have a quick question so bh bh I'm on day 6 it feels easier a little but at the same time I still have urges. Does it get easier at all? Does it get harder? What should I be expecting as the days go on

I can't tell you what to expect, nor can i say what other people went through. All i can do is relate my experiences. I am going on 3 weeks clean and honestly as time goes on i don't think about urges as much as when/before i started. I can also tell you that when i was clean for 2.5yrs (look at my forum "GYE" for story) i did not think about it at all until my fall, months ago.
Stay strong 

It varies, but in general it should get easier.  That said, some days may still be difficult.  There are probably some dov quotes on "white knuckling".  Why not check out the "dov quotes" link in my signature.

You have already taken a big step and that is just being. For myself and I know for many others here this step has been the beginning of a remarkable journey to regain their lives. Keep on posting, have a look around the site and you will begin to develop a greater understanding of your situation and what you can do to improve it.