Hi All,

I'm 35 years old. Married with kids. I am currently finishing therapy for issues not directly related to my addiction. (Obviously the addiction had an effect on the other issues.)
I'm, as of today Five days clean and counting.
I hope that I'll be able to pull thru it all.
A little about me personally.
I am an intelligent, smart, good hearted man. I am Chasidish by birth, not so much in hearth. 
I am also ADHD that wasn't treated till adulthood, clinically depressed.
​I have a college degree and am a well thought after person in my profession.
Having said all that, it's almost scary  to think that with all what I stand to lose if caught, I still, up till now, couldn't refrain from acting out. Even not just in the privacy of my home.

Welcome!!!

Thank you for sharing. Many people don't stop until they get caught, but you can catch yourself. At least that's what Dov said on his call the other day. Part of that is perhaps coming to a realization of all that you are losing right now. And it may be hard at this point to see all the damage you are causing, but rest assured it is a lot worse than you think. The longer you stay sober the more you will probably come to that realization. Some guys here can't even admit to that as a possibility, R"L. They think they aren't hurting anyone. While we are in active addiction it is very hard for is to see how much damage we are causing and what we are losing right now. The last time I thought I was for sure caught it was almost a relief. I was at a point that what I would lose by getting caught (and it would be a lot) was starting to look like a better option for me because I was destroying myself anyway. I had about 10 more years in addiction at the time than you did. I was probably pretty similarly situated to you at your age. The next 10 years took a big toll on my life. So catch yourself right now, chaver. And you only have to "pull through" today. Tomorrow will come in good time. 

Thanks Markz

And Congrats on your 90 days!!!!

Thanks, but 90 isn't accurate. And hey would you do me a favor and share your opinion on this recent thread

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/294207

Thanks Serenity!
I know exactly what you're saying. I went thru the whole nine yards except the getting caught. I too was at a point where I felt I got nothing to lose. I was ready to give up on my wife and kids. There were days that I completely lost my will to live. It's only by help from Hashem that I didn't have suicidal thoughts, otherwise who knows where I would have been today.

Maybe you can have something like 500 days and struggling!

I'm not struggling in the literal sense, but I know my triggers and have put some fences that seem to work for me BH, ODAAT

movingaround wrote on 22 Aug 2016 19:07:

I heard someone calling my name.

cordnoy wrote on 22 Aug 2016 19:32:

Oh, I didn't know your name was "Something" 

Welcome!  Did you discuss addiction in therapy?  Are you done with therapy because you don't need it any more.

The nature of addiction is that we will do things that are don't make any sense in order to hold on to the addiction.

Keep posting!

gibbor120 wrote on 22 Aug 2016 21:08:


Thanks Gibbor!

Yes I have discussed the addiction in therapy. My therapist, being that she is an addiction specialist, didn't want to treat it.
However, it is her opinion that my addiction is habitual by nature. Which means that I'm only acting out because that's what I'm used to. As soon as I develop alternative soothing activities I should be able to overcome.