Dear Friends,

I am fairly new to this site and truthfully quite new to beginning my own journey to recovery. I’d like to share very briefly my own story and hope doing so will allow me  to admit to myself more than anyone else, that I indeed have this problem.

 I remember being as young as 10 or 11 when I started viewing inappropriate pictures on my computer and being so interested in what I was viewing, but now knowing why. In high school, I engaged in what I thought was normal behavior at the time but now in hindsight, I realized was an uncontrollable desire for pornography. I remember feeling so ashamed that I couldn’t stop acting out even into college, when I was spending most of my day in the beis midrash. I remember wondering when is this going to stop. “Ok so next year this nonsense will stop… definitely next rosh hashana I won’t have this lingering over my head”. I’m tired of dreading the yomim noraim because of my shame and guilt over acting out in direct contrast to what I know G-d wants from me. I’m tired of making excuses for myself  and the all of the self-deception. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself.

This destructive pattern has continued and I can’t control it. On the one hand, I know what my triggers are, but on the other hand, the desire overcomes me without me being aware of it – and that’s the part that frightens me. It’s one thing to avoid the triggers, but it’s a whole different ballgame when I don’t even know what’s coming.

I want to stop so badly, but I know there is no cure. I still haven’t accepted this dirty and dark secret about myself and had to come out of my bubble just write it out on this forum. However -  I’m getting there. I am terrified for my wife to find out about my past and present, but she is also my main reason for wanting to cut this out. I want to improve, I want to get past this, I want to be less impulsive and be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I’m struggling, period and I need help. So this is my first step.

It’s a one day at a time battle for me and I’m looking for a parter/sponsor to help me out on my journey, and I’m open to any and all suggestions of how others have begun their process of recovery.  Thanks for reading.

welcome you came to the right place.
it's easier to accept that your an addict and and realize you can't do it yourself.
then trying to fight this and always losing.
read the handbooks and hatzlacha.

Welcome

You are amongst friends.
A little tidbit: if your wife is the main reason you wanna stop, you might not end up stopping.....but maybe you will.

B'hatzlachah

benyakov wrote on 25 Jul 2016 19:59:

BY that was like a post of someone that's been here for a couple of weeks!

Sounds like you're doing great.

KEEP ON TRUCKING

and sherman follow cordnoy he can be funny too, you might not laugh, but maybe you will...

Welcome buddy! It's great that you're able to come out of isolation; that itslef is a BIG step towards recovery.
I wouldn't run to call yourself an addict (although it certainly may be attractive to some); it's not a label that anyone but yourself can decide. Period. Get involved on the forum. There are many great guys here. Try the phone conferences (Dov's Desperados can really help a lot with understanding the 12 Steps and recovery in general).

Remember: recovery is like the stock market; it goes up and down. It will never be "easy", but it can be brought under control with the right coping mechinisims. The 12 Steps are really good for some, others may have to go to therapy.
YOU CAN DO IT!
Keep on trucking (Makz:frowning:)

Good job the frowning moji doesn't work

Welcome!! The fact that you have shared your struggle in such an open way is a great start. There are a lot of great resources on here to help you along the way, and most of all, the wonderful people to give you personal encouragement. You are not alone.

Concerning your wife; some may disagree, and I am sure each situation is different, but I found it to be a relief when I expressed my struggle to her. She at first didn't understand, and was very hurt thinking I didn't find her attractive. But after this initial hurt, she has begun to understand. I, though others may not find it appropriate, explained to her how my lust became more than a natural thing. It has helped our relationship greatly and she has become my true chava. This is how I dealt with this issue, but you must decide (with Hashem's assistance) how to handle this.

But as someone said in Tehillim "against you, you alone, have I done this evil". It must be our relationship to Hashem that motivates us to sincerely address this issue. But I believe in doing it for this reason, doing it for the sake of our wives is included, seeing we are "one flesh".

May Hashem grant you strength in your battle!!!

Please do not tell the wife, unless you're willing to risk more than you can imagine

The Free Towing page below has a few nice links to preview on the topic
See #8 on this link

I also added another post tonight on a different thread here
 

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Thanks so much for the responses everyone, I really appreciate it.  In terms of my wife, I'm just not at the stage where I'm ready to tell her  and feel that it would do way more harm than good at this point, but maybe I'm deceiving myself, I don't know.   I really wish I could do the phone conferences, but they pose a challenge as to when I can realistically listen in during work/after work/at home??  I feel that a sponsor would be the best way to go right now, but I'm having some trouble finding one.  Any suggestions?

Thanks again

Welcome!  Wow! I can totally relate to what you wrote.  Dreading R"H, next year I'll stop, not wanting to admit that I can't stop.  I'm one step ahead of you.  My wife caught me after over 10 years married.  It wasn't pretty, but B"H we are in a much better place now.  I'm sober BA"H for 7 years now.  I could not do it withgout outside help.  One of my BIG motivations to stay sober is not wanting to live through that hell again.  It took a long time for my wife to trust me again.

Read the handbook.  Keep posting.  Many have gotten help here.  You can too.  I wish you hatzlacha!