Take a deep breath - It's gonna be good!!



Pickup the phone, today or Tomorrow

Keep On Trucking

OTR wrote on 23 Mar 2016 16:34:

First, your thread is definitely an inspiration to me, so keep it up!

I saw your post about having an action plan for slips/falls, and I also think this is a really important point for me, though I confess I have yet to put it into action effectively.  I had a sponsor who said that what he did was develop a lust of other people he could reach out to when he felt an urge coming on and he would call someone up and say "I saw a picture of XXX and I started thinking about how I would like to XXX" and that was his way of surrendering his lust.  This one doesn't quite resonate with me, but it may with you or someone else.  He also had his personal boundaries or rules, and he would have to call his sponsor/rabbi if ever he broke one of them. This one was a wake-up call for me - making a "boundary" and deciding that I will tell my Rabbi if I ever break it are two very different things.  But I do find that only seeking outside help and support will help me get up and dust myself off after a fall.  Just wanted to share, for what it's worth.   

I realize this may or may not be interesting to you atm OTR, but I'm trying to bait you into responding...

Yosef

Thanks I'll take the bait... I'm not going to disappear. This is my life. I need to realize that. Sober or acting out,  I need a support group to help me keep my mind straight. As far as what you wrote, I really could not share this with my family rav. I just can't go there. BUt I really do want to get a sponsor. I have been thinking about it for a few weeks. I need one.  I davened a while back for Hashem to help me find someone who i could trust, who was sober for  a reasonable period of time, and who I could talk to face to face. That would really help me a lot. Sobriety buddies as well in person- I could really use that. 

Yes the action plan is now at its moment. Time to kick in and not let myself get shlepped into depression, destruction etc... 

Why did this happen I need to ask myself. To be perfectly honest I think I know why and I have shared a few of the causes on the call. ok- battling is wrong. I need to surrender. I need to share and surrender. 

OTR - you have been a tremendous inspiration for me, and to me it is clear as day that you will get back on the horse [truck?] and keep at it. This disease is larger than any of us. It can swallow us alive. And it often does. Sometimes the answer is "what can I do differently this time." But sometimes the answer is "Just keep at it and eventually all the hard work will start clicking into place." You and only you can know the difference. Sometimes its like trying to start a lawnmower - you know with the cord that you have to pull real hard - you pull once - it seems to catch but doesnt. Do you say "what can I do diffrently?" no! You pull again. and again. And suddenly the engine roars to life. So, either way, I wish you all the best. You have alot of friends here who are rooting for you. 

That lawnmower mashal is pretty good. As someone who gets caught up in my own thoughts a lot, I have a tendency to sometimes over analyze. But sometimes you have tojust pull the cord again. I woke up today and thought ugh... day one. ... all the  way back here at the very beginning...  But that's another example of the thinking that gets me into negative patterns for prolonged periods of time, diving my distance from family and self. I DID and AM  building a better life. W hy I acted out? Hard to pin down.. but I've decided to think about that more art a later time. Now I have to just concentrate on being  sober for today,  and appreciating the value of that. Even If I continue on this new pattern and have more quality in my life and sober times, it's an improvement from the emotional state I've been in. 

Hi OTR sorry to hear of your fall. But I'm sure you'll be Back On Track in no time

As far as the lawnmower moshol, even if the solution is to keep pulling the cord, there are still changes that can be tried. Fiddling with the throttle, and the choke, checking the air filter, spraying starter fluid in the carb, etc. The same with us, the major effort may be the same thing over and over, but sometimes the small changes are what make a difference.

Speaking of pulling the "Cord"... our dear friend and call leader won't be around much this week but I think he's still checking his emails.

 

Ouch!
Dammit!
Stop, that hurts!
No, don't keep yankin' the damn cord! 
Let go and let God!
When you keep tryin' that cord, you think that you are in charge. You/I and others are not in control. We don't know the answers. We can't explain it, not our falls, not our sobriety. Why? Cause it's not us. When we fully accept that, we can move on. That is why step 1-3 is not as easy as it looks. People say that step 4 is the doozy, and that's true....it is tough to write all that happened to us and how it effected us and what we can do about it, but it pales in comparison to the mindset required in the first few steps. To fully give up, surrenderin' our willpower and strength and thinkin', and to finally realize (those of us who are addicted) that we will not beat this thin', we will not ride the truck down the highway, we will not beat it to submission, but rather, we will give up, look above, and say and feel that we are ready to let Him lead, let Him in, and then and only then can we start workin'.

B'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote on 04 Apr 2016 17:43:

This has just been put on the "Post of the year" section.

cordnoy wrote on 04 Apr 2016 17:43:

I understand your point and it is well taken. The point of the "cord" mashal is that while sometimes we say that one who does the same thing again and again and expects something different is an .... , Sometimes a person does have it right - in this case surrendering to Hashem as you so eloquently explained - and then its about keeping at it until Hashem performs that miracle for him. Anyway, refreshing to read as always. 

cordnoy wrote on 04 Apr 2016 17:43:

What does that actually mean in practical terms?

eslaasos wrote on 04 Apr 2016 22:02:

That is a very good question.
I will let the experts enlighten us.
But, I will tell you this from experience.... I was able to practice the above only after I came to the realization that my life was unmanageable and that I did not have any tools in my shed to fix that.

Immediately preceding my acting out, I was actually amidst working on a business  opportunity that came to fruition after many months of work. This is actually a pretty big upswing tone as things are improving.. I'm asking myself- why now? Why at a good time was I so compelled to act out?

 was it the defeated addict in me that wants to self destruct?

 was out the nervousness of seeing this effort co me to fruition and hoping it went well

 was it just because inside me I got tired of being sober and wanted some 'excitement.'

That llast one scares me more than anything... 

OTR wrote on 05 Apr 2016 04:39:


I want to offer another option that was relevant to me when I would act out when good things were happening. It's a little convoluted, but here goes.

Many of us guys with these problems feel unworthy, dishonest, full of shame, etc. because of our acting out, we feel that we don't really deserve anything good because we are "so bad" and almost expect bad things to happen.

But then good things start to happen, and it's frightening, bc we think we're not worthy of it to last. So subconsciously, we act out which makes us feel even more unworthy. That way, we figure that for sure all the hatzlacha is going to go down the drain and so we don't have to worry about living with success that can leave at any moment, bc we've destroyed the success.

It sounds crazy, but addicts have a self sabotaging behavior so maybe that's what it is.

cordnoy wrote on 04 Apr 2016 22:59:

You're not "working" the Steps? You're just sitting back, and G-d is doing it all for you?

Correct me if I'm wrong, "working" the steps is not working on sobriety, that's what Hashem is doing.