Ok, I had opened a new screen ID because I had forgotten how to get into this one. But This is who I started GYE (or GUE at that time for old timers) as originally, and this is the screen name I want to use. I have never posted in THIS forum using OTR as I was here in the past when we were on the old forum platform. But OTR for anyone who remembers me is who I was, am and will be here  going forward.

- Getting to the matter at hand because who really cares about the sginificance of an anonymous screen name..... What's different this time?

-My wife does NOT know that I am joining the forum now. Actually she is not aware too much of my current condition. 
- I am not here because I was embarassed into coming, or (as previously) because my wife caught me and I knew I needed to do 'something'.

There was something very cutesy and supportive about my previous experiecne. You know... my wife was proud that I was on the forum, I told her about some of the jokes... etc....  And I think, had I continued keeping myself out of isolation, that I would have probably remained in recovery for longer. Especially seeing how the tools on this forum have grown....

But this time I am here because I want to be here. I am not necessarily looking to share my epxerience here with my wife, because this is about me and my life and my desire to leave this side of me behind. 

What drove me to come back? I have nothing else to offer myself to improve, broken nedarim that worked well for a really long time but then eventually I transgressed.;... I took apart and put together my faith, my understanding of my higher power. At about 40 years old, I said ok what am I doing with my life, is this what I want? What do I want.... It was not Hashem as we call it in yiddishkeit, it was Truth- emmess. wanting to be a person of the truth and connect to the truth becuase that is the only thing that is stable in life.
And one thing it requires is being good to your word- which I wasn't... So what did I have left to say for myself? Not much.....

Through this I realized (again) that I have no other recourse but to reach out to others and get help with this. I called an old GYE buddy or two... got no reply. So I need to start again.... 

In a way the fact that I am here now, not because of external shame, but because I want to be a person of truth, true to myself, true to who I want to be... I think that makes this a little more real.

That is one thought that I have.... There are so many interesting things to get out in writing, I can't get them all down at once..... But I am starting on my 3 preliminary days toward getting on the 90 day chart, installing proper filters and getting back on the road or on track or whatever you call it to get straight and become who I really want and am supposed to be.  

 

Great stuff!
Welcome again!
Wish i would know where this "truth" you talk about can be found.
I have been in recovery for quite some time now; I do a lot of speakin' about honesty and openness, but "truth"!? I am nowhere near that!
From the Iowa cornfields here, when we get on the highway, we sometimes see signs for South Dakota or even Memphis, but "Truth"; I ain't never seen that one.

Sorry if I sound a bit down, but I am.

b'hatzlachah to you

Why is honesty different than truth? To me when I say truth I mean being honest with myself. I am not honest with my wife at this point, I have not opened up to her in a while to speak in general terms, and  never voluntarily told  her that I acted out.  Maybe that is not honest and not right.

I mean that I can't stand the secret inside and want to change to do what I know is the truth. Stop lying to myself through my actions. Not because it is yiddishkeit even. Just because it is clear to my mind that acting out leads me to hurt myself in many ways and it is not good for me.

Since that is intellectually clear to me, I want to act like that. But the insane part inside me gets me going against that truth and throw away the good opportunities I have before me.

That was what I mean to say (i think...) 

I got a lot to sort through.  So many loose threads of thought

Right now I am tryin to figure out how to get my icon to stop flashing that i have thousands of clean days behind me... I want it to be accurate. Although I am shortchanging myself, I would like to have it read that I have made 90 days becuase I have, But it should not read 1k cumulative days... We got time for that... 



 

To do's- 
Get google number and route to my phone.
Correct my cumulative count to be accurate.
​Get back to reading the white book 
Read the GYE handbook
Develop the 'one minute' stall for when I feel like acting out
Try to connect with old recovery buddies 
Don;t overdue the amount of time I am actively working on recovery. If i spend the same amount of time on this forum as I do on porn and acting out that's also not good. 
 

Hey not all "recovery buddies" are old

Keep On Trucking

Welcome back!

Thanks shteebs. 

OTR wrote on 18 Feb 2016 17:51:

I don't think you mean the truth; it sounds like you are referrin' to unmanageability.
Life is unmanageable in its current state.

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote on 18 Feb 2016 17:06:




 

And that is the longest mile GS....

What does GUE stand for?

Shlomo24 wrote on 19 Feb 2016 02:51:

The website used to be guard ur eyes.

That brought a smile to my face... 

Seriously!

All right. Well I made it to level one. I have one day of sobriety behind me. I need to start looking for  a sponsor and doing my first step inventory. Funy how I woke up today with a lot less enthusiasm about getting sober. Yesterday I was going to - 'get to 90' today I was like- uh '1 day i'm nowhere.' But I did get my icon to display correctly where I'm at that was good. Previously it was telling everyone on GYE that I had 2k days of sobriety behind me and that is not where I am at yet. But I do really have more than 91 cumulative days of sobriety..

WHy is this important to me to clarify? Is it because I want to have an accurate vision of who I am? I think so. I used to keep a log of how my sobriety was going. Eventually I always got depressed when it went down and gave up. BUt I do have those logs and I am going to fill them in. Something powerful about focusing on the cumulative days of sobriety. I can look back and see at least something for my struggles.