I can’t say for sure whether I am an addict or not… for a while I have been saying I’m not but I think I might have been fooling myself. It’s hard to distinguish between a natural tendency, a habit, and an addiction unless someone can clarify that for me, my gut feeling is I am an addict.But in any case, I am not getting married based on the assumption my worries will vanish in thin air and I don’t even know if it will help me or not.  It seems marriage has helped for some at least in the beginning but the problem just came back later on. I am not sure if it has to do with the fact we just have to “let it out” and the help marriage gives dissipates when the excitement dissipates. Then, as Shlomo24 pointed out, that he would still have the addiction even if he was allowed to masturbate so to one would still have the addiction after marriage; he just happens to be allowed to have sex, which I guess stops helping when the excitement wares of? Does that make sense? Or does it have to do with the fact this addiction can stem from life problems which usually aren’t there right at the beginning of marriage when there probably is a respite from real life for a bit. However, when the issues come back the addiction comes back. Either way I am trying to prepare myself for not only now (and yes now is the most important part), but also for the future trying to internalize that marriage probably won’t fix it.I just have a few questions: according to my limited understanding, there is only a difference of degree between addiction and habit/ a natural tendency (similar to many disorders). If this is true, then I don’t see why marriage wouldn’t help this issue at all, because if it’s just a natural phenomenon that exacerbated to an addiction then shouldn’t the same thing help albeit with more tools as well?Another thing I had trouble understanding is how on one hand we say that marriage helps but on the other hand we say the “there is one organ” thing and therefore marriage might make it harder. Which one is it?   Thank you all for your responses, you are helping save a life by allowing me to connect and understand! I am planning on continuing!

cordnoy wrote on 29 Feb 2016 21:41:

Sorry meant to quote this for my last post...

eslaasos wrote on 01 Mar 2016 03:14:

My father is a narcissist.. so my situation is a little different. 

shmirashachaim wrote on 02 Mar 2016 04:03:

Hey shmirashachaim! I'm no big talmid chuchim yet but I'll try to explain.

Marriage is not a hospital for lust or addiction, if someone c"v thinks that his marriage will cure the addiction, he is in big truck trouble.

The benefit in marriage with this area is that the person has the peace of mind that he has an outlet, I'll try to explain with the gemara I brought down earlier:

שאינו דומה מי שיש לו פת בסלו למי שאין לו פת בסלו

Someone who has bread in his basket is less hungry even though he is still fasting, you can have 2 people at 12 in the afternoon who haven't eaten yet but the one with the bread is less hungry because in his mind he knows that at any moment he can eat or that in a half an hour or so he can eat, contrary to the one who doesn't have bread feels more hungry since he has no idea when he is going to eat or he knows he going to eat but it is going to be in like 8 hours.

We can see this by a fast day, we are already hungry right when we get up in the morning of a fast, because in our mind we know we are not going to eat until night.

With marriage it is similar, c"v c"v  c"v for someone to use his wife as an object to satisfy his lust/addiction/habit/human nature, it is against our torah and can cause damage to the relationship, however, whenever a lustful thought or sight pops up throughout the day it becomes easier after marriage because he knows he's got bread in his basket so to speak. (but it is for sure not a cure)

And I am choosing to disagree with the achron cordnoy, I think even if one is addicted, if he is making serious steps to recovery than marriage can help. (of course again, not a cure)

But I'm about 20 years younger than cordnoy and a lot less experienced, so I'm just throwin' out my opinion.

Mesayin What's the last thing you wrote?

Youre throwing your opinion out to the garbage?
ok just kidding

you said you're not married yet?
get married - Besha'a tova then come and share facts to fiction

Are you speaking from experience Mesayin or from a theological perspective?

Hey Markz... maybe you can share your opinion? How does marriage relate to this addiction? Is it true that something that helps men in this area doesnt help them at all when it is an addiction? I have seen both that marriage "dulls" the yetzer hara but also I have seen that the mesilas yisharim idea of the one organ (self evident which one) gets more hungry the more we feed it applies after marriage and therefor makes this harder. Whats your take on that?

shiolos v'tshuvos 101

Cordoy, would be great if you can give me insight on this as well! Thanks

Shlomo24 wrote on 02 Mar 2016 22:49:

From what I've learnt.


Alright guys, maybe I'm talking to much 'bout things I shouldn't be, so I'll just park my truck in the corner and listen to everyone else.

My headlights are getting red from shame.

Your headlights are red because you've got your feet on the brakes which is what happens when we theorise too much, now get both your feel back on the gas pedal and KOT

Anyone interested in a lecture by MBJ on the topic of Pas Besalö click HERE

I already replied above.
The thread Mark pointed to is a good one.
You can call in any afternoon and we can beat the subject to death.

Marriage sent my lust through the roof.

 

Yesod wrote on 03 Mar 2016 05:05:

Does that mean not to get married?!?
Or we gotta work on it without just relying on marriage?

Lust is for marriage what a can of gasoline is for a burning house. 

You can't satisfy the flames 

Start working now 

Thank you all so much for your responses. Wow now I see that I have tons to learn on this subject. I wasn't aware that marriage is so harmful with this stuff!! Now I am even more worried and my chassunah is around the corner, I am determined to learn as much as I can on the subject. Markz, I would love to hear that lecture you suggested but when I click on that link it says I don't have permission to access that page. Any ideas I can get it?

That thread is in the marrieds-only "Balei Batim" section, you need to ask permission from the guards to get in. Email eyes.guard@gmail.com and explain your matzav.

Mazel Tov on your upcoming Chasuna, may you be Zoche to build a true holy Yiddishe home!