Insightful perspective. Thanks. 
I'm curious if anyone can enlighten me on what the the 12 step perspective would be. Don't think about it and ODAAT? Also, does 12 step differ on that whole take? 

Some days are easy and some days are hard. Today was an easy one, mind more at ease than yesterday's. Goes to show that it goes by the day. I thank Hashem for giving me an easy day and has brought me this far. What is it going to be like tomorrow? Don't ask me because not even thinking about it. Think it's a good idea to take things calmly one day at a time. Calmness but with the mind set that will continue to learn and grow. Calmness but with the constant caution and awareness that I'm not over with this and probably as long as I'm human won't be over with this. Perhaps that is a good recipe: calmness with caution. Have to think about that one.  Good night. 

shmirashachaim wrote on 08 Jun 2016 04:01:

I was wondering that myself. It really adds to the urge to just give up and give in.
But then what? Live in hell for the rest of my life?
Continue feeling like I am lying to the world around me?
Yes, I fell after over 115 days. It stinks.
But I am still carrying those 115 days with me.
I still have the sober - or trying to be sober - friends that I made.
I still have the renewed relationship with my wife.
I still have the new respect from my kids who no longer see me locked up behind closed doors with a computer.
I still have all the blatt and halachos that I learned with a clear head.
I still have the relationship that I developed with you -- having started here again after so long.
And the next day I got right back into it.
I reported my fall right away,
I reached out to some friends.
Yes I fell.
But my life is still altered for the better.
and I will keep doing what it takes to make sure it doesnt happen today.

Still thinking about what RS said.


as being with and father for yom Tov and already dealing with different rhings and posting about the past on chizuk's forum, my mind has wondered a little on not such good things. But B'H have a lot to be thankful for and had relaxing day with my incredible wife. Did some davening in the morning as on vacation and all that it comes with. Said not comfortable to go to place that has lot of pritzus. Wife didn't say anything even though she wanted to go. ODAAT

Rough day. Exhausting. Made stupid comment to wife. Didn't get what needed to get done. Frustrated that don't have more time for GYE. Ended up in the news as gotten more familiar since "needed to" last week. Why in the mood all of the sudden now? Women news casting triggering. Saw extremely triggering photo afterwards on news site as well. Was about to click on it when remembered my count. Guess can be helpful. Feel vulnerable but calm. Was angry before about something stupid but anger subsided. Asking Hashem to have an uneventful night. Also wondering if I'm "sick" or "kodosh" from the fact I can't go on Fox News with out being affected by this. Also wondering if should be wondering about this or just focus on not going on Fox News unless I want to entertain a fall. Good night 

Is that why they call it entertainment?

Don't have much time for details, but I'll say what I can on what is happening. I said something stupid yesterday.stupid but I think true. I didn't like how my wife reacted to it and I became angry. I didn't express that anger besides perhaps pouting the rest of the night and today half- heartedly trying to be cheerful again. This whole thing is very strange. I am not the type to be like this.I worked hard and try to be cognizant of how a proper Jew should act, think, and feel. I  love and respect my wife. What I am angry about is nothing relevant and nothing besides the fact I think my wife was slightly insensitive. There is no purpose of holding on to it. All my musser I have learn on this is for some reason not helping. I have gotten into a rut today and not myself. I am reserved and apprehensive. I am feeling that mode of thought that leads me to act out out. i already "slipped"- perhaps even fell. Uncertain and will have to look into that. I haven't learnt well in a while. Haven't Davened well in a while. Haven't gotten much GYE in in a while. My wife thinks my reservedness/apprehensiveness is because of my overflow of work and behind it all. Perhaps she is right. But this whole thing started from my comment and her response. I don't know if this has any relevance to addiction as the cause(affect I plainly see), or is it just some broader middos issue I need to deal with. I feel as if I'm in a rut and a dead end. I plead and beg that I shouldn't use acting out as an escape. I need to head on with life and take it and grow from it. I'm saying the words but uncertain how much they are affecting me. Please help if can. 

Markz please check out the break fee section 

If you are still upset tomorrow, it might be wise to tell her that you were upset with her reaction the other day. Often just bringing it up and acknowledging the hurt is sufficient to put it all behind you. You might say, "Rochel, I was upset the other day when I said ABC and you XYZedXYZed. I don't want to rehash the issue, but I just wanted to say that I was hurt. And now I want to put it behind us." 
And then be ready with another topic that needs to be addressed so that you can change the subject adroitly and seamlessly. 
Just a suggestion 

Being upset with ones wife is possibly my biggeset trigger.  Those times are very dangerous.  May you be at peace with your wife and yourself.

I believe we spoke on the phone a time or two. Perhaps not.

From reading your posts, my humble assessment is that you have adverse reactions to your conduct, your wife's, and, at times, others as well. I see one common denominator - you. What can be done about that? How can we minimize our reactions? What can be done so that we shouldn't feel those intense feelings and emotions?

And by the way, I'm just like you. People drive me crazy. If only they would all listen to me. It would be a much better world if they all would follow my instructions and direction. Nu nu....iy"H, one day.

B'hatzlachah

Happy Guy wrote:

I guess everyone is different. That wouldn't go by is. No half talks. But thanks Happy guy( like the name!!) Appreciate it and we did end up speaking in the end. 

cordnoy wrote:

Yes we spoke on the phone once and you were very helpful. Thanks.


I appreciate your input. I agree and have been working on that for a while. Had some hatzlachah but obviously some work to do. Any input would be appreciated. 


Interesting point. I am a more of a mellow guy and not the typical trying to control everyone around me kind of guy. But I have in the past had the problem of wanting to control everything around me in a more personal to myself way but never was the type to order people around. Just anxious when things aren't going my way.Again,have been working on that for a while with hatzlachah. But don't think that was the issue two days ago.
Makes sense? Again interesting you picked that up. Also completely possible I am fooling myself on who I am. That's why others input mean a lot to me.. Thanks.

K. So after looking over the 90 days rules and thinking over what happened, I decided that it was a slip over a fall. Biased? Perhaps? But think it's a good think.

Meant to write this yesterday but didn't get a chance to. Yesterday I felt a little out of the bubble that I was in before hand but still had those intense general feelings of pressure that easily can become pressure to act out. I took a break during Seder. I needed it. I took deep breaths while noticing that what was happening has happened many times in the past as well. I pictured myself on some type of downward slide with the though streaming in: "you feel crazy pressure. you are in a rut. Everything is falling down on you. You know that when this happens you fall sooner than later. Might be a day or two but it will happen. Mine as well let it go now and not go through this. Sorry but that's life." I walked around and tried to figure this out and I remembered ODAAT that has helped me in the past but haven't thought about it too much recently. ODAAT counteracted that downward slide. True I need to figure out what happened the other day and what I can do to prevent it in the future; for example I need a stronger fence on my computer as all I have is covenant eyes with someone that doesn't really look at it, and others things need to figure out as well. But as far as what my focus on is on the now. Who cares about tomorrow or two days from now? I only have the now. There is no downward slope, dragging me down in a couple days from now because now is all that matters. I just needed to get by that day. I looked up to shemiem(I actually did) and begged Hashem to get be through that day. I begging that I should get out of this rut and to be able to figure everything out with my wife and my recovery. 
And you know what? I got through the day and today I'm (at least for now) pretty ok. Where is that downward slope now? 

One thing I noticed in your post more than once is the phrase "figure everything out" or "figure it out".  Why do you need to "figure anything out"?  Dov has a quote I like (don't think he is the original source) "You can't think yourself into right living, you can only live yourself into right thinking".  I'm sure this doensn't make sense to you right now, but it is very profound. Many of "think" "if I could just figure this all out..."  It's really not a matter of figuring it out at all.  Just "DO" the things that have worked for others, and leave the thinking for philosophers.

I wasted many years trying to "figure it out".  It didn't help at all.