I realized I made a mistake. My wife was upset once before the incident a couple a days ago, and that one I'll share. I have been diagnosed with ADD and OCD. Whatever that means to people, point is I didn't tell her until a couple of weeks ago. I repeated that I had immense difficulty concentrating and being organized, but never told her about the psychologists and psychiatrist. One thing my wife kept stressing to me while we were dating and after was that there shouldn't be any secrets. "Honesty is a policy". Everything should be on the table. She always prides in this in her parents. So she was hurt. Very hurt. I can't stop thinking that there is a big part of my life hidden from her. It hurts me. I want her to know everything about me but I don't want her to know about this. I keep picturing telling her and how it will play out. Not pretty. I struggle with this a lot. I hear Cordnoy agreeing to the honesty is a policy principle, but again not sure about that. What if it's not appropriate to do so? Is it right to turn her whole world upside down like that? On top of my untold embarrassment and shame. 
So how do figure this out? How do I go on my daily life knowing I'm keeping a secret from my wife? 

By living life.
By working recovery.
By bonding and creating true union with God and with your wife.

cordnoy wrote on 20 May 2016 06:18:

That's inspiring. But what's going to happen when his wife finds out - and it's probably a when not an if -- and she feels betrayed that he never said anything to her? Don't you think he should at least approach some type of mentor/rav/rebbi/therapist who can give him advice and if that advice is not to disclose, then at least in the event of her finding out he can say that he was following the instructions he was given?

I am assuming it's bases on the level of addiction. I heard a good point, perhaps from Cordnoy? Don't remember. that many times guys say they have an addiction when they don't, and that may worsen their conditions. Maybe that applies here. It's probably not smart unless one is addicted to tell his wife? Is that where you're coming from Cords? 
I have also envisioned telling my Rebbi. It doesn't seem as ugly. I have previously been mortified by thought. I don't know what he would think of me as I am so so far from this on the outside. I guess something to think about.   
Have a good shabbas everyone

Had a good Shabbas. Thought a little about telling Rebbi and from there determine if should tell wife. I think it might benefit me, but now sure how much hadrachah I will have. My Rebbi knows basically everything about me besides this. He has gave me amazing hadrachah on every facet of my life, so on one hand I am thinking why this should be any different, but on the other hand thinking not sure if this is an issue that should be handled with someone with more expertise on this specific issue. 
What do you guys think 

Brother - Are you sober?

I know of "sober wanna be's" that disclosed to their wives to the detriment of all "parties" involved

If you care about yourself / marriage / wife, don't do it before sobriety for sure. Afterwards we can discuss the topic...

Thats my 2 cents

Maybe read more about it under "Great Posts" #8 in the "Free Towing" page

KOT

markz wrote:

Thanks the advice. I'll check the posts tomorrow. 

I think if your Rebbi can be trusted then that is a great first step. I would imagine that if he didn't feel qualified to answer that he would work with you to find the right person to ask.

I noticed this before. It might sound weird but I'll explain myself. I depend on GYE too much. The last few times I fell it was at a late hour, staying up late from fighting this insane urge which brought to think that there is no thing I can do to prevent myself from acting out. Each time this happened, I desperately posted on the forums, messaged anyone I can, and waited for responses. The thought kind of formalized in my head: if someone responds: than I'll talk it out and probably not act out. But if no one responds: I'm acting out. I took the ignoring from others as a sign no one cares(as I did see others on line) and acted out from frustration and disappointment. I basted my sobriety on others. Now, besides for the fact that no one committed to be my babysitter, and very few people are on line the, I realized it's probably not healthy to have such an equation in my head, and furthermore should probably work on being able to be more dependent. I'm not saying if these attacks happen in going to go straight to being self-efficient. If it comes to it, I will post again and ask for guidance. What I'm saying is that if no one is there or if no one responds, that doesn't give me a reason to act out. I should be sober for myself and not others. The reason why this came to mind now is because I felt a similar feeling tonight. I-B'H wasn't at the brink of acting out, but I was in another 'crisis' that happened to end up being a dump mistake on my part. I desperately started a new post asking for someone's help. Thankfully  there were guys who responded to my craziness. But what if it happened later at night which wouldn't necessarily elicit any responses? Don't think would of ended up as clean. I became accustomed to being unable to think for myself when "emergencies"come". Don't want to feel dependent when I need to be independent. 
Sorry for rambling.

We can't rely on ourselves when we are in a crisis,  but, if none responds,  firstly you can always take my number and feel free anytime to call,  I'm often up very late,  secondly this is why we try to learn to surrender to gd, he's usually around to pick up. 

Mind you,  i haven't fully figured out how to do so myself,  but I'll get there g willing. 

Hatzlacha

Yesod wrote on 23 May 2016 14:10:

Yesod, I needed that today. Short and to the point. Thanks.

Thanks. 
I'm working on the short to the point thing. 

(Watching cord in action)

Hatzlacha brother 

Yesod wrote:

Thanks Yesod. Your amazing.
i agree with your correction. I can't be independent. I guess I meant to be independent from other people if it must come down to it, which can mean many things including calling God l. Thanks for the clarification, and yes looking to learn how to internalize that comely as well

realsimcha wrote:

makes sense. Think this telling my Rebbi thing might be an idea. But want to really crystallize the perhaps obvious to many folks around her: why tell? Is there benefit besides advice? Answers or guidance to previous posts would be great. Thanks 

shmirashachaim wrote on 24 May 2016 01:01:


Telling takes away the hiding. Keeping a secret that you're terrified to tell someone is unhealthy, and often adds shame, which causes people to want to act out, which makes the secret bigger, which causes more shame, which.....you get the picture.

When you live a double life you often feel like a hypocrite. Coming clean can be great for recovery as well.