Hi everybody, it's been a long time. I have a lot to say, and it mostly doesn't have to do with acting out directly, but I feel this is a decent forum for my question.

I have been dating a few years, around 100 girls. Usually I just don't connect with girls so it ends up being a one and done.

The few times I felt a real connection it didn't end up working out in the end because the girl said no. In those situations the girls weren't great looking, just like okay pretty.

I have also dated some really beautiful girls, but interestingly, never really hit it off with them and didn't feel a connection.

Therefore I intellectually understand that the most important thing in a relationship is personality and emotional attraction. Looks are not as important.

I started dating a girl about a month ago. On our first date I opened the door and was like (in my head of course), "Oh great, guess my night is wasted." She was not terrible looking, but really gawky skinny and not my style. The night went on though, and she was really great, so I went for a second date.

Now we're talking about getting married, and I thought that I was over the looks mishugaas. After all, the truth is I am attracted to her and can see myself with her. But it's so hard for me to shake the fact that she isn't physically beautiful.

It's especially annoying because with the other girls I was interested in marrying, maybe they were marginally better looking but nothing too significant.

I think looks has been super ingrained into my psyche and subconscious as a very important thing. We're basically given thousands of reminders over our lifetimes from every direction - movies, billboards, magazines, even the Torah. Girls are like identified by their beauty and sort of associated as being "good" because of it. Even in the Torah there seems to be a big emphasis on physical beauty being important (Rachel Imenu comes to mind) and associated with being good.

I know it's crazy and that I probably should just go for it and will be happy with her, but this really is bothering me. An additional thing that I realized I subconsciously do is look at friends' wives and sort of assess based on their wives attractiveness. "Oh, he did really well. She's beautiful." "Wow, I feel bad for that guy because of his ugly wife. Yuck." Maybe part of me is self conscious about the wife I pick for the same reason. I don't want to be on the receiving end of the "nebbich assessment." But maybe the nebbich assessment is just in my head. Maybe I'm the only one doing this kind of thing?

It's weird because I have a healthy self esteem with all other aspects of my life. This is like the only thing I'm self conscious about. I guess I'm looking for some advice and some reassurance that I won't regret going ahead with the shidduch, that I'll be able to get over these bothersome feelings. If somebody went through the same thing that would be really helpful.

I asked my rebbe and he dismissed me for being an idiot, so guess I'm looking for someone a little more sympathetic lol.

What I wrote HERE was only as a vitz. I think your question is valid, but I can't answer it

Probably most guys here associate with your NA nebbich assessment.

What I will say is - many guys are objectifiers that want to marry a beautiful sex doll (after marriage they realize very quickly that should've just stayed with the teddy bear their mom got them for their 2nd birthday).
Being emotionally and deeply connected is the basis of marriage. I suspect you may have found that with this girl. If that's the case, and she's not bad looking (doesn't turn you off) she may be the perfect match for you.

Hey do I get shadchan fees?

NOYA,

Welcome back.

May i suggest you read this thread Single Guy from a single fellow who was strugglin' with stuff? Perhaps it can help you now.

Your question is a tough one, but I suggest that the answer lies in the other thread.
you work on yourself, and the rest may follow....probably.

b'hatzlachah

NOYA wrote:

Let me get this straight. You have dated many, many girls - over 100. You like this one. You can see yourself with her (so it's not like she is repulsive to you). You are considering dropping her so you can find someone else like her, but a little more attractive. There is no guarantee that you will find her, or that it won't take another hundred.

I am hereby more sympathetic than your rebbe. I don't think your fears are uncommon. I hear you, but your rebbe is right .

yes.

gibbor120 wrote:


Mazel Tov!

Thanks guys. I spoke to another rebbe about it and he said it's all in your head. Nobody cares what your wife looks like just like nobody cares about your pet hamster Boris. Same thing with public speaking. I need to internalize that but thanks for unanimously supporting the shidduch. Mazel tov indeed!

Guess it's time to get back into things. So much to do and take care of and now I feel I have a real shot at doing things right completely.

Keep in mind that looks, at best, appeal to your desires but really have little to do with the quality of the relationship. You aren't looking for home decor, you are looking for a wife.

Attractiveness is often perceived and influenced by a persons character, not simply by physical appearance. We tend to find a persons sincere good character attractive.

If you find yourself really liking and being attracted to a girl you are dating, despite the fact she she might not be a gorgeous as one of your previous hundred dates, then I think it it worth pursuing further.

I am not in your parsha (yet?) but if you dated many attractive girls and found nothing and now u finally find the connection then why would dropping her help? i really feel for you though, just don't know how i would feel, never had that experience

I do relate a bit to this. I hope my wife doesn't read this, but when I got engaged, I was a bit insecure about what my friends and family would think.
In my experience, the insecurity dissipated quite quickly after I saw that nobody really cared. (Or if they did, they kept it to themselves )

Oh, I forgot to mention. If you're looking for the most beautiful girl in the world, I'm just letting you know that I've got her already

Lizhensk wrote:


She's gonna make you feel like she's the only girl in the world.

If you like her, think about her when she is not around, look forward to talking with her, have things in common, have fun together, share a sense of humour...then keep dating her and see if her life goals match yours.
If so...think seriously about marriage.

I am not the expert on this subject, maybe some more advice is in the links below?

www.aish.com/d/

www.aish.com/d/w/4-Hurdles-to-Getting-Married.html

cordnoy wrote:


psssh a quote from the famed rebbetzin

Shlomo24 wrote:


I'd daven in her shul.