Hello to all

I just signed up today to this great website. Hopefully this will help me put an end to this sickness I am struggling with on a daily basis.

aside for my eyes looking all the time at females I see on the street or anywhere else, I have an addiction on a weekly basis of needing to see all sorts of providers to help me fulfill my desires.

of course after each time I suffer from guilt feelings for the rest of the day and I feel like an idiot. of course I say to my self that this is the last time and I am done with this sick garbage.. but this never comes to an end.
It can go away from time to time for 30-45 days...but it will always hit me back.
I am not 30 years old yet! I am married with the greatest wife ! I have kids! I have a great business ! I had a hard childhood and that's what got me in to this. but the same hard childhood made me become on my own a very successful person in business.

my wife of course doesn't know anything about this as I am a very sophisticated person who knows all the time to delete browsing history and to make my life seem 100% normal.

I am also smart enough to allow my self to do this only during the daytime while I am away from home.

at the end of the day this is stuck in my head and I fill a tremendous amount of guilt to my wife and kids living this double life and of course lying to my self all the time.

everytime I daven , I beg hashem to help me with this sickness and take it away from me.

in fact under my chupa I made a neder and begged for mercy in this matter. it worked until the mashber of first child ...

anyone has the same issue? I would love to get out of this world immediately

WELCOME! i am sure there are many people who have used prostitutes and such on this site but i personally never had. i didn't need it b/c i got it anonymously w/o paying for it. i really relate to your pain from this disease. b"h you know it's a disease and you are a sick person getting better not a bad person getting good. i also made the promises and nedarim that i wouldn't masturbate etc. and i also never got caught through the 7+ years of active addiction on my computer.

i would suggest getting a filter on your computer if you feel you need one. nowadays many frum people have them so you can get away with adding one w/o having to reveal to your wife if you don't want to yet.

also history has shown that hashem isn't going to just "take away" this sickness. if we are still holding on to it then he usually doesn't take it away. many people have had to put in a lot of time and effort in order to get long lasting relief from this sickness, whether it be GYE, taphshic, sexaholics anonymous etc.

great step and hatzlacha raba.

Welcome and hatzlacha!

WELCOME! You have come to the right place. You are not alone. Many of us tried for years to get rid of the obsession/addiction. We lived the double life wanting to get out, but not knowing how.

Read the handbook. Check out some of the links in my signature, especially dov quotes. Keep posting and sharing. We have all been through similar challenges.

I acted out for over 20 years before finding GYE. Now, I am sober for 6+ B"H. Many have been helped here. You can be too.

Keep posting!

Welcome!!

As others said already, you came to the right place. We are here to help each others. Looking forward for your Hatzlacha.

thebrokerhelpme wrote:


Of course you want out. That's the feeling of hopelessness. In one way or another we've all felt the feeling of utter helplessness. The guilt certainly doesn't help much either.

My struggles are not exactly the same and no two people here are exactly the same. However there are a lot of similarities. And yes people so badly addicted have been helped.

Just coming on this site was a brave and intelligent thing to do.

keep on the forum. keep reaching out. you will learn how to have Hashem lovingly guide your way up the ladder.

The euphoric feeling of sobriety is not as distant as it appears.

Hey! welcome to GYE where you can exit your lonely confusing world and enter into a world of understanding and healing.
We all have that issue in our unique but related fashion. I felt relieved when I found out I was able to confide with others with similar issues, and you should to. Keep posting updates and thoughts!

thank you all for the kind words and chizuk!

for the ones that are already clean, do you actually tell your wife's at some point about your past?

as days go by , does it become easier or it's like cigarettes - you always have the yetzer inside you?

I'm a firm believer in אומר דבר בשם אומרו, this was posted on your other thread
markz wrote:

Thinking about disclosing to our wife? Don't do it now. See more in the forum post on the topic HERE

As the days progress you will become more in control of your YetzerHara

Now turn on the engine and start trucking!
Go for it, you can do it, one mile at a time!

There's a little voice saying "no you can't" it's the YH. Tell him "get lost" and "go read
hardcore cornography"

Hatzlacha

i put a filter on my i phone a few days ago. entered a code with out looking.. until now i cant access certain websites and i don't know how to add them as i don't know the password.i can live with that.

bh the filter helps.

today the yetzer attacked me and i started searching on my work pc for providers.

(i tried on my phone before hand and was not able due to the filter)..

bh no action was done. now i can understand how a drug attic lives his life. very scary and drives me nuts when i think about how this controls my life at certain points of the day/week

thebrokerhelpme wrote:

Did you mean to say "drives me nuts when I think about how my life is out of control at certain points of the day/week"?

thebrokerhelpme wrote:


if you really believe it's a drug for you then you may just be going through the same symptoms as a drug addict. ya it can be hell at times. i have been there. in terms of the drug going away, well i think it depends on how u deal with it. if you just stop then it might feel like hell. but if you do things to replace what u are missing in a healthy way then the desire may seem to be lifted over a course of time.

also great step on putting on a filter. it seems like you're starting 2 take your life into your hands now.

thebrokerhelpme wrote:
My wife caught me, so it was a moot point. Many have told their wives eventually, but not at first. That usually backfires.

thebrokerhelpme wrote:
It does get easier, but it does not go away. Some times are still difficult, but not as often.

Good questions, but a bit tangential right now. First things first. The first work is recovery.

My wife knew that I engaged in masturbation and watched porn. She caught me looking at a huge stash of porn that I had downloaded . She confronted me , we talked out the fact that I was an addict. I then decided to see a therapist who was amazing in let me review all the factors in my life that led me to engage in both masturbation and watch, read and download all kinds of porn and helped realize what is important in life. I then signed up at GYE and the rest is history