I also thought I had a high sex drive.
What I discovered (far into recovery) was that I am addicted to sexual arousal in all its forms.
I seek it out visually, and through fantasy thoughts. And if I was lucky, through physicality with my wife.
It gives me a certain buzz I've come to need.

It's very easy to confuse this with a high sex drive.
I do have a healthy sex drive.
But once I got myself sober from porn and masturbation and fantasy and staring at women all day, I found myself being able to go to bed without having sex -- with myself or with my wife.

I'm back in control of my brain. My wife looks forward to being with me. I look forward to connecting and bonding with her. I have better relationships with my children and with my Creator.

AlexEliezer wrote:


Me thinks an AE quotes thread is way overdue.

Welcome to GYE! I'm pretty sure you're an addict and I know you can beat this! Just kidding I would never tell someone if they are an addict or not, it's really not for me to decide. For years I lived with the religious guilt associated with masurbation. I eventually buried those religious beliefs and decided Torah aside masturbation was fine and healthy. I eventually realized that what I was doing was not healthy and was hurting my life. Whatever healthy behaviors others in the velt were talking about, was not what I was doing. If your behaviors are the healthy kind and you don't care enough about the aveira to stop, then you may consider talking to a Rav, learning mussar/chaassidus etc. or if you don't want to, then go on as you have been.

You may want to ask yourself some questions, for example:

Does my M interfere with my work, marriage, davening, sleep, learning, goals, relationships with family and friends?
Are the behaviors getting progressively worse?
Am I spending too much time, money or energy?

I guess I just don't know what I want.

I know I don't want to be caught by anybody, especially my wife. I know I do spend a bit too much time taking care of my needs, but I just don't want to stop. I enjoy it and I enjoy porn. I don't think I'd have gotten to this point if it weren't for the lack of sexual interest of my wife from day one, back when I was a good bochur and was able to hold off much more than I can now.

Porn and masturbation is not the problem in my marriage, it is because of the problem in my marriage. I just know that it is wrong and it does have a hold over me but I'm living with it.

Ugh, I really am torn here.

I think that trying to play the blame game or trying to see who came first the chicken or the egg, may be fun intellectual exercises, but really have no bearing on your current dilemma.

If you love porn and don't want to stop masturbating, then there is no help for you here. You have to want to stop or at least wish you wanted to stop.

Obviously there is something about it that is bothering you or you would not be here.

If the only thing that bothers you about it is that it is assur, it may be harder to stop than if you have a more earthy reason. But that doesn't mean you can't try. There are many tools here on GYE that can help you break free.

But I can say this from my experience and others. I consider myself an addict and am married. My wife and I went several years without sex and I still managed to have a clean streak of 20 months.

Sex is optional and so it masturbation. We can live and thrive without both. My point after all this is if you want to stop acting out. Don't let your marriage be used as an excuse. In fact I sometimes think I had success in my stopping because I didn't have my wife as an "outlet".

YaakovP wrote:

In active addiction, I felt that fantasy and porn were my only true happiness. How sick is that?



Progress?

The thought of trading our fantasies and sweet escapes for life's more sublime pleasures can be terrifying to some.

ok. I obviously realize that I do or that I should make some changes so I will give it a shot. Can you point me in the right direction to make an easy first step?

You are doing great progress !!!!

I would suggest you read through the handbook. There is lots of info there that may be helpful. It is recommended to read it more than one time.

Hatzlacha

YaakovP wrote:
The easiest first step would probably depend on where you're struggling most. If Internet porn is a big issue for you, getting a filter and an accountability partner would be logical.
You can also read the handbook and the FAQ's (links are in my signature) for more ideas.

your honesty alone, proves there is hope for you
you are now officially on the road to recovery

Easy first step:
Stop ogling women.
That would include live ones, ugly ones, just their faces, pictures, mainstream videos such as TV and movies.

OK, maybe not so easy.
But it is a step worth working on.

Would marriage counseling be helpful?

YaakovP wrote:


serenity wrote:


Serenity, I'm a little confused why you feel the wonderful wife needs to be pulled into this

Is personal relief with a counselor or whatever tools, not going to help Yaacov?

Why marriage counseling?
Yes there may be other good reasons for marriage counseling here
1- In case we want to disclose our dirty history with our wife, one is in a much safer place
2- When there no (normal) sexual satisfaction with her
3- Clue us in please...

Thank You

sometimes when we fix ourselves then magically our issues with our wives vanish, so much so that we are amazed how overnight (or over years) they transformed (or maybe we did) into being so different from how we perceived them before.
but sometimes there may be some issue with our relationship that has to be dealt with, at least as a trigger to our situation, not less then getting a filter is so important even though the internet is not the cause of our issue.
wether counseling is the 1st step or not is up for discussion and definitely depends on the matzav (its not as simple as just putting on a filter) but whats most important is not to let that confuse us with realizing what the main issue is and to not use that as an excuse for working on what we have to regardless if the filter or better relationship or whatever trigger there is was taken care of yet.

kilochalu wrote:


This simple but profound statement bears repeatin'.....at least for me.