I've been in recovery for just over a year in SA. I was referred to the program by my therapist. I'd been seeing a therapist with my wife in order to fix our broken shalom bayis, which I was convinced was all a mess because of her faults and deficiencies. (אשה כשרה עושה רוצן בעלה! All she had to do was listen to me and do what I say!) At the time I really thought this was the truth. But secretly, I was living a life of fantasy, pornography, and masturbation. Masturbation using magazines started when I was about 9 years old. It stopped for about 2 years right after marriage (I thought I finally had overcome the yetzer), but then began once more with a fury once we got our first PC. It continued unabated and got worse over the next 11 years. I would spend hours ostensibly working/learning while surfing for pictures and movies - essentially running away from my problems and giving myself the pleasure I felt I needed to behave normally with my wife and family. After a year of therapy, I began to feel that it was a matter of time before I would act out my fantasies in real life, with real people. And this was very frightening. I realized that sooner or later I was going to destroy my life and lose everything dear to me. I didn't become frum just to throw everything away. That's when I told my therapist. And that's when I began SA. It has been extremely difficult at times, but the SA program has given me tools, support, and most of all, the freedom to talk about my addiction and become a whole person. There are people in this world who know the real me, and this has helped me accept who I am, accept that I am addicted to lust, and stand before HaKadosh Baruch Hu and surrender it all to Him. I'm now 11 months clean according to SA's definition, and I have 4 months of strong sobriety from internet porn. That's the only way to go - to surrender even the smallest craving to sexualize people/pictures/circumstances. It not always easy, but I have support. And this is why I've come to GYE - to widen my support network and to become part of a community of people committed to breaking the addiction to porn. And the effort has been so rewarding!! I used to spar with my wife over everything, and she was always annoyed at the meetings I went to. Just a few months ago, we celebrated 20 years together, and we both are looking forward to another 20! That's a miracle. Yesterday was the first time in months that my wife complained and criticized me. And it was all because I've been in a mild disconnect from life - a low point on the edge of sobriety. And I accept her, her feelings, and without overly apologizing or compensating, I will simply try to be there a bit more, so she realizes it's okay to be herself with me and that she's always been okay, and that it was me who was sick, and it is me who made a mess of our family all these years. And this is actually empowering! Because I can now do something about it - I can surrender myself to Hashem again (just as I did years ago when I became frum), but this time, I'm ready to surrender all of me, not just the good parts.

Moshe271 wrote:


BH
Well written
Good moves

Welcome to the club.

Welcome Moshe, while you say you've come to broaden your support network it looks like we can all learn a thing or two (or five or six) from you.
Much hatzlacha in your journey.

Welcome.
Beautiful story.
Keep it up.

Welcome Abroad.

It is an honor to you have you among us.

Breechim (Bruchim) Haboo'im (Habu'im).

Hashem did you a great chesed and gave you great support, Baruch Hashem!.

Your story gives great strength to GYE'ers.

Chazak v'emutz

Welcome! It's so funny b/c usually ppl come to GYE at the beginning of their journey but you are coming for support after already starting. SHKOYACH! It's great that the forum is being used in many ways.

WELCOME! Thank you for sharing that great post! I look forward to hearing and learning more from you.

Welcome to GYE and thank you for sharing! Your sobriety and humility shows in your words. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.

I thought I had a long introduction on this forum, but you definitely take the cake! But I was was very inspired by hearing your long arduous battle that your winning, and one day your long introduction should turn into a book that I can learn from to help me on my personal battle that with Hashems help will win as well.

Moshe, pls send me an email after Shabboss.

I'll have to look up your intro later. I didn't know that intros were short. I sort of just did it. Bivrachah!

Moshe271 wrote:


Many people fight with themselves for a long time before posting (about posting) and therefore their first post is short, guarded and vague. Not that that is the right way to do things, but everyone has to find their own comfort zone I guess.

Hatzlacha in your efforts. Bez"H the rest of the community here will inspire you, and you will inspire others.

Moshe, I don't have the struggles you had, but I wanted to mention
YOUR POSTS ARE AWESOME!!

Keep tRocking!!!

Moshe271 wrote:


Ha.. Intros aren't supposed to be anything other than what one wants to share, and long is good because others get to know you better. Thanks for the berachah and kan lamar! Looking forward to learning more from you. keep posting!