Hello everyone, my name is Chiam (well not really) and I just joined this program. Even though I’ve tried many ways to breakthrough this problem and I have basically have given up hope, I long to have hope. I read through a few threads and I was relieved that I am not alone and I will now be able to relate my feelings to others who understand what I am going through. One such person eerily made me feel as if I was reading my own messages. abd297, whoever you are, I’m going through seemingly identical predicaments that you laid out on your thread (abd297’s title was “starting up”).
I have been in Yeshiva quite some time now. I had a little of a rough spot, but for the most part I have been a pretty compliant bacher, and in more recent years I have even been regarded as an exceptional bacher. I love learning, and I try to spend most my day learning (I say trying because many times it doesn’t work out due to this and other issues, but on the outside I look like I’m learning a lot more than I actually am). I’m seen as an eidel guy who gets along with everyone and who has outstanding medos. I have a series and perhaps even a Tzidkustik image. All my previous Rebbaim appreciate/love me and I have a shichus/close kesher to all of them. My closest Rebbi reminds me of abd297’s Rebbi as being an amazing person with a good grip on dealing with people, but I am way way too embarrassed to bring up this problem with him (I think it’s just about the only one I haven’t spoken with him about). As with abd297, my series and tamimistic image makes me seem to be the last person with this problem, and even though my dark secrets compel me to consider myself a fraud, I don’t like seeing myself as much as a fraud that someone else would take me as. I see myself as a very confused person.
I have many emotional issues similar to abd297. I have been diagnosed with ADD, OCD (btw acd297, anxiety and perfectionism can be taken as OCD), and depression. I feel that these and other problems/factors are associated with this issue. I went to a few therapists and felt as if I was going nowhere. I did however find a therapist who has helped me understand myself on a deeper and clearer level, and has given helpful tips for dealing with many issues. I was in a very good place for a while, but my most recent fall out was so steep that it brought me to this program. A few days ago I felt I came a long way in my healing process, but now I am so down that I feel as if I will always live this two-sided life. I want to have hope but I don’t know if I can ever have it.
Thank you to anyone who got through the impossible feat of reading this long but only a glimpse of my confusing life!

Welcome!
And quite like abd too

"NICE-and-NOT-nice-to-be-here"

NICE - to yourself to be here
NICE - for all of us that you are here

NOT nice - to your YH to be here

Thanks for the welcome! Yes, it's nice to be here.. Glad to hear abd quite, it gives me a lot of chizik

I am inspired by your strength to face your fears and challenges like you are. I am glad to have been a help in your journey towards recovery. You can find so many people just like you on this sight. Connecting with people is one of the vital points if we want to effectively tackle this issue. Look around and find what works for on this wonderful site. Read and post as often as may.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please feel free to post here or on my thread, or private message me. For better or for worse I don't always have access to a computer but I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Hang in there and welcome to GYE. Best wishes, abd297

Welcome to the group.

Thanks abd... I will most definitely have questions, comments, and concerns, and will try to keep in touch, and thanks cordnoy (what with these names lol? I feel so out of place with Chiam!)

Chiam wrote:


What's wrong with cordnoy?

I'm gonna step back and let you guys fight this out.

Chiam wrote:


Was "c h i a m" a glitch? Was it supposed to be Chlam or Chaim or what? I'm sure if you need a new krias shem that can always be done, or just start again with a new name. We can advise you how to stay anonymous. You can pick AnonyMouse I think that's still avail. Maybe go with that so at least us guys will know who you are.

But seriously, lust is THE NAME of our game, lets disregard all else and get to work so we win today, KOT 2hoots

Welcome!

Ha.. thanks for the recommendation. Cordoy is a great name! Just felt out of place with a bland name like Chiam! But, as Markz said, the name of the game is lust and we should and can win it. Looking forward.

We all live a double life.
Hashem actually created us this way.
Sometimes we listen to the Yetzer Tov.
Sometimes we listen to the YH.
No double life.
This is how we're designed.
It is only a further trick of the YH to tell us we're living a double life.
He's trying to get us to give up, or give in, or just plain feel bad about ourselves so we can go and soothe ourselves. (Any excuse will do, no?)
Nothing doing.
Your really are that tzadik that people see.
Every tzadik still has a YH.
But the tzadik is the real you.
Unless of course you let the YH define the real you.
This is a common error of young people -- to look at the YH as the real me.
Fortunately Chz'l already told us to make tocho k'baro, our inner self like our outer self, and not Ch'V the other way around.

Much hatzlocha!

WELCOME! sorry I don't have time to say more right now. Keep posting.

Thanks so much AE, I agree with what you are saying that the true me isn't my YH. I try to tell myself this every day but it's SO HARD, especially after I cave in to do something. As my Rebbi always says: The biggest YH is AFTER you do the aveira. This is because it convinces you that you are your aveiros, that "you are what you do". Even though this saying might have some truth to it, I try to keep in mind that it's as I put it above: CAVING into doing something means coercion to do it. It might affect me spiritually.. but it doesn't change who I am: Someone who yearns to do good and fill in my inner-self to be like my my outer-self.

I posted this on other forum but i'll put it up here... I got a text message from some I got to "know" in the past which triggered me even though I deleted it. I also found a way around restrictions on my phone... I'm not in a good place right now and want to get by tonight