Hello everyone its my first day on this site and i would like to know which level i need to go with .

First a bit of a background..
i grew up in a chasidish community, when i was 13 years someone approach me and tried to touch me, but he failed as i did not cooperate.

Since then he opened a world for me that i did not know it exits. i had struggled ever since with masturbation on a weekly basis (nearly 10 years now) i had some better weeks and some worse .
Plusmore in yeshiva i had some bucher that i was in touch with him in a not kosher way, it ended when i left for a different yeshiva but still i got turned on when i saw a pretty boy or bucher which makes me think that i might be gay but im not sure !!!.

Well i got married with a normal looking wife not ugly but also not very pretty so i started to struggle again as i wasn't happy with my sex life i started watching porn on a weekly basis to quite my TAVES.(i only started watching porn after my wedding i saw a few as a bucher but not many)

TODAY :
Its 2 days after yom kiper and i managed already to watch porn and masturbate im very upset with myself as i promised myself that this year its gonna be different !! IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR ME ?


HERE IS MY QUESTIONS

1- Am i gay because a nice bucher or boy turns me on? if i am what can i do ?????????

2- IF i would divorce and married a pretty girl will it be easier for me not to watch porn ?
(im confident with my self that if i would of had a pretty women i wouldnt zindig at all,am i right or wrong ? i think about it every single day
can someone with a pretty wife confirm that he dosnt have taves because his wife satisfied him.worth mentioning that i have already 1 child.

3- What can i do now to start getting myself out off this mess .which level to choose .

4 - is it possible to have a smartphone and still be a kosher yid? i tried putting all kind of filters but i change phones a lot and i always manage to get it back without a filter shoud i ditch my smartphone im afraid its to a big move what do you say ?

AM I THE ONLY ONE WITH THIS PROBLEM?????????????????

THANKS A LOT FOR READING MY STORY AND TIZKE LEMITVOS

Welcome to the forum and yes there is hope. Many people have come here with 10 20 or 30 years of acting out and have nanaged to improve their lives.

1. If you feel you may have issues with atraction to men there is an SSA section on this forum.

2.I think my wife is extremely beautiful, but I still want to look at every girl on the street. The problem is with us and the solution is with us.

3. Start simple. Read the gye handbook. Practice shemirat eynayim. If you need more do more.

4. If the filter in your head is wirking the smartphone is not a problem. If the filter in your head is broken nothing is safe.

You are not alone. There are hundreds of guys struggling like you arr. Stick around, read, listen, think, absorb. Most of all trust in Hashem.

Good shabbos and chag sameach.

Welcome

I could not have said it any better than mbj.

B'hatzlachah

Bokertov wrote:

Welcome!
I want to respond to four points you mentioned

a) There is hope for you! You were brought into it as a teenager by an evil person, and you will recover with the help of great good people on this website

b) Nonsense. Divorcing your wife won't change your porn addiction. There's more deeper stuff here, but not for now.

c) Getting out of the mess? What MBJ just wrote is A M A Z I N G!

d) I also have this problem, and many many others on this website too. Some people have worse.

You're a good Yid that unfortunately got hurt by this sick guy, and you'll get over it with the many tools here. And you will start enjoying your life more and your marriage too!!!

What others have said sums up most of what I would say.

Ditch the smartphone altogether. And limit your computer use as much as possible. I'm only allowed on when my wife is with me. Sometimes I can resist the temptations but it's worth preventing the one unpredictable moment you might give in.

My wife is beautiful. Everyone is like king Solomon. We could have 100 beautiful women and want 1000 more. That's why we struggle with porn. It's the dopamine intake from all the people we stare at. And it isn't like learning to be happy with one girl, it's learning that we don't want a bunch of pretty things to look at.

But you have at lest one pretty wife, so it must be easier for you not to watch porn knowing that you got a pretty wife waiting for you behind the door.
but me on the other hand dont have a beauty wife so its much harder for me to resist porn knowing i wont get satisfied at night, i think if i would divorce and get married with a pretty girl my life will turn around because i will be satisfied and wont have the urge for shmits.

Bokertov wrote:
I'm not sure, but from what I have read not necessarily.

Bokertov wrote:
There are plenty of people on GYE that have pretty wives and still masturbate and watch pornography.

Perhaps post this in the balei batim section in more detail. Is the only problem her looks? Do you feel love for her? You need to explain a bit more. The balei batim section is the place to do that.

Also, check out the "shalom bayis" link in my signature. It has an extreme case of someone who was not satisfied with his wife and turned his whole relationship around with the help of a very wise rav.

Bokertov wrote:
You are off to a great start! Opening up and reaching out for help is step 1. MAZAL TOV on taking the 1st important step. Read the handbook. Keep posting. You are not alone. We all have the same basic problem. There is help.

Bokertov wrote:
There are 2 types of triggers, and we need to try and avoid both. One is the physical trigger. Having a smartphone, Seeing a woman on the street, seeing a relative, or bachur etc. I don't know enough to say "get rid of the smartphone", but anything you can do to make the nisayon less is definitely advisable.

The second type is emotional triggers. They can very often be the bigger problem. You mentioned your youth. You mentioned attraction to bachurim. There may be emotional issues you need to address. Things like lonliness, boredom, low self esteem can lead us to act out. You masturbated well before you met your wife. There was likely an emotional reason for that. We often act out as an escape from something.

Bokertov wrote:
Not by a longshot. See how many of us are signed up on GYE. It is the machala of this dor. No one is immune.

Bokertov wrote:
There is help. You are not alone. Commit to do whatever it takes. Many have been helped here. You can be too.

BokerTov welcome, you have come to the right place stick around listen and read there is much hope.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, leave your wife out of the picture, it has absolutely nothing to do with her looks, its only an excuse the YH is using for you to act out.

You are best going for advice on building a healthy relationship with your wife its never too late.

Many people have ugly looking partners and have a very good relationship in and out of the bedroom, whilst many have beautiful looking wives and can't hold on, it has nothing to do with looks. (When I was younger I also thought like that)

1- Am i gay because a nice bucher or boy turns me on? if i am what can i do ?????????

Sounds like you have Same Sex Attraction. This is a nisayon many men on this forum face. It doesn't mean you're gay. Being gay is a lifestyle choice made by people with SSA who choose not to fight this taiva. I don't envy not their olam hazeh and not their olam habah.

2- IF i would divorce and married a pretty girl will it be easier for me not to watch porn ?
(im confident with my self that if i would of had a pretty women i wouldnt zindig at all,am i right or wrong ? i think about it every single day
can someone with a pretty wife confirm that he dosnt have taves because his wife satisfied him.worth mentioning that i have already 1 child.[/color]

Your wife is your soul-mate. Sex is there to connect the two of you in a special and amazing way. We men who are addicted to looking and fantasizing about shmutz are unable to connect properly to our wives. It's difficult to relate to this concept when we're fahrteefed in lusting, but it's the truth so file it away somewhere in your mind. The only way to fix things is to get well, meaning to come completely clean of all this. It takes much commitment, but the effort is well worth it. The reward is life itself. Life lived. And an amazing, fulfilling, fun, physically satisfying relationship with YOUR wife.

Besides, they all get physically ugly less attractive eventually. What are we going to do then? Obviously thinking about trading for a prettier wife is faulty logic.

3- What can i do now to start getting myself out off this mess .which level to choose .

Daven to Hashem frequently that he should help you give up lusting. Tell Him you don't want to lust. When a lustful thought comes, including the urge to masturbate or look at anything untznius, tell Hashem that you surrender your lust to him and ask Him to take it. Over and over. All day. Avert your gaze from all potential lust objects. Keep away from the mikveh for now. Make getting clean and sober from this your top priority. Re-claim your brain and your life.

4 - is it possible to have a smartphone and still be a kosher yid? i tried putting all kind of filters but i change phones a lot and i always manage to get it back without a filter shoud i ditch my smartphone im afraid its to a big move what do you say ?

Getting sober needs to be your top priority. Do whatever it takes. I have a flip phone with no internet. Of course you're afraid. Your Y"H is afraid to lose it's lifeline to shmutz.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WITH THIS PROBLEM?????????????????

We each have our unique pekel, our unique set of circumstances. And we each have something to share here as a result. How about becoming active on this forum, posting chizuk on other threads, reading a lot here and learning what works for you. You are far from alone.

Alex Eliezer - Absolutely Brrrrrriliant

I wish there'd be a 'note' option next to 'quote' 'reply', so we can save great notes like this to the personal pages for our own chizuk

I'll leave the other questions to the experts but i'll take this one.

Bokertov wrote:


You may have some homosexual tendencies, but that doesn't mean that you are "gay". We don't always have a choice over who we are attracted to. But "gay" is a made up propaganda word that indicates a choice to embrace that lifestyle. The outside world is doing a great job convincing everyone that if you are "born that way" then you have no choice.

I am primarily homosexual, but i choose not to identify as gay. It's a choice that i have to keep making over and over. Day in and day out.

It's getting late so I'll just wish you a Good Shabbos. Stick around, there is much to learn here.

My point is that my wife has nothing to do with my struggles. That is a very important lesson that I'm sure many of us here on the forum had to discover. It's not about your wife's looks. It's that lust is insatiable. One sip is too many and a thousand is never enough, we say.

Now if you and your wife are having other issues, I don't have anything to say (me being uninformed). But if you think marrying a beautiful girl will fix your issue and that that justifies divorce, I think you are wrong. I believe marriage is meant to be "till death do us part", despite the difficulties. If you have problems with one girl that you can't work out, leaving them won't fix it because there's going to be problems with the next girl. Interpersonal problems are the result of unresolved intrapersonal problems (of both parties).

The looks won't change anything, my brother married a girl who is very unattractive and is very happy with her. We don't need wives that look like and act like porn stars to be happy. Average looking girls are normal; most guys are married to them. The problem is with our lust for more and more, sexier and hotter. We think we want and need that, but it's a lie to ourselves.

Bokertov wrote:


There is no statistic stating that one gets satisfied more with a pretty wife than one who is not pretty....my hunch is that it is the reverse.

Many of us in general won't get satisfied.....period!