This is exactly why I'm in AA. I may not be an actual alcoholic, but I'd rather not take my chances.

I saw this recently and definitely relate to parts of this, i think.

The psychotherapy and scientific world is now using a popular theory called “Attachment Theory” that was actually developed over 60 years ago by John Bowlby.

The basic idea is that if we feel safe and securely attached to things or people that will help/comfort/protect us when things are difficult or scary for us, THAT is what helps us to become independent later on and take risks in life.
We know we can take risks and do scary things BECAUSE we feel that we have an emotional safety-net ingrained in our subconscious mind.

According to this we can understand why some people use drugs, lust, have poor interpersonal interactions, etc.-we can say that SINCE they don’t feel safe when confronted with scary or risky situations, they go into a fight-flight mode and cope with their fear by fighting back with their wife, numbing out the pain with lust, taking a drink when see sees a high electric bill, etc

I can definitely relate to that, and I think there's a lot of truth there. We're not people who respond in a healthy way to stress and difficult situations.

What does Dov say? "when the going gets tough, the addict gets...acting out?"

Markz wrote on 23 Feb 2017 22:01:

I totally agree. The whole theory of sleep training for kids I think is so cruel. The child will be much better off knowing it can rely on its mother whenever. And that self esteem will grow and be ingrained. 

Now my question is: I didn't get much growing up. Divorce, fighting parents, bad father. So how do I give over that security to my kids? If I myself am not secure?

Sorry for the potential hijack. I am South African, after all

I cannot answer for the security thing but

My personal feelings on sleep training is that while now it may seem cruel the child learns things from these type of things for example is it cruel to not let a child have to many sweets , nope.....
And from a selfish perspective I want to sleep too (and maybe then be able to have enough patience to be a good father) ;-)

If the baby is getting a healthy dose of life then they should be getting more than enough hugs and nurturing during feeds and awake time.
Some babies have a hard time relaxing just like us adults.. and there is no harm in training them how to fall asleep by themselves even if it means they cry a bit beforehand.
There is a time for sleep and a time for hugs.
This is not to be confused with adults who lacked nurturing in their youth to the point that they had to self-medicate as they grew older.
Sleep training is a very good example of learning how to deal with life.
A similar example would be the parents who take turns rocking and shaking the baby because that's the only way they will calm down.
If they wouldn't have started to rock them every time then they wouldn't have conditioned the baby to needing it.
Babies are not like us old people...

I find it funny how we can get so far off topic sometimes,..
I used to agree with the one  who said that 'rocking parents' caused their children to need it, then I had another child and saw that what worked for one does not work for the next, so I then agreed that it was curl to let them cry, then I had another child and saw that what worked for the next didn't work for another, so I had to change again.... melatonin, bottles, no bottles, only water, no water, night light, no light, stay in room, stay out of sight..... My current opinion is that anyone who has a strong opinion on what will or will not work has not personally tried it on multiple children. But, that's that's not a strong opinion of  mine either...

To bring the topic back to addiction, the same theory that Still Going presented applies here too. It seemed from the many people on Guard Your Eyes, that there is no one method that will work for everyone. Just like children, we too need to try the different ways until we find the one that will let us sleep through the night without masturbating.

We tried it on multiple babies and we were successful.
Where it got tricky was when they stopped being babies.

I recently bought a book on cd about attachment theory. Great stuff, very helpful regarding my insecurities and doing a proper 4th step.

But nothing to do with sobriety, to me. Explaining why I am motivated to do things means little, until I am freed from them. This is what i keep discovering. Once I am free, then logic can start to seep in and help me grow even further and and become a healthier person through my step work and other work, be"H.

Until I am sober and free of it, I cannot grow. 

I am not referring to you, but the topic reminds me again of what i used to see on GYE years ago and keep seeing every now and then: People want to figure it out in order to let it go and get clean. But as the AA's taught me, "I can't think myself into right living. I can only live myself into right thinking." And right thinking is what recovery is all about.

Dov wrote on 26 Feb 2017 18:47:

My point was that communication / attachment and lust are sometimes intertwined. Therefore if we would try instead to fix the attachment issues, the lust could mimela be resolved somewhat.

Im taking about real action and new living on a plane of healthy attachments, thanks to my crazy shrink. Which I have a hunch has helped me reduce lusting. Farshtei?

Teshuva?

Ever since my "sobriety date" Aug 2015, thank GD for The.Guard, I don't feel I have done genuine charata (remorse).
I'm missing that "feeling"

I have definitely not done Teshuva like I used to after Masturbating and then with tears crying out to Gd with a real broken heart and sincere repentance (and then falling again a month later and the Teshuva cycle repeated)

When I was lusting, I was able to do real Teshuva

I remember clearly one of my most heart wrenching Teshuva prayers was at a Internet awareness gathering in my town (and then probably fell again a week later)

But since recovery started, I just mouth the words "chatati". Believe me I am sincere, but my heart isn't there with the same anguish

Why is that?
Here's my unprofessional rationale

Lusting mode, is caused by emotions that are out of control.

So we go with our emotions downhill to porn, and rise up with our emotions to Teshuva. And the see-saw dance is forever

In recovery we get in control of our emotions to a certain extent. And therefore when it comes to "Teshuva", we can repent while keeping our emotions in check and not getting all sad / excited about it.

If doing Teshuva requires us to invest emotion, that can put us straight back in the mess we were in

During davaning (or whatever I did was called) today, I thought as follows:

God, if I make a strong connection with You, I may need to feel guilty about the past. Presently, I'd like to avoid that.

hmmm

Why?
Why the focus on needing to have charata? is focus on the relationship with hashem not more important? is the focus on azivas hachait not more important?

And what is the association with guilt and charata?

Is a component of Charata not just wishing I had not done what I did? is not by being here inherently a form a Charata?

what is guilt if not just a very strong emotion... of which we may or may not be able to control?

I think we have all had those moments of clarity as to how helpless we were and broke down in an endless flow of tears... but is that charata or, as Markz was alluding to, just us so knee deep in emotions? after a period of strongly enforcing and re-enforcing an azivas hachait we feel more "in control (illusion of control)" and more emotionally stable. 

I would go out on a limb and say that the desire to do "true" charata comes from the yetzer hara trying to downplay any accomplishments or sell us short.

Anyone who has had serious issues and has battled with blood sweat and tears to do the ratzon haborei needs to hold his head up high and not worry so much about charata, maybe maybe on yom kippur ... but chas vsholom to have it lead to getting depressed which can begin a downward spiral

Hatzlacha!!