ShmaYisroel wrote:


We were joking around off topic for a while.

Sholom,

Well I have had a very difficult week, with an even more challenging first days of selichos and I also fell again, but it is too recent so I can't even update it on the ninety-day chart yet. It is true I went to the Mikveh and did all the things that one should do in such a case, but I am becoming a bit hopeless. If even nine days before Rosh Hashanah I am even with my mind in the shmutz I would almost ask: What will be?

It was a difficult day for me and not only because of the early-morning fall. I am beHashgacha Protis stricken with a debilitating disease. I am very quickly tired and have difficulties concentrating. It runs in the family. My father (may he be well) has it, I have it. Fine, so I am learning too live with it. I am saying that I am still learning too live with it even eight years after I found out that I am the "lucky one" to have inherited this set of genes. I know for one that I will probably (Rachmana Litzlan) not make it past fifty (I am now 35).
Too make a long story short. This afternoon I found out that my two-and-a-half year old daughter most probably has it, as well.
When I told my father after that fatefull talk with the doctor eight years a ago that I am in the (welcome to the club) same gene-pool as he is, he felt guilty. I thought it was irrational and he should not say such things. The funny thing is (or maybe not so funny, but definetely irrational) that I am feeling guilty now as well.
I know what you are going too say. "Get out of guilt, it is the most dangerous place for an addict!" Well that fall which I had occured even before I had this doctors appointment

Now when Cordnoy would walk in with a desert eagle (do I have that right?) saying that he will scatter my brain over the desktop, I would have no difficulties smashing my computer with a sledge hammer. Why then, when Gehinnom is looming on the horizon (doubled up with the fear that I can die any moment Rachmana Litzlan) do is still get in this frenzy of "having to see" and behave like a madman. This happens on average almost twice a week (and now I am talking about a good period).
Something trickers my imagination. Something trickers that mad-dash for a fix. Something I saw in the street or a certain thought-train which came along and I am captivated by that chains which drag me too the accursed machine.

I have a few hundred books on my shelves (I am a bit of a bibliophile [my positive -but not soo strong- addiction] about myriads of subjects which interest me. Why do I have to go to this proverbial Etz HaDaas called the internet?

Somehow I feel that if I don'to there I will loose out (big time). Once the Soton has me behind the computer it is a little step towards total depravity.
Of course everybody will tell me "stay a away!" and even if I would swear to stay away I know that it is short-lived. I find myself back at gunpoint again and again.
I feel lost in the entanglements of the yetser and dont know what to do.

I found that to be in contact with people is certainly helping me, but it is not going to do the job of getting sober. The twelve steps (well, you read about my attitude toward those). To start is sooo difficult.

Okay I have to go to selichos in 1 hour and 53 minutes (I already slept over six hours this day) I going to have another catnap.

Good night everyone and if you woke up goodmorning
ShmaYisroel

May God be with you and your family.
I put away my weapon.

B'hatzlachah

"To start is sooo difficult... Okay I have to go to selichos in 1 hour and 53 minutes"

Who are we fooling? G-d??
"Hi G-d please give forgive me - selach, because it's too difficult for me to change myself...". Are you kidding?

My friend - in my little opinion - Skip the Selichos and go get help! Now!

I will bl"n donate $36 to צדקה if you do that - I CANNOT afford that, but for you 'ShmaYisroel' that I love - anything! And I wish you a long life too!

markz wrote:


I don't get the trade.

cordnoy wrote:


BS"D

Neither did I. As for fooling Hashem Yisborach. That is not true. I might have been fooling myself as part of my denial. So in some sense I guess I have been fooling Hashem by default kavei Yochol.

But the problem is just that deep down inside you know you are folling yourself causing greater anxiety and feelings of emptiness which have to be filled up with garbage. The garbage make you feel even more stupid and thus is the vi(s)cious cycle born.

Where does this (so-called) addiction come from? It isn't born in a vacuum!
Unfulfillment leads to feelings of depression and worthlessness which leads to trying to escape from the truths of life.
It is true that as a very emotional being and being very sensitive (I didn't say sensible) I very quickly reach for brain-stimulants (p*rn) coupled with m....... and that causes me to feel very low.
If you'd talk to me in the street or Beis Medrash or whatever, I'd be very amicable discussing divrei Torah and divrei Mussar. Giving the impression of a very put together person who is always is the first one to greet a newcomer whether it is in the Beis Medrash, street or the bus.
This double life; fooling my friends, family and (almost) everybody who knows me (including myself) is very depressing and painful.

To start acting (against the addiction)? It needs to be done.... It is only a few more days to Rosh Hashoneh. I just wouldn't know how to start and what to do. Putting all those mental blocks a aside?? I'd say: Impossible!

I guess I can only daven that Hakodesh Boruch Hu will have mercy on me and my family.

Hi ShmaYisrael,

I am so sorry to hear about your illness and that your daughter also has it R"L!

I will bli neder keep you in my tefillos throughout the Yoomim Noraim. As Chizkiyah told Yeshayau, Afilu cherev chadah etc.
With all the Gedolim telling us that mashiach is imminent, motzai shevi'is etc., signs all around that this is a zeman mesugal for Mashiach, it's very possible that the future may be very different for all of us that we anticipate.




I can't answer you why anyone does anything, but I can only tell you my own experiences. Without your terrible illness, R"L, I too have felt this sense of wonder of how spiritually suicidal my behavior is. The YH is extremely smart and has an immense strength in the ability to direct our thinking and he can manipulate a situation in contradictory directions (see Michtav M'eliyahu).
The very fact that I have a looming appointment with the Yom Hadin can itself cause me to feel like screaming "Aaaaah! how am I going to get out of this? My scale is too heavily laden down on the aveiroh side! The Din is implacable and cannot be bribed - all summed up in one word - YIUSH.
With such tension building up inside, I need some method of comfort/escape to distract myself.

This is the ultimate vicious cycle...

ShmaYisroel wrote:


My friend, I went through this cycle over and over for years, with each cycle getting exponentially more desperate, and cycling quicker and quicker.

Did you ever watch the spokes of a wheel on a bicycle as it picks up speed? In the beginning you can see a distinct direction of movement until it speeds up to the point where it all blurs together, and then it looks like it reverses direction. So too, the cycle sped up until it was almost one long stretch of pain, and the situation was reversed from occasional depths of pain to one long stretch of pain and despair punctuated by occasional glimmers of fake comfort which kept feeding into the negative emotions.

It was only when this deteriorated to the point where I could no longer maintain the facade, and it started visibly affecting my interactions with my family that I went for professional help.

Even then I was not able to stay dry!

The RBS"O in His great kindness helped me by orchestrating events so that other areas of my life that had been stable also unraveled, and I had nothing left that allowed me to continue fooling myself that my life was basically manageable with only a little problem that I would one day in the future find a way to resolve.




NO! it is the YH telling you that your only option is to daven to Hashem for mercy. Of course, you can and should do so, but if you allow yourself to think that this is your only option, that has to be atzas hayetzer.

When I hit my rock bottom, the RBS"O again sent me a yeshua, which I won't get into details about, but although the way events happened was without a shadow of a doubt all directly His hashgacha, and only went well because He allowed it to be so, it did start with some direct actions that I took in the right direction, like a sleepwalker trying to fumble in the dark towards a light that I could only see a reflection of.

Everyone has his path to follow, may the RBS"O help you find yours bkarov with as little pain as possible... avol lo al yedei yisurim v'cholaim ra'im.

WELCOME ShmaYisroel! It's nice to have you with us. You have already shared quite a bit. Yasher Koach for that. Keep interacting with the oilam. My main piece of advice is "do what works". Don't make too many cheshbonos. See what other sober people have done to get sober and stay that way. Then copy them. Too much thinking is the enemy of sobriety, and is usually just a tool of the Yetzer Hora to prevent us from taking positive action.

You mentioned perfectionism. I highly recommend you click the Dr Sorotzkin link in my signature. He has some very good stuff on perfectionism (and other things) on his website.

Hatzlacha Rabbah! Keep posting!

BS"D


Sholom to the whole oilam Bnei Aliyah,

Here we are again, barely four days before HaYom HaGodol weHaNorah. There are so many feelings that flip through my head when Rosh Hashanah comes around again. So many thoughts. One opposite the other.
It is of course no joke. Yom HaDin. In the earlier years women would stand with there laundry by the well or by the river shouting at their boisterous youngsters - who were playing tag - that it is Elul and even the fish in the river a shuddering about the impending Din.

On the other hand, we are eating and drinking and enjoying the uplifting Tefillos of this awesome day BS"D.
Rabbi Becher said it in a few words, but in encapsulates the thought which I try to hold on to: "Yes, it is definitely Yom HaDin. But you know who is the judge who will decide everything for the coming year? It is your loving father."
Well, I don't know about yours, bt my father loves me unconditionately. (I think I wrote that maybe wrong)

Of course it is Din and it might be the most serious Rosh Hashanah for many years to come. I know how badly I behaved. Even as recent as this morning. But to keep bashing myself over the head is not going to help any. Of course Teshuva we have to do and we have to strive to be part of Klal Yisroel, as much as we can manage.

Every time I act out, I hope it is the last time. But things are not so simple. How do you guys go into the days of Rosh Hashanah and the Aseres Yemei Teshuvah and Yom Kippur? I really would like to read a bit on your outlook.

Thanks and already a Kesivah weChasimah Toivah
ShmaYisroel

ShmaYisrael

I want to explain here what I wrote in the previous post, however I don't know you well enough to be able to say that you can 'take this to the bank'

When we are speeding along the wrong highway it's not the time for teshuva and selichos, we gotta first change our דרך (based on the classic Shaarei Tshuva 1:11).
If there is no solution then our only recourse is pray pray pray.
However if there is GPS to save us from the wrong road (see my signature), let's utilize it. I know I'm asking you to take a VERY difficult step, but you already began the re-route by joining GYE and you did mentioned a difficult step which may save you. Also, if skipping selichos would shock me awake to take the step, I'd do it, but I'm not your rabbi..

All the best

Dear MarkZ,

I am a bit confused, but can you explain to me what that difficult step is supposed to be? I am wasn't born very smart It is a family-disease.

Thanks for caring so much!
Shmayisroel

"The twelve steps (well, you read about my attitude toward those). To start is sooo difficult."

That was the "difficult" step" I was referring to.

You wanna know my unprofessional opinion for your dependence solution?
I repeat I'm not the pro here, but just posting my thoughts for you ShmaYisrael.

I'm not sure that the 12 steps is THE solution for everyone.

I cannot totally relate to you, as our backgrounds are very different, but this is what I recommend.

1) Re-read all the posts on your thread - Take a 'pen and paper' or your mouse, Copy and paste any of the great tips mentioned

2) Go get help!
Did you get help for your ADHD? Go get help with SA!
SA is a natural condition, and there are excellent tools to deal with it. Begin an email correspondence with one of the pro's on Guardyoureyes. Better yet, call one of them. I'd do the same if I had to, but my brain is wired differently than you, and I may be succeeding with other methods.

3) If skipping 1 selichos will shake you awake from slumber to take a big step forward, do it.

"Thanks for caring so much!"

We're in this together brother