I don't have much advice and lately that means that I keep quiet, but you called me out, so....

Don't go to mikvah and don't read the tikkun.

B'hatzlachah

I will not 'lay it on you' here. It will do no good at all. It will also confuse readers. People read things that are appropriate for someone else and see that it is not right for them, then they assume that the person who wrote it is as monolithic and simple as they are...they never ask for advice again, assuming that whatever they read is the only thing there is to say. Boy, what a mistake.

So. If you are asking me to share the change in my life, with you, then all I can suggest is this: Call me and we will talk. You can email me for my cell #.

After that,  you can sensibly decide if what I've got is for you, or not.

My email is wequithiding@gmail.com

 

Redbeard and yiraiShomayim said good, tho. 

Boy, GYE is way different (better) than it was when I first came here. Much more realistic and less soupy and silly. Ashreinu.

My suggestion/offer still stands. It might be a waste of your time, but I am happy to give it a try.

Redbeard is right.  I really don't want to change.  I want to keep doing what I am doing, and not get caught at it or in trouble for it.

Thanks folks.  Your words are appreciated.  Trying to figure out Dov's post but he is a bit shall we say, "enigmatic" in his writings. 

This site is no longer for me.  It is for people who want to change, and who want to make a commitment to change.

I, unfortunately, am not one of those, as my behavior clearly demonstrates. 

I will no longer bore your with my pathetic escapades and cycle of guilt, teshuvah,guilt, teshuvah any longer. It is even boring me. 

With that said, I do thank you folks for your time and trying to help me.  But, as they say, you can't help those who won't help themselves.

I do not want help, I want absolution for my sins, AFTER THE FACT.  

And nobody is going to give me that, except perhaps HKBH, and even then only if I can sincerely atone, and we all know that the Rambam is clear about how real teshuvah can be accomplished and I and miles apart from that goal 

All is not lost, I am not depressed about his, and in fact I am rather happy that I came to this conclusion.  Now it is  clear to me that I need to look in to myself and look much deeper for outside help than this site can provide.

Again, thank you all for your time and attention. 

May Hashem bless all of you with the conquering of your Y"H and for all your KOSHER wants and desires to be fulfilled. 

ataglance12345 out!

I guarantee that more guys are not here to change than you realize.

Also, your interpretation of the RMB"M - especially regarding "Teshuvah gemura" which is the holy grail of most GYE guys - is way, way off base. You are not on the same page with Hashem on this, I am certain. 

But instead of begging you to stay, I will send you a PM, and we will see what comes of it.

I love you because you are a fellow lust sufferer and I relate so much to you., But there is success out there, and it is found in ways that are all different from whatever you have been trying thus far, I am sure.

Ataglance, please do yourself one last favor before leaving GYE. Give Dov a call (write to him to get his number).

Your hypocrisy is not 'evil", it is simply "sick". And sick people can be healed by Hashem if they take the right steps. Mikva, teshuva, tikkun, etc. are not going to help if we are missing real emunah. The 12-Step program has helped millions world wide. If you join SA and have some humility and open-mindedness, you can merit to see miracles, like Dov and so many others have. 

מה בצע בדמך ברדתך אל שחת? 

Time for a story:

Rebbe Nachman told a story about a gentile pauper who left the seder in a huff, right before the shulchan oreich began. He was sick of the little bit of wine he was given, then the tiny veggie, and then dry bread and finally the horseradish. Crazy! And he screamed at the people and left.

Has anyone else wondered a sI have, why Rebbe Nachman told the story with the guy leabing davka at the cusp of success? Was it just for the irony of it - or was there a deeper, really meaningful lesson here?

Well, lets see here:
 
ataglance has been here and used GYE tools and as he put it, posted, and complained....he did not achieve the success he was seeking. I know that pain very, very well, as do many others.

I believe Rebbe Nachman was saying that it is davka because a person is at the very cusp of success, that they feel the need to run. Subconsciously their heart says in a desperate whisper, "Buddy, something might actually happen if I do this - something real! I'd better run quick."

ataglance tried some gye tools that help some people, yet here he was doing things he posted above. Then he writes, "Lay it on me, go ahead," I need to change.

And look what happened...

Redbeard suggested laying off alcohol....a real change and nobody likes to change. It is not ataglance only. It's all of us! Change - yuck.

Then Cordnoy suggested ataglance that he consider getting off the kedushas haBris mikvah merry-go-round (that he has always gotten on each time before falling yet again, correct?)...and that was also a real change in behavior that could make a difference. Yuck.

Then yiraishomayim suggested ataglance shift away from the self-beating rebuke approach (that he always uses before falling again, too)...yuck, more change!

All I suggested was a thing that ataglance was offered before: try the real thing instead of insisting on hiding behing a username. He is not a child, but a grown man. Yet so many people buy into the lie that "posting on a forum with a 'username' to other people hiding from you behind their usernames is the best and perfect place to finally come out of your shell and get the help you really need because here you can finally be honest as you want."

Not true, not true, not true.

As some moderators on GYE have sent to me recently, there is a video of a Ted talk describing what makes recovery from addiction actually work: real, healthy, relationships. Even though my posts are quoted in them, I do not get the chizzuk emails and never have had a subscription. But I was shown this one by Guard. It was posted in a chizzuk email a while back:


If you can see it, please pay particular attention to minutes 10:40-11:40, where the guy makes the case I refer to here. It is only the realness of it and the real people in it, that makes recovery from addiction effective in 12 step groups.

Using a virtual name and trying to be really honest to a virtual person who cannot ever know you may be a step in the right direction...but for a guy like ataglance and many others here who have been around a while and never made it yet...it is not nearly as real as the porn fantasies running through our minds while we are masturbating ourselves; not nearly as real as the orgasms we give ourselves when we act out; and not even as real as the pictures or movies that we use when we use our porn. All of them are far more precious and far more intense and far more meaningful to us - because they are real to us. For a true addict, fake names and pretend-'coming out' are just games.

They may be stepping stones to finding real help, yes. I have seen that happen for over 100 guys already. But it's a real step and hard for us to take. Because it's different.

Yuck!  

I do not know if ataglance will change his mind. I also do not know if ataglance needs to change his mind. Perhaps his life is manageable as ti is right now. I have no idea. Stopping him from sinning is certainly not my goal and is certainly not my job al pi halocha nor al pi recovery. (And 'hocheyach tochiach' does not mean we must stop them from sinning, sorry. That, is called co-dependence and is a disease, actually. All we need do is try to help them by warning them.) 

But I do know that ataglance is no different than any of us all in this. Changing in things that are not real does not bother us too much...but we all hate to change when the change is real change. 

ataglance12345, I don't know if you are still checking this thread, but in case you are, I wanted to add my name to those who are saying that there is a lot of things possible to do that can help lesson the cravings over time. . Mikva, teshuva, tikkun are for the past. Until we are cured, we need to focus on the future. You mentioned that you will be looking for more help then you can get on a website. I hope you find what will work for you.
Some of your posts sounded almost like you didn't care, but it seemed to me, that it may have been so overwhelming and unbearable that you just couldn't handle the severity of it, and instead said ho hum, but, you also said Oy, me haya lanu. You can do this, but we need to try smarter, not just harder. Sure you enjoy it, so do I. Recovery is getting to the point when we don't crave that enjoyment so much.  As they say in Home Depot, "you can do this, we can help" (ok, maybe I can't help so much, but there are many who can). We just need to begin real recovery process, not just teshuva process. G-D willing, there will be time for real teshuva when we are better, and if not, at least we died showing G-D that we really tried. No one said "stop doing it", all we are sain' is, start a real recovery program, and that's done by speaking with someone knowledgeable  in these things to help map it out. Don't worry about missing it all. Right now, no one is saying to never go back. What is bein' said now, is to start a real plan of recovery - talk to someone to make that plan.

Wishing you loads and loads of Success in all good things and good ways.
sg

I don't know if ataglance will take the advice being offered to him here. I hope he does. But I just want to say that reading these posts, of yidden that just refuse to give up on another yid, has filled me with emotion. May Hashem help and protect all the tzaddikim who frequent this site and make themselves available to share their experience and hope with others.

The moment we give up on another is the moment we give up on ourselves.

By the way, mr real simcha, I sent you a few emails last week.

ataglance12345 wrote on 12 May 2016 16:58:

ataglance
Am I the only one that heard the good news?

I understood that you decided the forum isn't gonna do it, and will go to therapist or similar - see the part I highlighted (It is strange that you didn't want to contact Dov, but perhaps you don't know what Dov can actually offer)

I feel that the comments to you were on the mark and your conclusion was on target to success

Whether on or off the Forum
KEEP ON TRUCKING

cordnoy wrote on 12 May 2016 23:48:

Just checked. I usually don't check my emails from that address that often. But I didnt understand it. I responded now. Please be in touch.

ataglance12345 wrote on 12 May 2016 17:02:

Ataglance,

No wisdom or advice from over here, I just wanted to say that I feel you're giving up way too soon. I was on GYE 2 years, apart from the years beforehand on other forums, during which time I put a huge amount of effort into 'fighting' this addiction - unsuccessfully. It was only after years of failure that I started to see some success, by the grace of G-d.

Don't quit before the miracle happens.

For more information on how miracles can and do happen, please call Dov.