First time poster...So here is my issue. I have run out of any ability to stop the following behavior: I will go to a bar. First mistake. Then I will drink too much. Then I will start flirting with women. Then I will sometimes go to a dance club from the bar. Then I will pay for services...all types. I have also been known to sometimes have had actual relations with these woman as well, sometimes quasi-prostitutes other times just loose women that I meet at a bar. Then I usually will go to a nearby restaurant and eat everything on the menu that is not kosher. Last night I had a bacon cheeseburger, french fries, pancakes and steak and eggs. Then I go home and go to bed. The next day I will feel horrible, beg Hashem for forgiveness, maybe go to the mikvah to make myself feel clean, and then stop for a week or two. Then I will go to a bar, and the whole thing starts over again. Oh, and let's not forget that I will access pornographic sites as well and sometimes finish myself that way.Talk about a yetzer hora. I am not sure what else I could be doing that is worse. I am a Shomer Shabbos Jew. Obviously, I know that what I m doing is terribly terribly wrong, but I cannot seem to stop. Even when I stop for months at a time, I still go back to this behavior. And it is getting worse. Just as an aside, when I am sober, I do not engage in any of this behavior, but am a good Jew, learning and davening, keeping kosher etc. I always seem to drink to drunkeness at the bar as well. Binge drinking they call it. I do not drink at all during the day and can actually go weeks without a drink. Obviously, I feel like a horrible hypocrite. On a "postive " note, I have never had a long term affair with another woman, only one time sexual trysts. Of course, I often fantasize about having long term affairs with my coworkers or people I meet. I am a basket case, living a double life, and fully aware of the spiritual damage I am doing to myself and my family. I keep praying to Hashem not to punish my family on account of my sins, as that is my worst fear. I also find myself wishing that I was dead after these incidents, but have only thought about it and said it to myself, I have never attempted to take my own life, but it scares me that I could if I get so low. Oh, and lets not forget how many times I have driven while drunk, clearly breaking the law. I always pray to Hashem to get me home safely and not let me be pulled over and arrested while driving drunk. How is that for scary stuff. So, what am I? Alcoholic, sex addicted, or just a creep with a nasty Yetzer Hora that he can't control. G-d, writing this down and actually seeing it on paper scares the daylights out of me. Help! What should I do?

Welcome,

Take a deep breath and look around the site.
Perhaps some clarity will emerge.
Openin' up is a positive step!

b'hatzlachah

I don't know how much chizuk I can offer you. My heart goes out to you. Its must take enormous kocahs to break away from it. I will say that as one who works at a corporation myself I always envisoned that your situation is nearly impossible. After all I am a jewish guy who has no shayichus to pop culture. I am bald and have a cholent boch. So why would some random good looking shkitza (or even cool secular jewish girl) be interested in a guy like me? And in fact I have attended happy hours. Most of it is just very strictly platonic chit chat's with lite drinks. And I never did fully fit in with them. (Ok there is one chinese girl that clicks well with me. But that still never got to even flirting).
So what I will tell you is that your story shows anything is possible. And one must always keep his guard. Even if I don't know how you can creep out of it, you should know that by posting your story it serves as a chizuk and reminder to us how careful we should be. You already did wonders for society!
I hope you have lots of luck and find the right answers needed.

Hello and welcome!
I would say that AA is calling your name. If you only act out sexually when you're drunk, it may be high time to get help with your drinking. In addition, this site is great for help with all kinds of sexual improprieties, but in my opinion (and I am a recovering alcoholic as well as a sex and porn addict) until you get your drinking out of the way, you are not going to succeed.
I used to drink myself drunk every time I would drink, and then go into all kinds of sexual acting out. But because I wouldn't drink during the day or not every single day, I had a hard time admitting I had a drinking problem. It's not an easy pill to swallow, but I would encourage you to continue on your path to live a better, more congruent life.
Hatzlocho.

This story has all the hallmarks of a real addiction. This is not just a "Yetzer Hara", this is insanity.

As the founder of this website, and with years of experience dealing with hundreds of cases, I would advise the following two things:

1) Find an SA (sexaholics anonymous) 12 Step group nearest to you and join ASAP. See www.sa.org for more information and to find a meeting close to you. At the meetings, you will learn how to break free of these destructive, addictive behaviors. You will find a sponsor to work the steps with, and group support to help you overcome this. If you would like a frum contact to guide you to an SA meeting near you, call me on the hotline 646-600-8100 Ext. 3 or write to gye.help@gmail.com.

2) Make a shvuah in the name of Hashem (and actually say Hashem's name) that if you intentionally step foot into a non-Jewish bar in the coming 6 months, you will have to give $18,000 to www.guardyoureyes.com for Tzedaka.

Option 2 may sound strange, but I know that this really works. And as long as you are in active addiction, option 1 won't work either. So you need to take this jump before any "inner change" can start taking place.

It is the Yartzeit of the Ohr Hachaim Hakadosh today. See what he wrote about making shvuos for gidrei arayos on this page. And see also what he wrote about breaking free of addictions to arayos on this page. There are some yesodos there that sound very much like the 12-Step program's mehalech.

In the zechus of the Ohr Hachayim, and in the zechus of your reaching out for help, may Hashem show you His great Rachamim and grant you back your sanity.

[quote="ataglance12345" post=258455]First time poster...So here is my issue. I have run out of any ability to stop the following behavior: I will go to a bar. First mistake. Then I will drink too much. Then I will start flirting with women. Then I will sometimes go to a dance club from the bar. Then I will pay for services...all types. I have also been known to sometimes have had actual relations with these woman as well, sometimes quasi-prostitutes other times just loose women that I meet at a bar. Then I usually will go to a nearby restaurant and eat everything on the menu that is not kosher. Last night I had a bacon cheeseburger, french fries, pancakes and steak and eggs. Then I go home and go to bed. The next day I will feel horrible, beg Hashem for forgiveness, maybe go to the mikvah to make myself feel clean, and then stop for a week or two. Then I will go to a bar, and the whole thing starts over again. Oh, and let's not forget that I will access pornographic sites as well and sometimes finish myself that way.Talk about a yetzer hora. I am not sure what else I could be doing that is worse. I am a Shomer Shabbos Jew. Obviously, I know that what I m doing is terribly terribly wrong, but I cannot seem to stop. Even when I stop for months at a time, I still go back to this behavior. And it is getting worse. Just as an aside, when I am sober, I do not engage in any of this behavior, but am a good Jew, learning and davening, keeping kosher etc. I always seem to drink to drunkeness at the bar as well. Binge drinking they call it. I do not drink at all during the day and can actually go weeks without a drink. Obviously, I feel like a horrible hypocrite. On a "postive " note, I have never had a long term affair with another woman, only one time sexual trysts. Of course, I often fantasize about having long term affairs with my coworkers or people I meet. I am a basket case, living a double life, and fully aware of the spiritual damage I am doing to myself and my family. I keep praying to Hashem not to punish my family on account of my sins, as that is my worst fear. I also find myself wishing that I was dead after these incidents, but have only thought about it and said it to myself, I have never attempted to take my own life, but it scares me that I could if I get so low. Oh, and lets not forget how many times I have driven while drunk, clearly breaking the law. I always pray to Hashem to get me home safely and not let me be pulled over and arrested while driving drunk. How is that for scary stuff. So, what am I? Alcoholic, sex addicted, or just a creep with a nasty Yetzer Hora that he can't control. G-d, writing this down and actually seeing it on paper scares the daylights out of me. Help! What should I do?[/quot

I have mixed and extreme feelings about your post. It is impressive that you had the courage to post this admission, yet its contents are very disturbing.
Being new you would not know that the person who is called the guard is man behind our forum. While he posts from time to time he does not do so frequently. The fact that he posted and said the strong words he did, indicates that your situation is most serious.

At the same time I can also tell you that many people come on our forum at various levels of addiction with all types of issues and in the course of time have become new people to the extent they themselves admit they never would have dreamed of.

ataglance12345 there is more than hope here. Follow the guard's advice. If you need more information on where to go in your area this forum will assist you.You must be vigilant in getting the proper help. If you do, there will be a time that you will be on this forum convincing another rookie poster that there is hope and using your very own accomplishments as strong proof to that.

There is nothing to think or wonder about - this is a time for action.

Good Luck!

Wow, you are scaring the heck out of me. As far as the shvuah, I have made them a number of times, specifically saying that I would not step foot in a bar, and lo and behold, I end up breaking that too, regularly. And how the heck am I supposed to go to a support group publicly? That is tantamount to exposing to the world my horrifically embarassing issues. I do have insurance for counseling, maybe I need to go see someone who specializes in addiction. I am already on medication for depression, and have been for years. The essence of this problem revolves around my drinking to excess. The two are inextricably connected. I do not engage in any of these horrible activities unless I am drunk. What if I work specifically on not drinking at all as a start? I think if I can get that under control, then I can get all the other issues under control. Am I being naive? In denial as they say? I am basically at my wits end as far as what I can do to stop this behavior. The funny thing is, I did not engage in any of this type of behavior when I was younger, only now that I am older have I been doing it. Strange to say the least.

WELCOME! Boy you brought out Guard and Obormottel! Both rarely post. I think obormottel makes sense. You are clearly out of control. Just because you have sober times doesn't mean you are not out of control. It just lulls you into thinking that you are basically normal. Get help fast. AA makes sense since you do not act out when sober.

Do something now, before it's too late, and you loose your job, your family etc.

You worry about Hashem punishing your family, but you do not worry about the damage you are already doing to your family, and all the more so if you are found out.

Get help now. AA, SA, therapy, something, but do not treat this problem lightly!

Keep us posted on your progress. We are here for you.

Oh boy, I am so proud that my problems elicited such a "chashuvah" response (sarcasm). So, realistically, how am I supposed to begin to do this is a discreet fashion so as not to have the whole world know of my problems? I think I am going to start with my employers EAP counseling program. They offer three free sessions with either a psychiatrist or a psychologist and then my insurance will kick in. I am going to call them and explain to them that I think I have an addiction problem, and that I want to get some counseling for it. This seems like the best way to start.

The most important thing is to start. The next most important thing is to keep at it .

I would like to say that as a member of AA with 8 years of sobriety from alcohol, you are definitely an alcoholic!! There is NO question in my mind about that! The behavior you have been engaging in is very typical of what you will find if you listen to AA members talk about their stories. I myself engaged in all the patterns of behavior you describe except for the part about eating treif. I haven't had a drink in 8 years and AA has changed my life in so many ways for the better.. I still struggle with a different issue that falls under the category of arayos, but there is simply NO comparison to the way I was pre-AA and the way I am now.. I would be happy to talk with you on the phone if you are so inclined.. Send me a private message and I will give you my phone number. Hatzlacha!

We figure out ways to porn.
We figure out ways to drink.
We are pros at hiding.
You can hide in recovery also, if that is what you choose.

Regarding all the posters who say you are definitely this or definitely that, take it to heart but not to the bank....you posted once and many factors can change along the way. As gibor said. ...start recovery (from all) and see where it leads you.

Bhatzlachah

not sure what this last post from cordnoy means?

ataglance12345 wrote:


Welcome to GYE

Cordnoy will make you think even more AFTER you understand him.

Welcome AT A GLANCE,

First of all I feel your pain. Although I cannot give you direct advice to your situation, I can give you advice in reference to utilizing GYE and its forums.

As You see many labeled you here as an addict. As this may be true, Please do not take it as 100%, and as cordonoy wrote DONT TAKE IT TO THE BANK. it does not have to be that you are addicted. It may be that methods that work for non addicts will work for you. Many of chaveirim here have recovered through the 12 step program for addicts. kudos to them that are committed to recover from their lust. This creates the notion that many members here as they open up, get bombarded that they are addicts and the only way to recover is through the SA and 12 step program. As this may be true for many of us and maybe even for most of us, it is not true for ALL of us. Therefore I am writing to you stick around and keep on posting and reading, perhaps you are an addict, perhaps you are not. one thing i can tell you, the if you will be determent to get over this by any price, Bezras hashem you will do it.

Keep us posted