abd297 wrote on 01 May 2016 23:34:

unprofessional opinion?
My answer is yes

What impression do you get if you'd see this on YWN?

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abd297 wrote on 01 May 2016 23:25:

abd297 wrote on 01 May 2016 23:34:

I have the exact same feelings as you do abd297. Good to know it's not just me.

It does bother me that I have those feelings, because it's pretty awkward to feel attracted to a woman twice your age, let alone the fact that she's married to your rebbi, but I don't think it's bad. If we were able to have those same interactions with girls our age, we would choose that, no?
But since we can't because of our society, we try to find it as much as we can elsewhere. Some rebbetzins schmooze it up with the bochurim, or at least try to be welcoming to us when we are in their homes, so it's only natural to feel that warmth and enjoy it. And part of enjoying it means getting caught up in it a little, the same way you only enjoy watching a football game if it's exciting for you to watch and you can get involved. Now if you are really going out of your way to make an impression, and that's all you can think about the entire time you're there, then maybe it is an issue; I don't know, I'm new at this.

markz wrote on 02 May 2016 00:18:

You might find it interesting that my Bais Yaakov sisters tell me that they like their Rabbeim better than their female teachers. I don't think it's only boys that like connecting to the opposite gender...

A little drastic going from sitting around a table and enjoying company to what you mentioned. 

Desiring attention from the opposite sex is completely natural and normal. It's a need. There's a reason why the family unit has a mom and dad, although some left-wingers, (not talking about hockey), may argue differently. But even within that, I have seen/listened to many programs about gays and lesbians and I recall a lot of them saying they feel that attention from both genders are important. However, I think that every person has to know when they are going into unhealthy areas. I know many a lovely rebbetzin, and looking forward to seeing them is fine, I believe. However, I think that if I'm deliberately trying to impress them then it's a problem. I think that you should maybe think why you have a desire to impress them ab. I have gone to therapy about this and I came up with some pretty good guidelines for myself. I know in my case it has a lot to do with my parents and my SSA. (Speaking of which ab, you mentioned your SSA thread, I couldn't find it, can you post the link?)

I have no idea how to post a link to it but it's called "Some Questions" . It was active last summer.

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/43-SSA-Forum/257994-Some-Questions

Thanks ya'll. I read it. Cool. Not strange. Good job sharing it. 

Are we talking about feeling good when a Rebetzin gives us attention? Or feeling attracted to a Rebbi's wife?

For me, one touches on my own emotional need, which might reflect insecurity and other things, but is not sexual really.  The other could be misguided lust.

I was thinking about this a bit.

First of all, a question for the married guys. I notice that almost everyone in this discussion is single. Does this particular issue get easier with marriage?

Second, having a conversation with a female neighbor would be considered pretty assur in certain communities.

Third, I don't think it's a society thing that makes people like talking to them I think it's almost completely physical. 

inastruggle wrote on 04 May 2016 16:24:

In terms of my neighbor, I wasn't clear what the situation is. She's probably about forty years old and has a number of kids ka"h, the oldest being over bar mitzvah. Is it still assur? Remember, she stopped me on my way to shul; I have no shaychus to her.

In regards to the rebbetzin issue, I agree that the actual attraction is physical, but I think it's so important to me and so impactful for me when it happens only because I can't get that anywhere else. If I had a real relationship with a girl my age, even if I did have that feeling from an older married women also, I don't think it would really matter to me as much as it does currently. It feels like a breath of fresh air; a rare, forbidden treat. (I'm exaggerating the obsession just a little to bring out the point.)

Make sense?

inastruggle wrote on 04 May 2016 16:24:

Hmmmm.....never noticed that. Maybe it does get a bit easier. But I am afraid that the real reason is that it is much more accepted for married men to talk to women so firstly, it is not as shocking and risque. and also, it is not as noticeable. But what goes on in our heads ... I dont think is all that different.

@birshusi I think it changes things if she's 40. I usually won't say anything unnecessary to a girl but someone who can be my mother I'm a lot more lenient with. I do know what you mean about the warmth.

@markz All my rabbeim's wives aren't exactly attractive so I never really had that issue.

inastruggle wrote on 04 May 2016 16:24:

I don't think connection with the opposite sex is physical. Its kinda a natural desire, I would say more emotional. My therapist wanted me to casually date girls so I would learn how to  relate to them. (He's a Rabbi also).

I agree. I meant physical as opposed to a social cause. Natural desire describes it way better.