That's what the moderators are here for I suppose.

I agree with the above suggestions. If you want a break from yeshiva but don't want to totally absent yourself from learning, find a local shul or beis medrash to go and learn whatever your heart desires and what you may not learn in yeshiva. I would avoid those factors that you listed as possible triggers.

I nearly fell today. I was trying to look something up and I got sent to the company site. Right away I was bombarded with triggering images.
I wasn't looking up anything bad and I didn't come across inappropriate material. The whole topic is triggering for me and I was foolish to even start. I was on my way to fully giving up until I stopped and thought. I just stopped and quickly logged onto GYE and went to my thread for chizuk. It was enough because I turned away and didn't fall.

That's the story. I may have shown strength in not actually falling but I was negligent to have let myself fall into that trap to start. I don't feel as if I won a battle, just that I saved myself from my own wrongdoing. It's not like I had another strong day and was the champion over my lust. I'm a little down from it. I feel like I haven't found real recovery and that I really need help. I know GYE isn't a magic pill that makes everything go away. I clearly need much more help because I can keep doing what I am doing which is pretty good but I'm missing a lot.

Don't beat yourself up. Learning about yourself takes time.

I have been on edge all day. I have been fighting off some of the strongest urges of the journey all day. Every time it came up I would push it off and say "In a few minutes", or "If this happens I'll do it", or "I'll do it after I finish this". I think I'm in the clear for today, thank G-d. I just need to hold out until I can get back to yeshiva on Thursday.

Just fell. looked up stuff I shouldn't have. Didn't masturbate but had an end. Wasn't inappropriate but is part of my fetish. I have been struggling so much these past 3 days. Pretty down about it. Gotta start over now. Have to watch not to make an excuse to let it all go now that I broke my initial streak.

Sorry to hear. No time to be "down". Need to get "up" and KOT!

I can relate. B"H I'm not talking about now but when I fell in March, I didn't have a "finish" but the behavior was my main m.o., so I had to reset my sobriety date ion SA. The 90 day chart for sure had to be reset. So kind of the opposite, but same idea. Mine was probably worse.

Things took a turn for the worse since my fall last week. I fell a few more times that week. at home now for the weekend and have fallen a bunch of times. Just like the old days. I have a stronger drive. I feel rebellious. It's as if I have given it all up and don't care anymore. I have intentionally fallen. I haven't even put up a fight because It feels like it's all over. I have crossed and thought about crossing lines which have never been in the picture. I intellectually know that it's wrong but I feel nothing at all.

I don't know how to restart with the same motivations as before. I don't feel the strength and the push as I did when I first discovered GYE. There's nothing to keep me from falling over and over again.

It's hard to keep up with my life when I don't feel up to it. I hate pretending that everything's alright. I can't continue like this. I have little access to GYE or other forms of help. I'm trapped in an endless cycle of lust, addiction, and emotions.

I feel like I'm repeating myself every time I post here. I haven't really gotten anywhere practically. I have nothing bad to say about GYE and it's wonderful users. I can only speak about how I feel about myself.

abd297 wrote:


Phew - Toughhhhhh

abd297 wrote:


There's a possibility that your Rebbe had the same lust challenges as you when he was a Bachur, as MANY bachurim have.
Look at him like a mentch that worked on himself, and he can be a great address to help you or refer you in the right direction.

We're all following you avidly. Many guys here started trying sobriety 20 years later than you, and hey did you hear the iPhone song yet?

Now - regarding your signature, here we say here
"We need to jump off the conveyor belt of life and TRUCK the rest of the way"

All the best!!

My friend,
I just came across this Dov quote and wanted to share with you



His full quote is found HERE

Hatzlacha

Not been doing too great the past weeks.

Regarding lust I have fallen back to where I was a while ago. I don't fall at yeshiva but I can't control my eyes or thoughts. At home for out shabbosim I fall multiple times a day. I feel like I have given up all efforts to stop anything. I use addiction as an excuse to let it all go. I have lost all semblance of recovery. I fall when I want without any bad feelings or second thoughts.

In general in yeshiva I have been struggling. I am anti social. I am often angry and frustrated. I am not satisfied. I'm bored. I'm out of it and tired. I'm sarcastic and irritable. I yearn for weekends and breaks. I don't take things seriously. I'm hypocritical, arrogant, and stubborn.

I take every day at a time but have nothing to look forward to. It's the usual mindless grind. I have lost contact with GYE and my other recovery resources. I am at a loss.

Your a lot more honest with yourself than I was in yeshiva!
KOT

ABD = A Bachur Determined wrote:


Regardless of lust, if i was in your shoes, i'd follow them out the door to a different yeshiva

During Chodesh Elul we ask Hashem To renew our Cheshek for him. Ask Hashem to renew your interest in coming clean of this way of life. You want not only to know intellectually that it is right to be sober and rely on him. You want to emotionally involved, to long for him and feel confident that he will indeed give you the siyatah dishmaya you desperately need. You want to get into a positive groove, taking it a day at a time, slowly regaining my joy of life.

Just saying these words and meditating on them will in themselves evoke a yearning!