I was actually wondering more along the lines of taking out the garbage because she wants you to, vs. being intimate because she wants to.. What do you think? 

I'm also terrified about marriage / dating (though I'm a bit older), but for different reasons mostly.  I told a girl once that I had been lonely, depressed, in therapy, used porn alot (I didn't call myself an addict, and I probably led her to believe that I would be controlled going forward).  Bottom line, she liked and respected me for other reasons, and these things didn't change that too much.

It's funny that you said the yichud room is a fantasy.  For me, the yichud room (and wedding night) is more like a nightmare.

cordnoy wrote on 09 May 2016 21:01:

So I actually was talking with him b'davka about shachris, he just brought up taking the garbage out as another example. He agreed with me about shachris. He even said that it's ok if I go to shul and do stepwork or something similar. As long as I am respecting her wishes. I don't think it's dishonest for me, I used to think that. I think that now it boils down more to wanting to sleep more and actually just getting out of bed early/doing other things than daven shachris. I davened today though! (First time in a long time).

thanks613 wrote on 09 May 2016 22:37:

A lot of guys freak out about the wedding night. My previous therapist said there was an argument about whether a guy should take Viagra the first night or try to get through it without it. Preliminarily, I am not worried about it. I have reasons why I am looking forward to it, things that help me even though the actual sex part sounds a little scary. In terms of being intimate, yeah I think it's a good analogy. From what I hear in the rooms, not everyone wants to have sex all the time, one side could want to even if the other doesn't. I believe that's part of what my therapist was talking about also. Also, this isn't just for me. He said that we should make this decision together, for each side to commit to valuing the other's as theirs or greater.

Sex in the yichud room?

Shlomo24 wrote on 02 May 2016 16:54:

Of course not, Cord. Just referencing something Shlomo wrote about.

Listen 613 and Shlomo, it is impossible to know all the dynamics of marriage beforehand. There are so many variables. The only thing that I can tell you for sure is this: If you develop your midda of being able to place the needs of others before your own you will figure it out. If you cant to that, all the hachanos in the world wont help you. Now you have to be careful because there is alot of subtlety there. Take my selfishness for example. I can totally put my wife's needs first but then I need to point that out to her and talk about it to death! Thats still selfish because I may have put her first, but its all - in the end - about the mileage that I get from it. So - just sharing my experience - I need to work on putting her needs and sensitivities first and making it pashut, not the material for my very own gadol book  

And it can be selfish to put her needs first, when you would like a return.

cordnoy wrote on 10 May 2016 12:44:

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

realsimcha wrote on 10 May 2016 14:51:

Yup, that how i understood rs originally.

realsimcha wrote on 10 May 2016 12:21:

True, but just like I am not going to do anything without preparing beforehand, so too marriage. I don't know about marriage. But I would like to know, at least conceptually, some ideas that will be helpful in marriage. I never would have came up with this on my own, so I asked my therapist. I'm probably going to ask him next time about properly voicing frustrations, another thing I don't know much about. If I can go into marriage with more of an idea of the core principles of marriage, than I believe I'm better off then just stam taking a leap. 

Shlomo24 wrote on 10 May 2016 15:31:

Totally with you on that Shlomo,

I was also pretty wound up in trying to prepare myself, went to a rabbi to shmooze like 10 times before engagement and a bunch more after enagagement, as well as with my then Kallah.

Had a lot of deprogramming to do. It helped somewhat, but until the wheels hit the pavement it was words. But I encourage anyone to do all they can to try to develop a healthy marriage paradigm beforehand.

good luck.

Shlomo24 wrote on 10 May 2016 15:31:

A little non-obsessive preparation never hurts. Good idea.

I lost my sobriety in a really intense way. I might update more but I might binge. I don't know.

Someone stole your TIRES?






Keep on Trucking

Shlomo24 wrote:

We are here for you
there is nothing too intense for us