You responded to exactly one line in my post.

Please respond to the rest.

ehrliche.bochur wrote:

Yes, it seems that way, but in reality it is not that way.
Да, кажется, что путь, но в действительности это не так.

cordnoy wrote on 06 May 2016 05:45:

I think there is irony here somewhere. .
only I am saying if it was halakha allow me to be married with someone I am attracted.
I would be very happy. I would not lust on others because already I would have outlet.
Starving are thankful for bread crumbs.
Is only my opinion

Major infiltration going on here
This is King Shlomos thread, and I'm worried his Royal Truck broke down since we haven't heard from him recently

so please


NO TRESPASSING

Ehrliche Bachur from Moscow, can we please have this discussion on a different thread

markz wrote on 06 May 2016 11:45:

It is fine. I can decide that for myself. 
 

ehrliche.bochur wrote on 06 May 2016 10:06:

I have heard from many people that the problem was sourced inside themselves. While I am not married, I know this is true. Having sex is not going to cure my problems. Their lusting after others had nothing to do with externals, it was all internal. So they could have beautiful wives whom they love, and still be lusting. Hell, look at all the celebrity cheating. They are all hot as hell and they are fooling around with others. It doesn't matter if someone is gay, straight, orange or yellow. Lusting after others still exist.

The king has spoken

stillgoing wrote on 06 May 2016 05:40:

I guess so. Not sure I heard that in the "tone" of the post but I guess thats one of the imitations of posting. Its hard to hear the "nigun". In any event, EB does have the zchus to find his way like anyone else. I guess he hit a really raw nerve in myself and I think in others ...

Shlomo24 wrote on 06 May 2016 14:30:

This conversation has gotten really deep. I think that I understand EB much better now that he explained some more. His post was not on target but he explained that from the world he is coming from i.e. the lust from which he suffers, it is hard for him to understand why a married guy would have a problem. For us equal opportunity lusters, thats ridiculous. But I hear the "hava amina" from his point. EB -- thanks for clarifying and hatzlacha on your journey. May you find serenty.

Mark, can we get this one up on the "post of the year thread", i can't cross thread quote on my phone.

I want to share something that I found to be helpful with my anxieties surrounding dating: I am very nervous about my future/potential wife's acceptance of me. (Note: I know that fears are irrational, this post is about my emotions, not about logic or ways of dealing). I am nervous that I won't want to do something even though she wants to, that my only motivation will be for her. I thought that it wouldn't be a good motivation because I wouldn't be doing for myself and what I want; I would be letting others come before me. So I talked to my therapist about it and he said that the most important thing about love is evaluating a spouse's desire as equal or greater than one's own. For example: I come home from work exhausted and my wife asks me to take out the garbage. In that situation I might not want to for myself, but I know that she wants me to. He said that in a case like that it is a great thing to evaluate her needs, even though I wouldn't want to do it for myself. This relates to me very much in terms of yiddishkeit. I am very nervous about my level with religion and shidduchim. I thought it would be bad for me if I only woke up for shachris, (at least in the beginning of marriage, I am working on religion), for her and not for me. After my therapist said what he said I felt a surge of relief through my body. It was the best thing he could have possibly said. Still nervous about dating though. Which is normal and healthy.

I think your therapist is one smart cookie.From a marriage perspective, doing something for your wife's sake - even if only for her sake is a great idea. In my understanding it's because the very foundation that marriage is based on is a commitment from each spouse to each other. By doing something only because she wants it, you are showing and strengthening that commitment. (btw, sometimes say only one of the two partners feel the 'draw' (I'm talking about during the marriage - not before it) almost always (maybe always) the one who is enjoying a stronger bond is the one who is more committed to their spouse.

Yeah, that's what he was saying.

Shlomo24 wrote on 09 May 2016 19:33:

Btw, There is also the concept of 'mitoch s'lo lishman, bo lishma.' If we do something good for alternitive reasons, we can come to a level of doing it for the right reasons.

Perhaps there is a distinction between taking out the garbage because your wife wants it done and going to Shacharis because of her. 

The latter is more of a lie, or a cover up.