Last year meaning before January.

ehrliche.bochur wrote on 26 Apr 2016 21:15:

Because it is a holy act and thoughts at that time are important.

Now, what should you do practically? I am not getting involved.

doingtshuva wrote on 26 Apr 2016 21:37:

acting out means by other people. i never did that. it is not difficult to not act out by another person. i do not know anyone have this same problem like me maybe this is why it is easy i do not act out. maybe if i know someone with same problem like me it would be very difficult. but i am not tzadik. many people here do not act out by other people

ehrliche.bochur - I don't really understand your problem, can you please explain me?

Acting out doesn't only mean with another person.
Searching naked women on google images is also called Acting out. No?
No need to say masturbation porn + + all falls under the same category.
Git moed

In addition to my chat not liking, I also despise the private message system. If you are able to email me please do so. I post it in my signature for a reason. It's for people to contact me if they want to.

Hmmmm

k.

So If I want to contact you I do what?

inastruggle wrote on 28 Apr 2016 03:55:

You can text me.

Shlomo24 wrote on 27 Apr 2016 22:07:

Hmmm

That reminds me, b'derech klal I am terrible at chapping when people are messing with me. Especially when it's not face to face. For example, I don't chap how ina was messing with me. Oh well, there are worse things... (Although because of this I only get half of mark's jokes).

I heard you're gonna do the Sefira thing

Counting

1,000 post. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be happy about that. I only posted this because I realized. Oh well. Cool!

Shlomo24 wrote on 02 May 2016 16:03:

WON!
Oh!
OH!
OH!
 (there was a much better emoticon for this on the old editor, oh well)

I have been having a lot of romantic fantasy with women. At the same time, I had a dream today about sex with a man that wasn't entirely lustful, which confuses me because in my brain homosexual thoughts are always lust. I apologize if this is triggering to people, but the last time I acted out with a guy I did feel a strong connection of sorts besides for the lust. Although in SA literature they might call "the connection that had the magic... it bypassed intimacy and true union". I am struggling with these romantic fantasies because I want to get married and I want to to be ready when I am married. Although I am realizing now that God will have me married exactly when I am ready for it, no matter what I think. Which is comforting. I am realizing a lot of fear about marriage, that I am not good enough, that no girl will accept me. This has been posted about before, but it is recurring. I think that one of the reasons why I post this is because I want the sympathy of guys, and that someone will tell me "You're a great guy Shlomo," or "Any girl would be lucky to have you," which my therapist has said. His take is that I'm lacking love and acceptance and that is why I seek it out, he also openly stated that that is the reason why he gives it. I'm feeling a lot of self-pity right now, like I want to give him a hug and have him hold me tight. My mind is rambling now, but I'm going to try to get it all out. Bear with me.

A lot of my fantasies involve non-sexual touches that are loving. Such as me running my hair through a woman's hair, (I used to brush my sister and her friend's hair, it's a long running thing I have). I also fantasize about holding a women in my arms and hugging a woman. I fantasize about the yichud room, although I have no idea what goes on besides for the fact that they don't have sex. Yeah, if you haven't realized, I'm a sex addict. I really want to be intimate with a woman. I don't currently live outside myself, but I want to. I have no idea what love is, but I want it. Maybe I'm a love cripple, but I've never been in a relationship like that to prove it.

Because I'm such a charmer, I want to be "real" with women. And I feel that I have to be a jerk to women to uproot my charming status. However, I'm not a jerk. So sometimes I feel stuck; Am I being Prince Charming or am I being Shlomo?

I also want a wife who can hold her own, to stand up to me. But I'm not sure if that is really what I want. When I was describing what I am looking for to my SIL, (mature, not jaded, job at least in the beginning of marriage, confident in herself but spiritual), she was like, "So you want a mommy?" Which got me thinking that maybe I want that because it's the easy way out. If she can deal with my s@%t then I can go a little bonkers every now and then, I can have my highs and lows. I'm not exactly sure.

Cordnoy: This is very out of character for me, but I would like for you to add feedback, whether privately or publicly, if you have. I really respect you and look up to you, and that is not a compliment to stroke your ego. I apologize to all those that I am not singling out. Except Mark. 

I am also realizing that both my father and mother are incredibly narcissistic, although they have a strange duality to them that they don't seem that way. I think it's why I desire attention so much. I always try to get my mother to appreciate me, but she's like a slot machine: She give me attention just enough that I will come back for more. Like when she commented on some photos I took, which objectively, are beautiful. I still remember from 2+ years ago when she complimented a tie/suit combination. She said, "Shlomo you are the best at picking out ties," or something quite similar. It's part of the reason I spend so much time doing that now, I want to get that compliment again. I haven't gotten it since. 

I didn't know that my post was going to be this long when I started it, but I'm entitled . Which brings up a vulnerability about myself that I back myself up unnecessarily, I never want to come across as weak, unless of course the strong thing would be to be weak, like crying at a funeral. Mayseh shehoyah. Actually happened to me. 

I want to keep this post going because it feels good to let these thoughts out. They have been developing over time and I haven't gone to therapy in a little bit because of Pesach. So you guys are getting the brunt of it .

I am also really nervous about a deadline for a history paper I have, which is not going as well as planned. I am going to give that fear up to God. I got a perfect paper plus extra credit on the midterm, but I might only get a B+ on the paper, which is devastating for a chronic honor roller, (read: perfectionist), like me. 

I also realized, and this is a big one, that what I have been labeling as "dishonest" might actually not be so. In terms of tefillah and tefillin that is what I have been doing, but over Israel I religiously davened a bit more than usual and it wasn't dishonest for the most part. This thought process began when I had a talk with the "Lifeline" from Mishpacha Magazine. I had a bit of my story in one last year called "Escape From Gehinnom." So I'm committing to shachris once I head back to college/yeshivah. I am going to try to anchor it with a chavrusa beforehand and see how it goes. I'll see how hard it is and what my emotions are like. The chavrusa idea has worked before, sometimes for a long time but sometimes not. Regardless, I'll give it a try. I have to make sure to ask for God's help though, that I'm not being selfish. One thing that helped me in my tefillah was what a Avreich/Rebbi told me: I only have to be cognizant of Hashem while davening, I don't need the long, intense, tefillah that I used to daven. It helps me focus on the real things and not get too crazy into it. When I get into it like I used to I tend to burn out. Even though it was sincere before, but I am a different person now and I may never go back to those prayers. My devekus is not limited to shmona esrai anymore, thank God. In the back of my mind, I hope this tefillah experiment goes well, because then a woman will accept me, I won't have religious flaws anymore. This is just myself not accepting me, I am not the woman that I'm going to marry. I also want to take tefillah one day at a time, and not get too crazy about it. Ok that's it.

P.S: I'm so effing honest, right? Another character defect of mine. I try to predict complements. Although maybe it's just not appreciating good feelings about myself. Here we go again... Jk.

Btw, i only click "thank you" to a post after i read the whole thing, and i did.

You know, we're cheaper then your theripist. Mayb you should switch.

All i'm gonna say now to that giant entry is ,Shlomo, you're a'ok.

stillgoing wrote on 02 May 2016 17:23:

A treatment center is where you go and pay $15,000 to find out that S.A. meetings are free