I am very grateful for God for giving me better awareness of how i am feeling. When i feel like garbage, I need to do an inventory! What is going on, Daniel? Why do you feel like garbage, why do you feel stressed? Well usually i am either resentful or afraid of something or someone! And those things are poison to me. Literally poison because they lead right to lust. It may not be today or tomorrow but it will be at somepoint. I need to ask my self Who am i angry at or what am i afraid of and why? Label the fear or resentment. Thats a great start. It really helps me to write it on paper. Get it out of my head. And then sharing with another person really helps break the power over the resentment or fear. And of course i need to pray to God that he take this resentment or fear  because I dont want it anymore. It ruins my life. It hinders my life. 

Its really simple. It really is. Baby steps. 1-2-3

Today i realized that if something isnt going my way, it doesnt mean that the world is ending. It doesnt mean that its a hall pass to yell or scream at someone or go act out. I was angry. Thank God i called somebody and that helped then i decided to figure out exactly what i could do about my situation. However, i still escaped and escaped. No lust thank God, although i did think about it once which means that i was heading on a downhill spiral. So i called someone and ended the self pity. The world isn't ending, Daniel. Lets solve problems like an adult not like a baby and just sulk the whole day. A responsible person doesn't do that. 

I have accepted my situation. Thinking it sucks wont help. It just makes it worse. My life us unmanageable. I am powerless over lust. If i do not deal with my character defects-fear, resentments, worthlessness then i am in trouble real quick. I am grateful to God for this program. If not for the phone calls, or the inventories or acceptance, i would be going to act out right now. Good ol' masturbation to bring some peace and serenity. Instead I will recite the serenity prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I CANNOT CHANGE, the COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN and the wisdom to know the difference. Your will, not mine, be done"

Ps. the acceptance prayer really helps me:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober, unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.” Pg 449 Big Book of AA

Very true, thank you for writing it down. Because a fantasy crept into my head yesterday and i did not know why or how it came, but now that you write this, it is exactly what happened. I was very upset with a coworker of mine who just does mobbing to everyone and yesterday it was my turn so i just yelled back at her. I guess this is where the resentment is coming in. I spoke about it to some people and that helped relieve the tension in my body somewhat.
Thank you

I am allergic to lust. I am allergic to lust. I cant control it. Nope. I want to lust like a gentleman. I want to look at all the pretty women out there. It is so enticing but im allergic. Its like poison to my body. It makes my life completely unmanageable. I yearn for it. I want lust. That is going to fill the hole inside of me, wont it? I have come to believe that no matter how many women I look at or how many times a masturbate it just doesnt fill that God hole. I have learned that nothing can fill that God hole but....God! 

I have to be completely honest with my self. What are my motives? For example, i went running in a park. What was my motive to see very attractive girls in bathing suits and stare and look at them and hope to have sex with them. I am being honest. And sometimes being honest means i need to be descriptive (dont worry i wont be so descriptive on the forum) I called someone before and told them this and then i went running. I ended up finding what i wanted and i felt my body well up with lust. Its a miracle that God kept be sober. I am very grateful. 

Thats one example that i have to be very honest. Another example is i was at SA convention this past weekend (who knew being in a room with 700 sick people (addicts/wives) could be so incredible) and one girl there was single, frum and attractive and i was seeing her everywhere i went (match made in heaven!). I shared to a couple people that i really wanted to marry her. One guy told me that he was speaking to an old timer and the old timer told him that he has to be really honest, what does he really want to do to her? I wasnt ready to admit it but the next day i agreed. I didnt want to marry her! I wanted to see her naked and have sex with her. Thats really what i wanted. 

Rigorous, rigorous self honesty. And its not just about lust. Its about everything i do. What should i really be doing, thinking, acting like right now? What does God want me to do? Thats what i need to think about constantly. And its ok if i dont want to do something, thats fine. I just need to be honest. "I think God wants me to call my sponsor now. But i dont want to, I dont want to call him" Great. So God wants me to call my sponsor and i dont want to. So what do i do know. God, my best thinking gets me into trouble. I dont want to get into trouble. Your will is better. But i dont want to do your will. I am not willing. So what should i do. I should slow down and ask God for the willingness. God, Grant me the willingness to do your will, to call my sponsor. 

So, right now, infront of all of you, I pray to God that to grant me the willingness to do your will. Your will, not mine be done. 

I was at the convention as well. Pls send me an email to gomu2serenity@gmail.com. 

Done a lot of escaping in the past little while. Escaping to me means that i am running away from something, usually a fear, or a resentment. Something thats bothering me. The place where i usually run is to lust. Thank God, I haven't run down that path yet. Key word "yet". All escaping leads, for me to lust. Thats why i have to be careful. Is this what God wants from me now? If it is, great. If its isnt, what does God want from me? Great so God wants me to say-make a phone call. Ok. Am i willing to make the phone call? Do i want to? No, ok so then lets ask God for the willingness to make the phone call, the power to carry out His will. I dont want to do my will. Its doesnt usually end up well. His will is always better. 

And I have to remember that i need to take it one action at a time. What's the next write step? Sure it seems difficult to do God's will every single minute of every single day but thats not what He expects from me. That is my mistaken view of His expectations. He loves me, cares for me. Its me that doesnt care about me. I am the one that thinks I am a piece of garbage. God wants me to be present, focus on what i need to do now. Thinking only in the now.

Your story and life challenge is a real inspiration for me.

Keep up the good work.

Thank God. Doing well. Had a big realization yesterday. I fear a lot. A big part of my fears is fear of other people, in particular what they think of me. A lot of what i do is because what will other people think about me. For example, if i walk out of a classroom in the middle, what is everyone going to think about me or what do people think of that stain on my shirt. 

I realized that I sick other people's approval. And that is a very important part of my self worth. In fact that is my self worth. To feel good, i need to make sure other people are thinking of me positively. 

I realized that I am sick. And this is not healthy. Instead i need to concentrate on how God thinks about me. Then i started thinking well how does God think about me. God loves me and cares for me. He has unconditional love for me. Even if i mess up, his attitude is unchanged. 

This is really how my worth should be based upon. Upon God, not on what other people think. Then I will be comforted and happy. I wont have to be so self conscious or try to make people laugh to uplift my spirit. 

I seemingly have a pretty high bottom. Meaning i havent really done much. I have masturbated, pornography, fantasy. But i havent been to a prostitute, or a strip bar, i havent even had sex before. Yet i call myself a sexaholic. Because it really doesnt matter how much i have done that makes me a sexaholic. Its really a matter of lust and being powerless over it. For me right now, my lust leads be to porn and masturbation. It hasnt yet led me further down the line. But i believe in myself that i could be there. Ive got the potential. 

And a major reason why I am not a low bottom is due to my fear so i fear that as i work on reducing fear (talk about tongue twister) then will be more susceptible to lust. 

In any case, it is very easy for me to trick myself into saying: "Its not that bad" "i havent done that much" and therefore i deny my sexaholism and just carry on with my life or try to scrape myself by with louzy tricks. I accept my self for who i am. And its ok to be a sexaholic. Thats who I am. Thats what i struggle with. No more hiding, no more games. I just need to face truth in the face and get honest. 

dms1234 wrote on 21 Jul 2017 19:54:

Hey dms, I see you're back!

How are you holding up?

Hi everyone,

Wow its been a while. A lot happened since I last came here! I am still sober! Slipped a bit mainly because not doing inventory but thank God i have been in a pretty good place. Going to meetings, listening to my sponsor etc. 

I got engaged! Thank God to an amazing girl. She's really special. I'm really fortunate and excited to start our lives together. We are getting married in about a month. I have to say on our first date i had absolutely not lust! I remember sharing that in a meeting the morning after. I also told her that i was in SA and she is not only ok with it but even happy that i am in the program. 

Trying to live day by day and remember that a key component of recovery is to go from selfishness to selflessness and I think getting married is a great opportunity to work on giving and concerning myself with my wife's needs and wants rather than obsessing about me! 

Its easy for me to try to fix situations, people, things, events or just complain but the only thing i can do is concentrate on me and really move out of the way and let God do the work. Let God into my life. What does He want from me? How does he want me to be? To act? 

Slowly but surely, easy does it, baby steps, one step at a time. 

Great share and MAZEL TOV!!!

Not sure if you noticed but 
DMS's 1234 count has hit 49!

Mazel tov! May Hashem help you build a bayis ne'eman b'yisroel! Wonderful that you were able to find someone so accepting of your being in SA.

Mazel tov!

That is so nice to hear.

Best news all day!

Continued nachas!