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Dms1234's story
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TOPIC: Dms1234's story 72099 Views

Dms1234's story 23 Feb 2013 03:31 #202690

  • dms1234
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I am a recent Baal Tshuvah and college student and this is my story:

I grew up in a small Jewish Community but I was lucky that I had a traditional family, which definitely helped me come back to Torah. As I am a Baal Teshuva I grew up in a society where lusting is normal. In fact it is encouraged.

I was about 9 or 10 when an older friend introduced me to provocative material like porn. However I didn’t start acting out till a few years later. As I went through puberty and a little later started acting out, I became quite socially awkward. My world was a fantasy. Because the secular world's goal, my goal throughout high school, is to receive as much pleasure from girls as possible, and I wasn't able to "get" (lack of a better world) girls, I had to pleasure myself. I was a lost kid with barely any friends and with this troubling addiction.

When I started becoming a religious, a couple of years ago, I really liked the Torah idea of treating woman. My eyes were opened of how society and I objectify women and the Torah moves past this superficiality. This concept definitely pushed me more towards Torah.

Last year, I tried stopping and my longest streak was about three weeks! However I had no resources so I kept acting out. I finally found this website last spring and I was so happy. I was thrilled. However I only subscribed to the chizuk emails, partly laziness but also I was headed to Israel for the summer. I went to Yeshiva (my first real Yeshiva experience) and loved it. I soaked it up and I left Israel I had was clean for about 60 days.

However i didn't fix the problem. I didn't truly break free. I just went to Israel! So the spirituality of course helped me. So after being home for a while and being clean for close to 5 months I had these weird occurrences. I would wake up in the middle of the night and almost fall. Then after a few of these I started falling. I called them subconsciously falling (has any one ever had this happen to them?). Then I started falling consciously regularly. So for the past while, about 4 months i have been falling quite regularly.

Its very hard being a college student as I am constantly around attractive young women. Guarding my eyes is very difficult. Also as I am in a small Jewish community and being one of the only Frum college students in town, I am involved in Kiruv for college and also high school. This is tough as I can’t just hide from women. (not making fun of anyone, rather jealous of people that can do this) So, If anyone has any tips that would definitely be appreciated.

I also I would like to briefly talk about how widespread this problem is. Many of my secular Jewish friends are deeply engrained in this problem. Very deep. Some of them have a hard time believing that people can actually refrain from masturbating. It is just out of their scope as they are in too deep. So GYE keep doing good work and God willing even Secular Jews will resort to this site very soon.

Even though I a member and have subscribed to chizuk emails. I haven’t really used much of the other resources. So lately, I started reading stories and decided to start reading the Big Book for alcoholics. I have not participated in phone conferences or have a sponsor yet. And actually this is my first time posting on the Forum. So I think its about time to start using these incredible resources.

Through my journey I have learned a few strategies. These are some of them:

Get a filter and tie up all loose ends. I don’t usually look at porn but when I’m desperate I do. I put a filter on my computer and my phone. However I didn’t turn off Safari on my phone. Finally I got my Rabbi to restrict it for me. Also I deleted my password for my computer filter. I wouldn't suggest this but it was the easiest solution to get rid of the problem

Find out where you are lax and try to prevent it by "adding something". For example I fall at nights when I am in bed. I have started listening to shiurim when I go to bed (I’m single of course) Disclaimer: you may still fall. This is just an added fence/preventative measure to help you.

Lastly and most importantly, I have been working on the first step (powerlessness) and have had trouble figuring out exactly what I am supposed to do. I think developing an awareness of Hashem like talking to him in your own words has helped. Even saying thank you God that its sunny out or thank you God for this snow. If you keep trying to do this you will develop an awareness of Hashem. Then you are literally bringing him into your life and hopefully the Torah that you learn will seep through your veins.

May HaKadosh Baruch Hu help us in our journeys!

Dms1234
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: Dms1234's story 24 Feb 2013 19:17 #202693

  • ur-a-jew
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Welcome DMS1234 and thanks for sharing your story. Wishing you much hatzlacha in both dealing with the struggle and your journey towards yiddishkeit.
Help free Sholom Rubashkin by giving him the zechus of Shemiras Eiynayim.  www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2809.0

Re: Dms1234's story 25 Feb 2013 17:31 #202700

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Welcome Dms, and thanks for sharing from the heart.

Moish

Re: Dms1234's story 26 Feb 2013 07:58 #202751

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Nice
Keep on working at it
Also maybe you shouldn't do Kiruv right now , from what it sounds like it seems you are putting yourself in
A tough situation for no reason ( obviously Kiruv is important but at the same time your life comes first) why not give yourself time to develop on your own then go out there. R miller used to say yeshiva students are like apples on a tree pluck them off to give to others ( Kiruv, public position) to early there not ripe yet. Get a dumb phone. Get a hobby. Chill out and live life. (Obviously I mean this is a very torahdike way)
Hatzlacha

Re: Dms1234's story 01 Mar 2013 05:46 #202896

  • Avrom
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dms1234 wrote:
I would wake up in the middle of the night and almost fall. Then after a few of these I started falling. I called them subconsciously falling (has any one ever had this happen to them?)

For example I fall at nights when I am in bed. I have started listening to shiurim when I go to bed (I’m single of course) Disclaimer: you may still fall. This is just an added fence/preventative measure to help you.
Dms1234


Hi dms

First of all you should know you're not the alone. It happens to me after especially after I'm clean for many days.
But second and most importantly: I was recently by a shiur of R' Tzvi Meir Silberberg. He quoted a sefer saying "if go to sleep thinking of torah, and then something happens at night it is a real oness " Meaning if you go to sleep with torah - as you do by listening to your shiur. But still you acted out with no intention, it is considered a "oness!" If someone put a gun to to your head and force you, its called Oness, and you wouldn't feel guilty about it.
I know if feels horrible but don't beat yourself up about those subconscious falls. It only makes things worse, by having negative feeling and that leeds to real falls. Its probably a tactic of the yetzer hora. When he sees that all other options wont work he tries to get us down with this. Don't let him!


Thanks for sharing
Avrom

Re: Dms1234's story 30 Apr 2013 09:46 #206224

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Hi Dms1234,

How have you been?

Keep on posting!

--Elyah

Re: Dms1234's story 04 May 2013 05:04 #206604

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I'm done. No more silly games or funny business. No more counting days or neders. I'm done.


I live with my parents who each have tv's, computers. I even have my own computer and Iphone I constantly see girls everywhere, especially as I am in college. Porn is not for me (even though i have recently fallen from it.) but sexual fantasies are. In high school i used to make up stories in my mind with girls I saw. This is how i fall. My mind is in a constant disarray. I have trained myself to think like this. Every girl i see, i use. I don't love them, respect them, care about them. All I want is pleasure. And I am a master. I love me. I am selfish and oblivious. All i want is lust. Deep down I have discovered that all we want in life is to be loved. And I am a master at giving myself love. All I ever think about is me. I don't like to think of as this. In my eyes I am a Tzadik. I love everybody.

But truly, I'm an addict. A broken down, beaten down self-absorbed addict. I mevater. I give up. I admit. I am an addict and I am but dust and ashes. But I will never give up. I will never back done. But nor will I fight. Fighting is not the way to peace. Peace is. I must make peace with my Yetzer. Surrender. How? I have no idea.

I have been given a twisted gift. I have the opportunity to achieve what thousands of Jews are attempting by learning Gemara, praying etc. All Jews strive to do Hashem's will. He has given me the honour another way. I can do His will, truly surrendering my self to His will, by doing just that surrendering. Surrender all of my perceived control and recognizing that He is with me and He wants the best for me.

This is my goal. Not to make it to 90 days. Not to make it to 365 days. But to surrender my will to His.
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: Dms1234's story 05 May 2013 02:59 #206605

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dms1234 wrote:
I'm done. No more silly games or funny business. No more counting days or neders. I'm done.

This is my goal. Not to make it to 90 days. Not to make it to 365 days. But to surrender my will to His.


Such a healthy attitude.

All I can say is that I truly admire your commitment even in difficult circumstances and your willingness and ability to change. Hashem can see that you really want to grow and He will help you.

Re: Dms1234's story 06 May 2013 09:19 #206691

  • Eye.nonymous
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Hi dms1234,

Good to see you, and good to see you're taking this so seriously.

Just wondering, have you started reading the GYE handbook?

It's great to have the main focus, "To surrender my will to His," but practically speaking, it takes a lot of practical tools in order to achieve that. Otherwise, it's sort of like doing Yiddishkeit without any of the mitzvahs.

Hatzlacha,

Elyah

Re: Dms1234's story 06 May 2013 20:27 #206711

  • gibbor120
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Hi DMS and WELCOME!

Re: Dms1234's story 11 Jun 2013 04:52 #208810

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The past month (since I posted last) has been a rollercoaster ride. I starting reading the handbooks but eventually I stopped. I was doing well but i stopped trying to improve. So i fell. But whenever I fell I didn’t despair. I just moved on and started fresh. I think this is big improvement. I have tried to focus on living life and connecting with Hashem instead of trying not to fall.

But, throughout the past month, I watched way too much TV. As I have said in previous posts, my parents’ houses both have TV’s that I can watch whenever I wish. I believe this is triggering me to fall. Does anyone have any suggestions on how i can deal with this?

I was listening a shiur today by Rabbi Becher and I believe it would be beneficial to share one of his points. Rabbi Becher was talking about the reasons why people are coming to Judaism and why some are dropping out. One of the reasons he states is because some Jews are living “cultural” Judaism. They eat cholent, wear a black hat and daven 3 times a day. But their relationship with Hashem is non-existent. Rabbi Becher quoted the Rambam who said the reason we the have the Mitzvos it to increase our relationship with Hakadosh Barech hu. Here at GYE we must concentrate on this exact point. Instead of trying not to fall we must connect with the Hashem and build our relationship with Him.

These past few days, I have tried accepting this addiction. Whenever I have fantasies I have said "this is natural to have these feelings but I want a relationship with Hashem and I want to connect with Him and this isnt the means of doing so."
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: Dms1234's story 11 Jun 2013 07:49 #208814

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I just graduated from a public high school, I experienced the exact same thing with pressure about "getting girls". Baruch Hashem, I chose to go to YU next year, because i'd had enough of putting myself in a tough situation, and I also wanted to learn.

one thing to think about is that lust is perhaps only a symptom of a greater need--for me, that was social acceptance. TV idms a form of escaping from reality.

id recommend reading some of the posts on the forum, even if you don't necessarily reply.

good luck! keep us posted.

--Robert (thread is part of "tcholent for the soul")
Last Edit: 11 Jun 2013 07:50 by Chachaman.

Re: Dms1234's story 11 Jun 2013 18:46 #208881

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dms1234 wrote:
But, throughout the past month, I watched way too much TV. As I have said in previous posts, my parents’ houses both have TV’s that I can watch whenever I wish. I believe this is triggering me to fall. Does anyone have any suggestions on how i can deal with this?

Don't watch TV .

Really, find something else to do. Read a book, excercise, call a friend... Fill your time with productive activities.

Re: Dms1234's story 21 Jun 2013 07:26 #209939

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I have no idea what to do anymore (dont worry this isnt despair). The past little while I have tried to change my attitude and I can definetly see improvement but i keep getting caught in the slump (you know 3 days good, 1 day bad, 5 days good, 1 day bad...) This whole illness seems so theoretical. It's hard to put principles to actions to actually change my life. I admit I haven't done too much besides the chizuk emails; been sketchy on the handbook and the forum but I have been talking to God more. I see Him in my life a little more. I feel lost. I am trapped and I can't get out. It's very frustrating as when I feel I am making progress, I suddenly fall back. It could come back to a Rocky foundation or perhaps I am finally ready for the 12 steps, maybe a sponsor, a therapist.

On another not I did some soul searching (don't worry I found my soul) I think this illness relates back to my need for Kavod. My whole life this is what I have always seeked. maybe not Kavod as in I'm powerfull, but that I seek love, some attention. Perhaps i didnt get enough when i was younger or cause i was bullied a little. All i know is I have this whole in side of me and I have to fill it with something right? So I fill it with lust. I know a lot of people are dealing with this, what should i do. Maybe I should look elsewhere to other people and do some chesed? Please please any suggestions would be greatly appreciated
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: Dms1234's story 21 Jun 2013 18:59 #209972

  • gibbor120
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Why don't you join a 12 step phone call and see how it goes?
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