Dov, I must give you hakoras hatov.  It was your posts two years ago that helped me understand what it meant to "turn our will and our lives over...."  You helped me implement this by realizing I wasn't fighting any more, I was turning over the battle to Hashem.  This took time to internalize and implement, and I incorporated the words into my little tfilla.  I would not have succeeded had I not had your insights at that critical juncture.  Yakov_schwrtz was also a wonderful influence and gave me much chizuk.

In the final analysis, I used most of the 12 steps in my recovery, but on my own, in my own fashion.

In terms of motivation for giving up lusting, I had several.
    I wanted to appreciate the beauty of the world around me, and for an addict, the only beauty I could really appreciate was the prohibited kind.
    I had graphic intrusive thoughts that were just obviously sick, and I wanted to be rid of them.
    I felt that my habit was a complete lack of hakoras hatov for my healthy body, my wife, children, home, bed, etc.
    I felt that looking at forbidden websites was partaking of the seudah of Achashveirosh, and bringing destruction to Klal Yisroel.

I can now appreciate the beauty of the world around me, find joy in so many pleasurable activities, and feel a new connection to the Boreh which continues to grow.

One of my strongest motivators not to relapse is that it was soooo difficult to overcome this habit, that I simply don't ever want to go through it again -- not the habit and not the painful, energy-robbing fight.  So I'm just not going to take that drink.

So, thank you once again to all the GYE's who have helped me in my recovery.  May you be blessed with sobriety and more.

chazak v'ematz
your post are very inspiring
i am now a year since internet sites
with occasional lapses - a few seconds or a minute before I decide
not wortwhile!
but then thoughts/fantasies are still lurking much better but still there
the pathways in the brain are well travelled years of shmutz put
much fuel for the y'h and whem I am tired/bored they appear
there is no alternative then torah and tefilah these are our best tools
I am doing nesivas on shovevim and need to memorize it!
constatly reminding myself who I am and why i'm here
there is no ONE derech to deal with this addiction-
but it must be with a yearning for emmes and to be close to hashem!!

gevurah wrote on 13 Apr 2011 12:50:


man i have the same problem! (they not only appear by them self, cause when im bored i do whatever needed not to be bored וד"ל.... )

When the thoughts/fantasies come, I repeat my tfila (detailed in the very first post).  It is somewhat of a recap of the first few (of the 12) steps.  But I find, the less I look at women, the less the thoughts show up.  They are well-worn brain pathways, but I believe they are largely triggered by looking at women, whether live or in pictures.  And there are pictures EVERYWHERE.  The triggering may not be immediate.  One can look at a woman, and then, some time later, an inappropriate thought comes.

Regarding drifting over to inappropriate web pages, I have learned to get off the internet when I'm done doing what I got on for.  I don't linger and say "hmmm, what else can I surf before I get off."  The internet in general is somewhat numbing, and it takes motivation to get away from the computer and back into real life, so it's natural to want to just sit there a little longer with nothing in particular left to do.  Obviously dangerous for us.  Finished? Get off!

Wow what a great thread! I'm so glad the AE posted on a thread recently and that Cords mentioned how special he is, because it got me to read this thread. Once I read it, I had to comment and bump it up for others. Personally I don't think any of us should add our 2 cents to this thread, because the comments here already say it all .

I wonder what happened to laagvokeles? Is he still here? Under another name? I hope he found recovery. He was suffering for many years, but unwilling to do the work to get better.

Btw, if you search for laagvokeles you will see some great comments from Dov and others.

Hi AE,
I am so inspired by you and your successes. I cried real tears when I read your other forum about how your wife was impacted.
My friend, our friend Gibbor told me how inspiring you are to him.I daven that your life should be wonderful and you should have only success in everything that you do.

Yossi, Pls paste a link to the other thread or bump it up, Ty.

alexeliezer wrote on 11 Apr 2011 19:37:

YES we all owe Dov Hakaras hatov, and I also wanted to note my appreciation to you Alex for coming back recently on board and sharing your views!!


KOAT
Keep on Alex style TRUCKING!!!

It doesn't allow me to quote the first post. Perhaps because I so distant from these lofty ways. The post, however, would probably be helpful for some of the fellows.

Yes, the quote button seems to be broken.Here is the OP.Although this is my first post, I have benefitted from the GYE community for the past 2 years.  My purpose in writing is to share with my brothers what worked for me in the hope of helping.  I was lost in a very severe lust addiction for 30 years, starting pretty much from puberty.  Gazing (live and in pics), fantasy, intrusive thoughts, obsession with various fetishes, self-pleasure.  Numerous cycles of teshuva every Elul invariably ended in relapse soon after Succos. 

All this while raising a frum family, learning Gemorra daily, listening to hashkafa tapes and attending shiurim. 

It was only when I discovered GYE that I learned for the first time that I was an addict.  I read voraciously and subscribed to both emails.  I gained tremendous chizuk (encouragement) from those who told their stories on this forum.  I made a commitment not to look at women (other than my wife) and still believe that this is the most important key to success.  This is not easy. I love to look at women, and work with many young women at my job.  I pinched my inner thigh if I caught myself looking, and in the beginning my thigh was quite bruised.  Eventually, it got easier. 

When intrusive thoughts (images, fantasies) entered my mind, I recited the following: "Ribbono Shel Olam I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.  Only you can restore me to sanity. I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust.  I only want you and a relationship with you."  In the beginning, I probably said this dozens of times in a day.  Now it's maybe once a month. 

I worked on not lusting after my wife except when we were in the bedroom.  I've gotten much better at this.  This too is an important step for married men.  The yetzer (evil impulse) tells us this type of lust is ok.  [Late edit: since being on this forum, I learned that even lust [i]in the bedroom [/i] isn't healthy either.  Rather, the goal is healthy sexual attraction and interaction, utilized to bring us closer.] 

This was right around Rosh Chodesh Nisan 2 years ago.  I was then given a recording of a shiur about the hidden power of the Pesach Seder to overcome any yetzer hora (evil impulse or trait). I recommend downloading it from www.Jerusalempulseradio.com well before Pesach and listening to it twice so you can prepare properly and get the most out of this incredible power of the first Seder night. The title is "Higher order of the Seder." The speaker is Rabbi Yaakov Labinsky of Aish Hatorah.  He explains how to use the four languages of redemption and the four cups of wine to free yourself from the bondage (avdus) of the yetzer hora to a new level of freedom (cheirus)*.  It worked a miracle for me.  I have had NO RELAPSES in the following 2 years.  After a couple of months I unsubscribed to the emails and have, for the first time, assumed a normal life.  My connection with Hashem continues to grow immensely, my learning is going much better, my home is more peaceful.  For the first time since childhood, I am alive and well. 

I am now ending the selfishness of not sharing my story and not helping others suffering with this addiction.  To be honest, I did not feel qualified to help because I did not follow the whole 12-step program.  I also wanted to move on and not get dragged back in.  My approach worked for me.  No approach works for everyone.  If I can help one person, that would be a success.  I will monitor this thread, and I can be reached by email if there's anything I can do. 

*I've posted a synopsis of the shiur here: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3750.0

cordnoy wrote on 14 Jun 2017 01:37:

But this quote worked. Maybe that post was too old and archived or something...

eslaasos wrote on 14 Jun 2017 15:39:

First post on a many threads have this issue
When they are edited too many times the system gets maxed out...

Does anyone on here even know what "lust" actually means? Sounds like a non-Jewish word if you ask me. We should want to have sex with our wives just like we want to eat food. Nothing wrong with hunger and nothing wrong with a healthy desire to have sex. Just has to be directed towards our wife. Of course, someone can have some form of sterile sex thinking about their taxes if that's what floats their boat but probably better to start learning how to enjoy sexual pleasure in a healthy way than becoming a sexual anorexic in response to years of abusing our bris. It's ok to be a human, and maybe not ok to try to not be one.

workingmyprogram wrote on 15 Jun 2017 00:52:

And the more we think about them, the better!

workingmyprogram wrote on 15 Jun 2017 00:52:

The Hebrew SA call it Ta'ava.
Does that make more sense for you?
Can you see the difference between having a loving relationship with your wife that revolves around giving whatever it is she needs to her vs fulfilling your taavos with her?