Do you mean me? No I am not in the parsha

So why do you call it a bug?

Day 2: 613, Markz you are so right. There is something that lead to the compulsion. Things are usually great and quiet. I have learned to have alot less drama in my life, to be calmer, happier and more satisfied. But recently my job has been getting to me. I am feeling judged by my peers in a negative way. Since I was a child I have been battling perfectionism on a scale that you wouldnt believe. I expect myself to be perfect beyond reproach. Any sense of failure, even the smallest, is devastating for me. I have been working on appreciating just being a normal person who is great at some things, mediocre at others and downright stinks at others, but I am not there yet. Feeling judged [probably partially correct and partially incorrect] by others is one of those things that just feels too hard to bear. I can't stand the thought that I imagine that people are saying, "Simcha just doesn't get it. He doesn't use the opportunities that we gave him in an effective way." Again there is a kernel of truth. As I am clean for longer - especially now that I am also not watching TV, I see that I have spent times in a cloud that I could have been more effective in other areas. But its a bitter pill to swallow, to realize all that I could have done but didn't because of this d issue, and the hopelessness in wondering if even now I can change the sense of the people around me. 

Sorry for rambling. Each day has its tests, and today is going to be a tough one for me on many fronts. I am committed to staying clean and I rejoice in the friendships that I have here.

markz wrote on 10 May 2016 12:02:

Thanks for pointing that out.  I didn't mean to minimize it. And thanks RS for the refreshing honesty

 

Day 3: Such a hard day. Extremely exhausted from a very very late night. [Nothing bad, just working...]. A huge financial blow today. Embarrassed to ask friends for help. Feeling low, overwhelmed, like I cant get it together. Lots of things falling on me at the same time. A perfect storm. Then I saw Yesod's line about G-d: "Maybe He is visible and I am blind." How true. He knows what He is doing. Why this is happening to me. What the point of the constant struggle is. I am just blind. But I can see through my blindness by holding onto Him and letting Him lead the way. There a little [ok ... just a teeny tiny little] better.

May Hashem open your eyes, and send you Hatzlacha too.

realsimcha wrote on 11 May 2016 15:11:

So sorry to hear, man that sounds rough

Day 4: Its amazing. Much better day. Nothing changed on the outside. Still struggling with all the things that I mentioned before. But doing better today. Why? Don't know. Because Hashem made it easier today. And I am taking advantage to make it a real sober healthy day. Despite the tremendous issues that I have to deal with this week from parnassha to health to family. 

Btw, I am still holding strong with the no TV or movies. It is life changing and difficult. No Chiddushim there

realsimcha wrote on 22 Feb 2016 18:13:

I responded to this before, but based upon an email I sent yesterday morning, i'd like to add one point: There may be some on this site who simply need chizuk, and there probably are, and for them, chizuk should be given. Then there are fellows like myself. Chizuk of course is good for all, but that was not what was needed. I didn't need a pat on the back and a "ra-ra" speech, "Hey Cords, you can do it!" What I needed and need is a new mindset, a change from the past. Defrag. Reboot. And like the "machine," the memory gets wiped at the end of every day. When we awake the next mornin', our cells and DNA and whatever wake up as well. We need to make sure we start the day with a "Modeh ani lefanecha" - "Modeh" - a confession that we indeed are powerless, an "ani" that we are ready, and a "lefanecha" that He can and will remove our defects. We (talkin' about myself and whoever else feels that way) are powerless, but we are not helpless.

To be cont.

Day 5: Cords, I do think that I will have to reevaluate everything you have written on the topic based on those emails. Thanks. I will read, think, and share. Today is a continuation of a stressful week. I am sure that in times past, days like today would be almost a mitzvah - but certainly a right - to mess up. I am grateful for Hashems help today. I have hinted to this in the past. I have somewhat of a tendency to be a little hot-headed. It comes from being turned off from people that dont say it like it is and who bend and twist so as not to deal with a topic head on. But I have gone a little too far. Looking back I see that people have been successful in sparking my hotheadedness and that this is rarely the way to go. Over the past few months I have been working hard on being more gentle. This involves a few things:
1. Seeing the good in people and assuming the good.
2. Staying out of politics and lashon hara. Not worrying about missing out on whats going on.
3. Not being such a baal Sheeta that I act like an idiot. Not all my sheetos need to be broadcast always. [sorry for the weird spelling on sheetos but the program thinks the more conventional spelling is a bad word :) ]
4. Just staying focused on what I need to do, and letting Hashem control His world.
Somehow this has been helped by sobriety and it has been helping sobriety. 
Wishing you all an amazing Shabbos

Day 6: Oh. My. Goodness. I just spent some quality time on the phone with Cords. I never thought I would do anything like that and outside of my immediate support system [i.e. wife, therapist...] I never spoke about my problem with anyone. Anyone. I feel that wall that separates the disparate parts of myself coming down. It feels like the Berlin Wall is falling. I don't know how to say thank you. All I can do is use the chizuk properly - stay sober for today - and try to reach out to help others when that opportunity arises. 

Still struggling to stay off TV. I miss the mind numbing. Ok let me be honest ... I miss all the fun! But I do see the difference in myself. And I am grateful for the chizuk I received here to go for it. I think I am becoming a news junkie instead. I hope I didn't trade for something just as bad. 

Anyways, tired and overwhelmed tonight so I'll sign off for tonight.

Day 7: I've seen talk here and there about defining exactly where a slip ends and a fall starts. Just reminding myself -- [cause of something that came up when searching the news] -- that if I am asking myself that question then something is going on that shouldn't be. All answers aside -- is it a slip? Is it a fall? etc. etc. -- [and thankfully neither for today] -- this is my biggest red flag that my mindset is off: That I am wondering if "this" constituted a fall or a slip. The question is an answer to me: Stop what you are doing!

realsimcha wrote on 15 May 2016 17:00:

I can almost promise you that in the very near future, you will not be askin' yourself that question: is it a slip or a fall? Not because you won't click, but rather, even if you did, it will make no difference to you whatsoever what the previous minute was "called."

Feels like giving up a pacifier. Probably the right thing but not sure I am ready for that.

Happy belated 90 days RS... Followed up on your thread mostly. Inspired as always.