This is really hard for me. I feel nervous and uncomfortable as I am posting this . I have been struggling for over twelve years. Twelve nightmarish long years. Some have been better and some have been worse. All have been painful. I have never reached out like this before. Its really hard for me, as I always convinced myself that I can do this alone. I was wrong. I hope that I can get what it seems like others on this website have. Strength. Simcha. Clarity. I don't have any more strength for this addiction, and I want to face the world around me with simcha and without feeling embarassed. Can you help?

Dear  realsimcha,

You will not be alone any longer!!

Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information…

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

Rising Up

realsimcha,

Good for you!

Congratulations for reaching out, despite the difficulty.

Keeping us in isolation is one of the YH's dirtiest tricks.

Keep on coming back,

E. ben Durdayah

Thanks Rising Up and Ben Durdaya. Your chizuk means the world.

Today is DAY 2. There have been so many Day 2's before! But this one feels different because I am sharing it with friends. My joining GYE has been on my mind all shabbos long. It was a really big deal for me to realize and admit that I need this and that only with the chizuk and guidance of people who know what its all about can I accomplish my goal.

My goal. A life without secrets. Without lies. Without guilt. A life with true inner joy.

I hope I am at the beggining of that journey. I hope that one day I can look back at this day as a turning point; a new start.


So, what do I do when the anxiety hits? In the past I have been able to prevent falling by engaging in other addictive behavior [downloading TV shows for example] that while its not as bad, I feel its just trading one addiction for another. How do I respond to the anxiety with zoning out?

    Everyone on these pages is struggling with something, so don't give up on yourself. I am new to this website as well. At times I feel very far from a cure, but I always try to check in a few times a day and glean support. Knowing that there are ALWAYS people here who care and are willing to add their 2 cents is part of my recovery.
    You already took the hardest step, realizing you can't do this yourself. That was the hardest for me. My wife is encouraged by my seeking help. It is my problem and I will deal with it but a supportive spouse is a big plus. Let's hear from you again. Don't be afraid to reach out. We are all in this together!

realsimcha wrote on 13 Mar 2011 01:21:


Complex and Simple:

Talk to Tatty, talk to Tatty, and talk to Tatty.

Find a new relationship with him through your struggle.

May Hashem be with you (He will! I'm sure).

KOT!

E

realsimcha wrote on 11 Mar 2011 20:07:

Do you feel uncomfortable? Thats ok. The problem would be if you DIDNT find anything strange about not being the best Jew that you can be! The first step is always the hardest. But it gives us the strength to move on to the second. And the third.

Pischu li pesach k'chuto shel machat - and hashem promisses to do the rest.

SWEETHEART
WELCOME TO THE FORUM WHERE THERE ARE 1200 ppl here just like you

your'e right, your'e no longer alone,your'e in a community

i ahve too much to share, no time now

anxiety is my middle name
also charley

anyways, you need a little taylor and janitor to identify with your anxiety, always come to uncle tzaddk90
right now, as a matter of fact, i feel as if hungry dingos are intensely eating my brain for dinner

before i came here, id panic, and either go lust binging, or drinking, or taking all these funny anxiety pills

here, i learned a lotta cool things

like how i DONT have to act on an impulse just because i have one

or like how i am learning to live a happier and more fulfilling life, uprooting the very reasons and stressors that want me to act out

most importantly, i am now dealing with my struggles in a systematic way and sharing it with other weirdos
post again and again

share your struggles (w/o triggering words...) and wisdom and despair!


yours truly,
tzaddik anxiety charley 90

Thanks to all of you who have been posting and rooting for me as I get through day three. I shouldn't really say "get through" the truth is that tody has been different, I woke up feeling clear and alert and had more energy today then I have had in a long time.

Tzadik90 your words shook me. Just let it be ok that I am anxious. Just let my heart beat out of my chest. Just let my hands shake and feel clammy. Just let my voice quiver and have peope ask me "are you ok? Is everything alright?" I know its what has to be done, and I feel better just seeing you post how the anxiety is crawling all over you too, but I always feel that I have  a breaking point and when I get to that point, I start saying to myself, "Its just a matter of time... I can fight this now, but I know how this will end..." I hope I am not being difficult, I am just throwing out there stuff that has been on my mind for years...

You guys are the greatest. Thanks for your support.

fall, shmall.

it still takes 3 days for your head to clear of all the chemical toxins you put in there.

Clarity. Freedom.

Now, thats living !

realsimcha wrote on 14 Mar 2011 03:09:
.  No such thing here.

Anxiety.  Funny, me and tsaddik90 have the same middle name ;D

There is only one remedy I've ever found that works. There is only one place I feel really really safe.  It's under His Wing.  Posting and meetings and partners and chesed and all the wonderful things we do to help and be helped are absolute necessities to live the derech. But life is not about being clean.  Being clean is so we can live a life.

For me it kinda works like this.  When I feel the anxiety, the first thing I think of is, "When did I eat last?  Am I ticked off at somebody? Am I lonely?  Am I tired?  (HALT).  If all that checks out ok, then I have to have a talk with Him.  And by "have to", I mean if I don't take the time, I know I'll know no peace. I'll walk around caught up in my own self-centeredness, living "it's all about my anxiety".  Gotta get some peace.  I can't find it anyplace else.  Lot's of people have all different ways they handle their anxiety.  This is what works for me.

"Abba, Abba I'm freaking out.  I can't stand this.  It's so unbelievably scary.  Please bring me in close."

Then I usually realize that there's only a few things I really want in life for myself, selfishly.  My children's health and happiness.  And for me personally, Hashem's peace.  I just can't live without it.

Otherwise I go crazy.  Literally.  (think T'hillim).  Abba Abba.

But, alas, I'm a pervert.  I prove that to myself every day, just taking a walk. 

But then I really am sick of throwing up all over myself.  I'm sure of that.

And there's the whole thing in a nutshell for me--I'm sure I don't want to throw up all over myself anymore. I'm sure.  For today.  I've had the krap beaten out of me enough that I've thrown in the towel.  I'm sure...For today.

I love Hashem like a baby, like a bestest bestest friend, like a father.  I love Him when He corrects me, when He pushes me beyond what I think are my limits.  I love him that He always always always is there for me.  To explain things, to help me understand.  To calm me.  To bring me His peace.  Today.  Just for today.

And still I'm an addict.  Thank God.

So often I can't quite make that turn to Him.  But the computer chair is an old friend.  And since I have a filter on my computer, I might as well go to GYE.  Or I can call a friend who knows all my dirty little secrets, and reminds me, and listens, and laughs with me.

The kindness of strangers is also not to be undervalued.  My sister told me today that two people at the homeless shelter she works at smiled at her and said, "Hey.  How ya doin?".  She said it was a beautiful thing.

Do the work. There's a thousand guys here who will help you do it.

The reward is a life, a real life, with real people.  Walking with "H.  Some days, some times more than others.

Hatzlacha. 

DovInIsrael: THREE DAYS??? THATS IT???? Feels to me like it will take years

1daat that was great thanks. I try to reach out to Hashem...but sometimes He just feels so far away... I know He is there but I feel like there is a brick wall seperating us... I will keep at it. I guess I've managed to connect with all of you despite many mechitzos!!

Yesterday was DAY 4 for me. I find that I need to keep my head out of that place that starts the whirlwind downwards. Its like a tornado: Once I am in the middle of it, its really hard not to get swept along, but if I can just stay out of the neighborhood of the tornado... then I can feel some peace.

Is my mind playing tricks on me? My worst times are always when I am not feeling ok physically. Why why why does my DAY 4 have to be a day of not feeling well? What was wrong? Nothing. Just not feling right. Sore throat. Achy. Its like I am being played with: "You think you are clean? Take this!!!!"

My solution? Instead of who-knows-what [I guess you all do!!!!] I had a bowl of my wifes chicken soup (I know it sounds cliche but there you have it) got into bed the same time as my kids [we all had bed time together] and before I knew it it was the morning [now you know why I am posting so early...] I feel better now.

Lots of questions today. Can anyone help me with this: I've read all about "one day at a time" and I get it. But I also find myself thinking countless times a day, "At this time next week I will be up to 12 days. By Purim I will be up to __ days, By pesach I will be up to __ days. When will be a year? etc etc etc." Like a man obsessed. Is this normal? Is it unhealthy? How do I stop from geting ahead of myself. I also feel frustrated like I wish I can just turn the 5 into 15 into 55 into 550... I am inpatient with where I am. I know how silly it sounds because we never know what tommorow will bring...

realsimcha wrote on 15 Mar 2011 12:13:


@realsimcha: I find my self making the exact same cheshbonos. For me it gets even worse. Here is how:
If I've managed X days, I start getting depressed. After X - comes Y. And I havnt done Y days in forever. And even if (chas v'shalom!) I do hit Y, I will then be headed toward Z. Now - I've never, ever hit Z. Its "not even posible" for me to hit Z! (now, watch how the YH wraps this all up. Get out your bigest gemara thumb)
Being that I cant possibly make it to Z, I will "have to" fall. Truth be told, I may not even make it to Y! U'memela I will be falling some time soon. Can there be a time better than the present??!!

Then the depression hits and we all know where that leads to.

But here is something that I realized recently: I DONT NEED TO GET TO Y DAYS. I surely dont need to get to Z. No sir. That is not the goal. The goal is to be clean TODAY. Just to day, only today and no other time other than today. I dose not matter if I make it to Y or not! My goal is not to make it to Y, my goal is to be clean TODAY.

Of course, tomorrow I will be making the same cheshbon again. But I will try to remember that X, Y and Z are just days on the calendar. Yes, I want to be "there already. But will it accomplish anything? No (other than bragging rights and a place on "the wall").

So - while counting is fun, dont let it distract you. Yes, it can be used as a tool of encouragement, but it can aslo be distractive. Unless you know how many days are left to your life, you dont really know how close/far you are from staying clean indefinitely anyway.

Take pride in the small step, one day at a time. Yes, its "normal" to be counting, so dont eat your self up for doing it. But dont lose focus either!

hey simcha -

you are doing great hang in there.

ok - as I understand it, its like this...

we avoid being in the present.. because we either:

1. run away from the pain of our past
2. run away from our fears of the future

best thing to do, is focus on the 3-seconds in front of you, live in the Present. THIS is an incredible gift, an incredible PRESENT!

leave the rest to the Creator.

dov.ii

Great questions. It's really just practice.  "What's in front of me right now..."  No different then davening.  Come back to the page.  Over and over.
KUTGW