shmirashachaim wrote on 08 Apr 2016 02:40:

Day 59: Shmira, you were right to be concerned. Not because I fell. Baruch Hashem and thanks to His kindness, I am still standing strong. The reason that you were right to be concerned is because I almost forgot to post today. I told myself a while ago that the day that I forget to post is the red flag that a slippery slope has begun. Because forgetting means that I am deluding myself into thinking that I am a regular guy who doesnt need to take stock of his situation every day. [I often wonder how many "normal guys" there are out there. Truth is, who cares.] Now, its 11:35 pm and I am sitting down to post. So I am taking this moment to remind myself that not long ago I wasnt able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling sick. I was ashamed of what I was becoming. Now I feel confident and clear minded. I have a gift that I was only able to dream of. A gift that I am not willing to let go of. No matter what. This is too important for me. Thanks for listening ... and for being there.

Day 60: In another thread there has been alot of talk about if addiciton is the yetzer hara described by chazal etc. and to a large degree it really doesnt matter. But I've been thinking about Teshuva. All the time that I was acting out the concept of Teshuva just made it worse. I told myself to treat this clinically in my mind and not to worry about tshuva. tshuva, I told myself, is developing the tools to bring this situation under control with Hashems help and intervention. Now, 60 days clean, I feel a little but like saying sorry to Hashem. I feel like its a good time to look back and to recognize the damage that I did to my spirituality and the mess I made of myself. Does this mean I will be perfect forever? I don't know [Cords wrote a while back that he just doesnt think about that. He thinks about today.] But for now I feel like putting it on the table. And that got me wondering. Is there a place in the 12 steps for making amends TO our higher power? I know that there is a step of admitting our defects to God, but what about saying "I am so so so sorry for what I've done..."?

R Simcha

Ive also been thinking this now that I put a few days between lust, let me know what you find pls

Have you seen what Rav Shmuel Wosner z'l said - For addiction its enough the tremendous effort and accomplishment of getting over the addiction!

The link is available in the Free Towing tool box here (part B #4)

If you haven't read it, is worth a read!!

The 12 steps is about making amends to whoever we have wronged.

Hi RS,

Hear you loud and clear,  i identify with the idea that tshuva myself now means to do what it takes to stay sober and do what's right. 
I am in some ways afraid to go back to typical tshuva, done that 1000 times.  I feel like it reintroduces in my mind the concept that the problem is in the past. I'd rather pass on tshuva on stay clean.

However this started me thinking,  and i realize that tshuva is extremely important,  just like you said,  making amends to our higher power,  and as cords pointed out the higher power can be one of the anyone's on our list,
Maybe it's time to rethink how tshuva should be expressed,  and how it might fit the bill.

Maybe i should say to hashem, "gd I'm sorry that i let this get the better of me,  i wish i would of addressed it sooner,  im not sure what the future holds,  that's in your hands if i let you,  so forgive me and help me continue on the right path to better serve you and do what is right in your eyes"

 

cordnoy wrote on 08 Apr 2016 13:41:

I imagine so. Just interested to know if its mentioned that way in the 12 step literature.

markz wrote on 08 Apr 2016 12:47:

Thanks. Its really something.

Yesod wrote on 08 Apr 2016 17:29:

Just continuing our train of thought. Perhaps we would need to understand what we are making amends for. If I steal from someone to feed my addiction then I understand very clearly the amends that I need to make. But if I did something wrong in Hashems eyes, did i hurt him? Is there something to make amends for? Or is it just that I hurt myself and Hashem told me not to? Maybe I have to make amends for the fact that I disappointed him? Can you share your thoughts?

Day 61: Not feeling super prolific tonight. Just want to check in. It was a great Shabbos but I am feeling drained now in every way. Which means I better get to sleep soon. I read all the recent posts. Lots of good stuff. Learning alot from you chevra. Thanks for sharing even when I am being sleepy ....

Get a night sleep.. always here for you

realsimcha wrote on 10 Apr 2016 02:58:

In my own opinion, I don't believe it is possible to hurt God. I also believe that God guides us with instruction to live the ultimate life in this world and the next and whatever he commands is for the best for us.

Day 62: You know what I don't miss? I don't miss playing with my mind. Messing up, then trying desperately to tell myself something that will ease the pain, that will not expose me to myself as lowlife #1. The self-speeches can go on many tracks, sometimes at the same time. For example, "well if i messed up after 60 days that means at that pace only 6 mess-ups a year.. six times? ... thats not so bad ... probably lots of people do that.... also there are so many other areas where I am so much better than others.... also, i can do it now .... for sure this time it will work and I wont mess up again and if i am really strong that i wont mess up again then its not so bad that i messed up today .... and even though i messed up today bt thats becasue i have a messed up childhood ... so i am damaged and its not my fault.... and also nobody knows what i am going through .... who knows what they would do if they were going through what i am going through .... and anyway this is not really who i am .... and anyway the point is to pull myself together thats really where the yetzer hara is hiding ................................" And on and on and on. Looping in my head. Endlessly. Trying to resolve the trauma that i just put my whole psyche through. It would take at least two days to get my head straight. So so so so so horrible. All the while trying to look normal. To sound normal. I never want to be there again. Today I am clean. Today I am grateful for what Hashem has given me.

realsimcha wrote on 10 Apr 2016 02:58:

Thanks for all your honest posting RS, and wishing you continued Hatzlacha. One of the trademarkz of being an addict is impulsivity, so I'm gonna share a thought. Take it or leave it.  I am trudging in your tracks on my own Journey, but I think sometimes about Teshuvah anyways. To me, the danger was always that Teshuvah led to a chain of thought that ended in depression, hopelessness... and acting out. I have gotten better at seeing posts, shiurim, chazal etc. that "bring me down" without letting it get to me too much though.  My thought was that 12 steps and recovery tend to stress developing a personal relationship with a HP( for me, Hashem).  If you don't already think like this, would it help to approach teshuvah in the context of this relationship, as if He were a wife or a close friend that we had been distancing from (pushing away, ignoring, rebelling, etc.) as a result of our behaviors? I don't know about you, but when I get teary on Yom Kippur, it is not because of all my broken promises, endless porn and the like - I'm pretty numb to all that, unfortunately.  It's when if I connect to who Hashem is and what He means to me that I find myself crying about what I have done wrong and how I wish that I could change my life. (Of course, that never helped me actually change myself for the LT..)

realsimcha wrote on 10 Apr 2016 02:55:

Whoa aren't we skipping all the way to 8 and 9 - Gotta do 4 and 5 first 
 

Day 63: Today I have myself back. When I was actively acting out. I would sometimes hear a shiur, or read in a sefer about working on a certain thing. Like language. Or being careful what music to listen to. etc. When I would hear those things I would feel so low. Here I am struggling with the worst of the worst, there is no way no how that I am shayach to even think about watching my mouth etc. I dont know if I will work on it today. I dont know if I should. But I do know that I could. and I am grateful for that. Thank you Hashem. I just daven that I should continue to feel your presence in my life.