yechidah wrote on 20 Jul 2009 18:32:
A letter to the wife of the GYE husband-written by a Yid
Before I start,I reiterate that this letter is written by a Yid-little mr. yechida here.Your husband did not know I would write this and certainly he didn't ask me to.It's important that you keep this in mind as you read this letter
Also,an important disclaimer.every life,every marriage is unique,and some may go through extraordinary situations.so if chas v'sholom one of you is suffering from a serious illness such as cancer or the like,or the illness and death of a child,then parts of this letter will not apply to you,because Hashem placed before you an extraordinary situation that requires a separate unique discussion,and with special sensitivity.so you must know that a letter such as this requires several assumptions,that you and your husband are in general physical good health,and that both of you are or were or is going or will be going through challanges that face our generation.some of these include struggle with parnassah,with chinuch of children of various ages,stress of daily living,or working together on common problems,paying bills,PTA problems,interaction with parents,in-laws,nosy relatives and neighbors,shul members,the good stress of a simcha of a child born or bar mitzvah or marriage,the hard stress of an aged parent that takes ill and will soon leave this world.Almost every Yid,every couple will go through this,and please keep in mind that it is within this context that I am writing.
Now,let's start.First,an very important general observation.This world is an upside-down world.people's perceptions are way off.good is bad.bad is good.high is low.low is high.So it's important when you assess a situation,you do not pay attention to what people say.You need to observe it yourself correctly,and then do what Hashem wants you to do.
One time,in my first year of marriage,someone close to me told me a negative aspect about my wife.a true negative aspect.and I did what Hashem wanted me to do.I threw the negative comment in the garbage.because Hashem gave me this neshomoh,my true zivvug,from 40 days before I was born.So either He wants me to ignore the negative or He wants me to look at the good in her and build on it.And even if you say that Hashem wants me to see this true negative trait in her,it is only so that I can help heal her not hurt her.like a doctor who looks at an ugly gaping wound.he is looking at it to find a way to heal it.,he doesn't spit at the wound in disgust or contempt.
remember this: a true thing,looked at the wrong way-is false.
Now,you may ask,why am I talking to you?I wouldn't be able to say why because I would start crying before the words came out.so I write it.because I love you like a brother who loves his one and only sister,yes,you who I do not know,you who I will never see nor want to see on this physical earth(after 120 or when moshiach comes-that's a different story),you whom if comes my way I would cross the street to the other side.I love you because you are a daughter of Hashem,and because you love my dear friend-your husband,whom I haven't seen either.
How do I love so intensely people I don't know and will never see?Spend time on this website.you will learn and you will understand.
So,your husband is here.either because he has within him an unhealthy addiction,or if not an actual addiction,he has within him an intense struggle,a strong pull toward unhealthy thoughts and emotions that he must battle with on a day-to-day or sometimes an hour-to-hour basis.You discover this.either because he finally tells you or you stumbled across it with hashgacha pratis,and he is forced to open up and tell you.then it's natural to feel very painful complex emotions,-anger,hurt,fear,confusion.If you husband is here at GYE, he aready understands that you have every right to feel this way. But what I need to tell you ,is that you need to look into yourself and try to understand that there are parts to these emotions that are in the wrong place.my dear sister,feeling hurt and upset is OK.but you really need to know,I mean really really know,why you feel this way.
How do I know your husband?let me tell you in this parable,this mashal.your husband and I are climbing up this very steep tall mountain.Then this heavy-weight full muscled 300 pound mobster appears suddenly and shoves the both of us violently down the mountain.We are both rolling down at great speed.Then I smash into a big boulder,a large rock.I suffer head trauma as well as several broken ribs.but it stops my fall.your husband,only several inches to my right,misses the boulder,and continues rolling furthur down the hill.He finally stops,much furthur down,suffering more,and now he finds inner strengh within him to get up and start climbing again.
Now my sister,this is what I meant about the world being an upside-down place.on the outside,it would appear that I am greater than your husband.After all,I'm higher up on the mountain.But isn't that absurd?do you not see how ridiculous that thought is?that large rock that stopped my fall did not come because of anthing good I did,did not come because of any special zchus.Hashem for reasons not known to me wanted me to be shoved down and to slam me into this rock.and your husband,also for reasons not known,was just at the path that missed that rock by inches.I'm not making excuses for wrong choices, but it is clear as day that your husband is greater than I and has more inner strengh.I look down the hill at him,fighting and fighting to climb up,and I am humbled.I see a greatness in him that you may not yet see-but you will.
And the real "holy" man,the ones that you think are great,whom in your anger and hurt say"that's the one I should have married"-that "holy" man is the one that never experienced that violent shove,never felt the pain of being in a dark place,never had been shattered by a severe fall. Hashem only had him in safe protected places.Take them out of these safe places-and they fold like a cheap camera.
If your husband is here at GYE,then he is in a place that is like a brutally honest mirror.He already looked into himself with brutal honesty,however painful,sees in himself things that he doesn't like,doesn't like at all.He sees what he needs to fix,what he must fix,to become closer to Hashem again ,and yes my beloved sister, to become closer to you again,in a way that it is deeper and closer then it ever was before this began.
Men are men.he may have difficulty telling you this in words,but I know his heart.He loves you very deeply.He knows that Hashem gave you to him from 40 days before he was born.and he knows that he hurt you very much.and if he is here he feels that hurt as intensely as you do.because that's what this great GYE mirror does.To be here,even nameless,requires great courage,honesty,humility,and the determination to fix hurts,to fix what is wrong.
now,my dear sister,in this part,I have to repeat,that it's just a simple Yid,mr little yechida saying this,not your husband,so if what I'm about to say upsets you,then be angry at mr yechida here,not your husband,because he's not saying these words.All I can say is that I love you and I ask you to listen with an open mind.
The hurt you feel should only be when the act of faithlessness occurs.even if he fought with all his might,and was pushed down hard,you have every right to feel that hurt,that stab of pain,when this fall occurs.
But you have no right,no right whatsoever,to blame your husband for the struggle itself,this sexual urge,this very pull to look at attractive women,this need for intimacy.Be upset if he falls,but to be angry at the fact that he is in this struggle in the first place is wrong-very wrong.
So for example.you and your husband have a sheva berochos to go to.men and women separate.no mechitzah.or you are both going to an important appointment,and in these places,in the simcha hall,the train ,the waiting room,there are attractive women there,some dressed in immodest fashion.or your'e both taking a walk together ,and a group of girls appear across the street,one better looking then the other.
you are sharp and observant and as the saying goes you were not born yesterday.you know your husband well.you see him struggle with himself,looking at the floor,or saying tehilim quietly,or staring into a sefer or yated or hamodia or whatever.You feel this bitter anger coming up inside you,not because he is failing his test ,but because he has this struggle within him.Shouldn't I be everything to him?why should his mind and heart go in that direction?
This,my beloved sister is misplaced anger.If he stares at this beautiful woman across the street ,then yes, he has hurt you.But if he doesn't look,he is looking down,or in a sefer,is forcing himself to think of a dvar torah,or he is davening to Hashem to help him with this,or he forces himself to go to meetings which is the last place he wants to be,then you are wrong,even cruel for being angry at him.Complain to the Creator that created him!!!!!!you should be proud,he is fighting,he is a warrior,he's trying so hard for Hashem,he's trying so hard for you,his true zivvug,his dear wife.You should love him for this.not be ashamed of him for this.
If your husband is here,at GYE,he already feels great shame when he falls.as I said before GYE is full of Ahavas Yisroel,but it is also a brutally honest mirror.He is staring at his faults,it hurts terribly,it hurts so much,but he is not looking away.he is trying his hardest ,figuring out how to fix what is wrong.
so,my sister,I'm saying this with ahavah because...It hurts so much to say this,it's good I'm writing ,not talking,because the tears are coming,I don't want to say this but I have to because I love you.your husband's struggles do not give you the excuse not to look into the mirror yourself.A GYE type mirror.you may not have these unhealthy sexual-type urges,but like every human being on this earth,there are things that are wrong with you that you need to fix,you must be brave,you must stare yourself down,you must force yourself to see the ugly in you,and also look at the good and build on that too.There are many things you need to learn about yourself.It will hurt alot.But it's the only way you will heal,and become a better person,a better mother,a better wife.
single young men and women that are here at GYE,could and should read this.especially what I am writing next.I know your parents,your rabbeim,your teachers would have wished that you wouldn't be exposed to these matters just yet.But you have been exposed and you are here, so tough luck.There are alot of things that I would like to tell you if you are willing to listen with a open mind,things that would make your harsh,powerful struggles somewhat easier,to learn and understand why your'e feeling all this complicated stuff that is inside you.
I am a nobody.but in you zchus,because you are here and trying so hard to be good and loyal to Hashem,He allows me to see some little truths that may help and to have the honor to talk to you-but only if you want to.
Now back to my beloved sister.If you and your husband go and ask about issues regarding intimacy to ten rabbonim,you will receive 10 different opinions on the matter.It can be very confusing.and here is the general universal truth.(please keep in mind the disclaimer in the beginning).marriage is like a beautiful vase ,broken in two.It needs glue to become together as One.Too much glue,the vase becomes very ugly.too little glue,the peices do not connect and fall apart from each other.toomuch intimacy ,both of you will lose the main focus in life and things turn ugly.too little,you will be like two ships passing in the night.I've seen couples like this.It's heartbreaking.Children,especially teenagers see this in thier parents and it breaks thier heart too.You both need to talk privately to Hashem,asking him to help you both find a proper balance,a middle point that will make you both happy.You cannot do this yourself.You need Hashem's help.please ask Hashem to help you on this specific matter.He will help you.
My beloved sister,if your good,decent,precious husband opens his heart and expresses interest to be intimate with you,think twice before pushing him away in rejection.If he is here at GYE,then you see clearly it's not just a physical need.he wants to connect with you emotionally on a deep level.he wants to tell you things that he may be afraid to tell you and this is the only way he could.
Your dear husband is crying his heart out,desperately needs to hold you,his true soul mate,and cry on your shoulder.
Open your heart and your arms and allow him to do so.
because this,my beloved sister,is what Hashem wants you,needs you to do.
People are different
As mentioned more than 1/2 year ago, my copy of this letter (edited) was taken ok by my wife
It can be conveyed in other methods, and only if user friendly ;-)
