Hi, I've been fighting for 5 years and have had minimal success. I feel like I need to join PA if I want to even have a chance, I am not ready to go to live meetings and the phone meetings are really at not the best time, what should I do. Any advice would help. Thanks

forging on wrote on 09 Sep 2018 01:34:


forging on wrote on 26 Jun 2017 14:42:


You probably are a great guy

HERES MY FIRST AND LAST SUGGESTION
YOU BETTER JOLLY WELL SHAPE UP AND POST MORE OFTEN, OR ELSE

forging on wrote on 09 Sep 2018 01:34:

Welcome

PA is a live meetin'.

Keep us posted please.

Godspeed!

I'm going to try to post here regularly, I think it will help to have my thoughts written down.

I decided erev Rosh Hashanah that I wasn't going to try to stop cold turkey, I have underlying issues that I have to deal with before i will be able to stop, and i bone every time I go off even a little bit, so much so that even though I was clean for probably around 5 months total last year I was still MZ"L around 400 times. Even just writing that number kills me. I decided i was going to make limits, no more than once per day and not more than twice per week. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying, but I needed to move my red line back so that I could catch myself if I fell.

Comes first day Rosh Hashanah during the silent musaf shmoneh esray and I got this feeling of euphoria just on my level, seeing, reading, understanding, how great Hashem really is. In that moment I thought, "how could i even be MZ"L even once, if He doesn't want me to." But I think I realize that I'm not on that level yet, it's good that i understand where I need to go but I have to take into account who I am as a person and my faults and shortcomings and work with what I have in order to become a healthy person for me and for Hashem.

forging on wrote on 12 Sep 2018 04:34:

Hi
I think posting here often is a great action of recovery and I look forward to reading about your progress.
On the other hand reducing but not eliminating your mzl may not produce your desired result. As the big book of alcoholics anonymous says, those of us that are addicts can't take even one "drink" if we expect to stay sober. "Half measures availed us nothing". As much as we've tried, we can't control our lusting like regular people can and once we start "drinking" a little lust we get sucked in and can't stop.

In your initial post you wrote "I feel like I need to join PA if I want to even have a chance...". That to me sounds like a seriously chronic struggler who's tried to stop on his own every which way and now realizes that he needs to try something else to have any chance at stopping. If so lust, which is the driving force of our acting out, will overpower us if we keep on drinking it, albeit in moderation.

With Blessings,
G4L

grateful4life wrote on 12 Sep 2018 06:48:

For non addicts there is a recognized mehalech of minimizing masturbating and only doing it during specific windows of time - which teaches self control. In order for it to work well, it is usually done under the record keeping supervision of a rebbi or therapist. 

I don't think I made myself clear in my earlier post, I will not be MZ"L anymore. The other girls that I put up for myself were to stop me from foaling out of control if I fell. Which I know that I usually have done so over the past couple of years and it really hurts. I need to take care of two things, number one, deal with my emotional problems that I have from when I was a kid. And two, not use porn and masturbation as a drug to not feel pain.

when I spiral out of control that is, seemingly at least, a compulsive set of Dominos that seem to be going off in my head. I feel like I need to have a specific rule in place to counteract that one aspect. Even though hopefully it will not be applicable to me at all.

I have decided to learn about the twelve steps separately before I go to any meetings. But really it is just because I am very nervous and want to have an idea of what I'm getting into before jumping in.

Welcome!

Your derech sounds very analytical. Why learn about the 12 steps first? If you make it a textbook assignment then it may fail like all other textbooks (sha'arei teshuvah, mesilas yesharim) so far. Live them. Or at the very least find people who live them, and see how they live.

I hope you find consolation for your troubled childhood. Perhaps therapy is necessary. 

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I agree that I definitely need therapy. What type of therapist should I go to, someone who specializes in addiction or someone who specializes in emotional traumaI? I'm not sure. 
i also am realizing that my addiction is not too porn at all, it's more about tech in general, and for that reason now I'm thinking that PA won't work for me because I will still be addicted and it won't be focusing on what the main focus really should be for me.

forging on wrote on 16 Sep 2018 14:40:

I can relate to that.

forging on wrote on 16 Sep 2018 14:40:

HHi Forge.
WWelcome.
(HHow come my keyboard is stuttering?)
Perhaps some may disagree with me, it seemes to me, that PA, SA, AA, NA, OA, and DA (Doughnuts Anonymous) are all basically doing the same thing, with some minor tweaks to make it more applicable. Many people on gye follow the 'Big Book' even though it was written primarily for Alcoholics. The examples may be different, but the ppoint is the same. 

Hatzlacha
Sg