silentbattle wrote on 02 Jan 2017 04:23:

Wow.
 that'sI tough.
I don't remember you writin' about that.
It should be with hatzlachah.

It's rough when they find out.  For me it was the beginning of my healing.  It was not easy at all, but B"H, I'm much better off now, as is my marriage.  I wish you the same.  Keep posting.  We are here for you.

I think I mentioned it, thought it may have gotten lost in the midst of all the other details. Which is maybe as it should be. Oh, don't get me wrong - that conversation was not fun at all, and I was horrified, shocked, ashamed, feeling awful at how hurt she was, on so many levels.

But honestly, I'm glad it happened. Because I'm able to focus on recovery, on being clean, on my relationships, and on real life, in a way that I wasn't just a few weeks ago. And yes, I was planning on making a push in this direction...but making plans doesn't always pan out, y'know?

Now I find myself enjoying real life, enjoying a real relationship with my wife, my children, myself.

I've been trying to figure out what my poison is...whether an addiction or otherwise I don't think it's just about sex or sexual pleasure, or even mostly. I think it's more about feeling wanted, needed, appreciated. Have to figure out how exactly to let go of that...or what that would even mean.

silentbattle wrote on 05 Jan 2017 01:58:

For sure. We avoid the real issue if it's just about the sex. Step 1 of 12 is the only step that directly addresses the specific addiction. The rest of the steps are about positive personal spiritual transformations

Maybe not to let go, but to build on it in a positive way? 

In what ways would you recommend building on those needs in a positive way? They seem rather self-centered. Normal, perhaps (though no doubt exaggerated in my own case), but still selfish.

I think it's a basic human need to be wanted. It's not good for man to be alone.
To deny the need, I don't think you'd have a foundation to build upon. 
So let it drive you. What's the cycle? Here's a choice:
--
Feel frustrated nobody needs you                       OR    make yourself needed
--
act out                                                                           Feel satisfied but no longer needed
--
Feel disgraced but no longer needed
(see Dov's Nuclear Reset Button)
(besides, who'd even need you? What a
schlump)
--


We have a choice. Now how do you make yourself needed?

Many people I speak to (myself included) say that it's not really about the rush of sex; it's more about being wanted or needed. The fellows by the SA meetings used to say similar. That is why we need to work on improvin' ourselves, our relationships with real, true people, and ultimately, our relationship with God. This leads to bein' content. This leads to serenity. This is what life is about.

So basically, when we feel that neediness, to take positive steps towards feeling connected.

I guess the work to do is being able to take those steps even when it doesn't give me  the instant gratification I crave, even when I don't feel connected by the positive actions I take.

Yes.

Why do we always need instant gratification?

See how helpful my post was? Karma please

So...I've started going to SA meetings. Not sure if this is the answer for me, but it's definitely something that has potential, and I'm going to be exploring it and see where it goes. 

I do find it fascinating how most of the focus is on facing all of our issues, and trusting in God in all areas. Definitely a good approach, and very impressive how everyone was able to be open and share their different struggles in life - connected to lust, or otherwise.

silentbattle wrote on 22 Jan 2017 00:50:

Well done mr SilentNoMoreBattleFree

Hey everyone - life has been busy. Going to SA meetings, trying to figure out when/how I can get to a secon meeting each week, going to therapy, working, focusing more on family, reading the White Book, along with another book on sex addiction my therapist recommended...I wish there were more hours in the day!

silentbattle wrote on 17 Feb 2017 15:53:

Are you sure? I know what I was doing before gye in the extra hours of the day...

LOL...I hear that. Maybe it's because I'm suddenly more in tune with the demands of real life. Or maybe it's that recovery is actually taking more time. 

Wonderful!

How do you feel a second meeting would help?