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making the silent battle...not.
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: making the silent battle...not. 83648 Views

making the silent battle...not. 04 Dec 2009 04:12 #32122

  • silentbattle
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Because isn't that why I'm here? And silent battles are always more difficult to fight. There are very few people in the "real world" (you know, the one where people lie, cheat, steal, and are nasty to each other  ) that I can talk to about this - so this is my chance, I guess.

I'm in my late 20s, single. I learned in Eretz Yisroel for a bunch of years, and had tremendous success, both in learning, in middos, and general personal growth.

When I came back to america, though, things were different. I didn't have the same social framework of the yeshiva that I'd gotten used to. Most of my friends were married, in a different country/state, or both. And the few friends who were still around were crazy busy with their own things. So there I was, lonely, without any support system to speak of, having trouble with dating, and full of the standard drives that guys have. And no real outlet for any of my emotional and physical needs.

Speaking to Uri and reading his posts, yes, I suppose I have a deeper neediness, and to me, "loneliness" includes that - the feeling of not having people to rely on, not feeling wanted, needed, etc.

So I started going to various websites - I started by using them as fuel for fantasies, but eventually ended up meeting women in real life. And while I was honest with them, and made sure they were aware that it could never become something truly serious (how ironic, that my being frum influenced me even while I was doing these terrible aveiros!), I got involved in one unhealthy relationship after another. They provided a fleeting comfort, and even some support, but nothing lasting, and in retrospect, it's no surprise that my dating wasn't very successful (even though I wasn't in any other relationships at the time of dating, I just wasn't in a very healthy place overall).

And then...Hashem helped me. I'm very close with my rebbe, but I could never bring myself to tell him about this, even though I wished he would somehow find out. Well, he did - and I was horrified, but amazingly relieved at the same time. He directed me to a therapist, and the therapist mentioned this website - so here I am.

So, the major issue I'm dealing with is not meeting people in real life - but while I'm at it, my therapist recommended trying for complete abstinence - and I thought, "why not?" After all, if I'm looking to improve myself on a ruchniyos level, then I should try to stop mz"l too, right? And, so far, so good. Clearly, Hashem has been helping me. I've been clean over a month from unhealthy relationships, and something like 11 days on the WOH.

Thank you, everyone, for being part of this group.
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 04 Dec 2009 12:46 #32325

  • habib613
bardichev once said "just keep truckin"

keep up the good work, silent.

you can do this (or rather, if you give up your battle to Hashem you can do this, but i'm sure you've heard all about that :D)

welcome!
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 04 Dec 2009 13:08 #32333

  • silentbattle
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Actually, I don't really understand that fully - I need to read a bit more, then I'll ask questions. For now, I'm looking at it through the gemara, specifically R' Yeruchum Levovitz's way of seeing it - that anytime we're faced with a nisayon, we need Hashem's help - we're created so that we can only defeat the yetzer hora with hashem's help.

Reading more, though, and understanding more, is pretty high on my to-do list.
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 04 Dec 2009 13:15 #32335

  • habib613
that's pretty cool.

not so into gemarah learning myself  :D

but i think i heard that R' Yeruchum Levovitz says that, a really long time ago, it's all coming back now.

think you can write a bit more about that?
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 04 Dec 2009 16:14 #32351

  • bardichev
habib613 wrote on 04 Dec 2009 12:46:

bardichev once said "just keep truckin"

keep up the good work, silent.

you can do this (or rather, if you give up your battle to Hashem you can do this, but i'm sure you've heard all about that :D)

welcome!


BARDICHEV 'ONCE" SAID??

HUH!??

HE SAYS IT SEVENTY ZILLION TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!

KEEEEEP ON TRUCKIN!!!!!

MOVE ALONG JUST MARCH ALONG  AND FUGGGEDABOUTIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGG
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 04 Dec 2009 16:28 #32353

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Remember when you are with a chabura you have a koach. Keep it up!!!!!!!
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 04 Dec 2009 19:36 #32369

  • silentbattle
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Guys, thank you so much!

And I have to say that yesterday, I was faced with a difficult nisayon - I got an email saying that I'd received a message from another user on a site I'd signed up for a while back. I went to the site, and for a few seconds, considered replying...and then spent a lot longer than that figuring out how to delete my profile. Thank you Hashem, thank you GYE!

R' Yeruchum explains (in parshas Shelach) a rashi, really. Rashi brings down that Hashem said, "I wil give them room to make a mistake ." R' Yeruchum explains that Hashem didn't MAKE them do an aveirah - He just took away the help that he always provides, and once that help was gone, it was inevitable that they would fall. *(see bottom for an explanation of why hashem took away his support)

The gemara says, "A person's Yetzer attacks him every day, and wants to kill him...and if not for hashem's help, we wouldn't stand a chance." R' Yeruchum explains that in general, Hashem is constantly helping us out, and without that constant support, we wouldn't be able to succeed. No matter how great we are - remember, the meraglim were among the greatest, holiest people, and yehoshua bin nun was listed 5th - implying that everyone above him was even greater than he was! And yet, without Hashem's help, they fell. Yehoshua and Kalev were both saved by an extra dose of hashem's help, each in their own way (that's another whole discussion).

R' Yeruchum goes further to point out that when a person wants to purify himself (or herself), hashem "helps" (misa'ayin lo) - but when a person wants to make himself impure, hashem just opens the way (poschin lo). Exactly the same point.

He then brings down that R' Yisroel Salanter used to say that he wouldn't trust himself to be in a room with an uncounted box of money unless there were people constantly going ni and out. R' Yeruchum said that with his own self-knowledge, he wouldn't trust himself even with money that HAD been previously counted!

He emphasizes that when we go through a day without doing an aveirah, instead of congratulating ourselves, we should realize that it's a wonderful favor and chesed from hashem, and if we think it's all because of us, we're mistaken.

Now, when klal yisroel decided to send the meraglim, they were making a choice (according to many, if not most commentaries) that was a mistake of doing too much hishtadlus (obviously, on their own level, which we can barely understand). Since they wanted to do things on their own, midah k'neged midah, hashem allowed them to be on their own.

May we never be alone, and may we always realize that.

Have a great shabbos!

PS - the obvious question on all of this is, why did hashem make us this way, that we need his help constantly? This is even more puzzling in light of the fact that the whole world was created for the purpose of us having b'chira, free will, and being self made. This bothered me for a long time until I saw an explanation from R' Itzele Peterburger (a.k.a. R' Yitzchok Blazer). But that's for another time! In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter!
Last Edit: 04 Dec 2009 19:39 by .

Re: making the silent battle...not. 05 Dec 2009 19:46 #32410

  • the.guard
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PS - the obvious question on all of this is, why did hashem make us this way, that we need his help constantly? This is even more puzzling in light of the fact that the whole world was created for the purpose of us having b'chira, free will, and being self made. This bothered me for a long time until I saw an explanation from R' Itzele Peterburger (a.k.a. R' Yitzchok Blazer). But that's for another time! In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter!


Great question!

Hashem wants us to try our very best to break the Yetzer Hara. When we see we can't, He steps in and does it for us. But He only steps in if we have tried everything humanly possible and still cannot succeed. At that point, we have a true realization that we need Him and that only HE can do. And when we have that true realization, we have a true "vessel" for his help, and that is when he steps in and does it for us.

Hashem doesn't need our success. He wants the "KESHER" with us. Success is His business, not ours. It is our "needing his help constantly" that creates the KESHER 
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 05 Dec 2009 20:08 by .

Re: making the silent battle...not. 05 Dec 2009 22:27 #32451

  • imtrying25
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Hey silentbattle wats up. Just saw your thread for the first time. Cant believe it i actualy have a partner to discuss R' Yeruchems with. I very much enjoy his Torah. That piece in Shlach that you wrote is the first piece of his i ever went through. And ive been addicted ever since.
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 06 Dec 2009 03:22 #32492

  • silentbattle
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That's awesome! Chavrusas?  R' Yeruchum is definitely up there on my list of favorites, right after R' Desler.

By the way, Reb Guard - R' Yitzchok Blazer's answer is a longer version of yours - the idea that our constant dependence on him is to enable us to constantly be involved in asking for help and keep our kesher with him strong. he explains that this is just like we can use all areas of the physical world to help us strengthen our connection with him - when we ask Hashem to help us in areas of our physical life - health, wealth, happiness, for my car to work well, etc.

However, he's very clear that Hashem is constantly helping us, in every area - this is clear with his example that R' Yisroel Salanter wouldn't trust himself with uncounted money (an area where, I presume, he didn't usually feel himself facing extraordinary temptation - rather, he was explaining that the only reason he succeeded was because of hashem's constant support).
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 06 Dec 2009 03:23 #32493

  • silentbattle
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In other news - B"H, with your help and Hashem's, I'm still going strong!

Thank you!
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 06 Dec 2009 05:53 #32516

  • bahava
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Well done reb yid!

We'll get through this together!!!!!
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 06 Dec 2009 12:05 #32576

  • imtrying25
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I enjoy R dessler alot too. Two totally different styles but both amazing in their own way. So keep it up SB.
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 06 Dec 2009 12:48 #32600

  • the.guard
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the idea that our constant dependence on him is to enable us to constantly be involved in asking for help and keep our kesher with him strong.


If I may humbly refer you to one of my personal favorite vertlach, #229 on this page, I think you'd enjoy it.
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: making the silent battle...not. 06 Dec 2009 14:03 #32610

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silentbattle wrote on 04 Dec 2009 19:36:

Guys, thank you so much!

And I have to say that yesterday, I was faced with a difficult nisayon - I got an email saying that I'd received a message from another user on a site I'd signed up for a while back. I went to the site, and for a few seconds, considered replying...and then spent a lot longer than that figuring out how to delete my profile. Thank you Hashem, thank you GYE!



Wow, you're doing great!
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