Hello!

May the tension between the two of you diffuse soon. It's hard and it will be hard. That's the reality. and one which I dread. I can fix it if I just stay clean. But can't we all ?

Thanks for the warm welcome back. 

I'm trying to change my focus towards more real life. That's going to be the only thing that holds any hope of "fixing" this. Both in the sense of keeping me clean, and also of improving my relationship with my family that has been so damaged by what I've done.

I think this forum is a little bit of life

KOB








Keep
On






Breathng. YEAH!

Your quoted words in black

Please see my comments in different colors
silentbattle wrote:

silentbattle wrote on 21 Dec 2016 03:47:

It is quite a vague statement. What IS real life? And will focusing on it change your lustyness?
Because sometimes I believe real life is ogling those girls across the road. Definitely feels real in the moment! ---

Markz wrote on 21 Dec 2016 07:11:

Regardin' postin' here and the amount of times, I think it is completely dependent on each individual person. Bein' involved here can mean a wide variety of things and it extends from one side of the spectrum to another.

Welcome back!  I guess you are now "Silent no More".  Nice to have you back.

OK, first - what do I consider "real life?" My wife, my children, my family, my relationship with hashem, my job...as opposed to fantasies of easy happiness and lust (whether the lust is more on the sexual or emotional side). To put it simply - genuine connections and relationships that are meaningful.

But I want to post regularly - my options for doing that are limited, as my portable chromebook is collecting dust until I can figure out how to get a filter put on by my local TAG office (tried going once, but they were closed during their "open" hours). During work not the best option, so I can only do it at home, once I get home from work, which is also my time for focusing on wife and family, and wife also wants me to go to a shiur. And she's right - I need to feel like I'm doing something genuinely rewarding, connecting with people.

But that does limit my ability to post. Trying to post and read a bit every days, but I'm not going to kick myself if I miss a day.

To Markz - I'm doing actions, too, never fear. Wife set certain guidelines, such as arriving home earlier from work than I had been, at least a few days a week. Her suggestions were simple common sense, and I'm very grateful to her. She's so hurt by what I did, and yet she's still trying to push for things that are positive through and through.

1) Thanks for coming back and not collecting dust

2) If your Chrome book isn't in use cos you need tag to filter it, why not call for a Tag technician near you to drop it off by him till its setup - they can install games too TAG

Hm, didn't know that was an option. Is that standard everywhere?

As for the games - tempting, but that runs a close second to lusting for my escapes from real life, for me.

I have to say that both in terms of my lusting, and in terms of my possibly-near-addiction to online games, it is a relief to be able to focus on real life. To come home and say hello to my wife and children, and not have half a mind thinking about my computer - even just in terms of a game I'm in the middle of in real-time.

But the thought that nags me is that of course it's easy now, when I'm forced by circumstance to focus on improving things. And my wife, lucky for me, is showing that she wants things to be better too, as painful as this is for her.

But what about when this inspiration dies down? What about when things get so difficult that I feel like crying, so frustrating that I feel like punching a wall (something I never did before I was married, by the way), so alone I don't know what to do?

I've realized there are two parts to any response to that question. One is that I need to figure out a good answer, and the second is that the answer cannot be lust, or turning away and hiding from reality. 

silentbattle wrote on 29 Dec 2016 02:03:

What is forcin' you now?

The fact that my wife fond out about my problem - so that forces me to face my issue on two levels - firstly, because I have to deal with this if I want to stay married. But on a deeper level, it forced me to confront how damaging my actions have been.

Now it's easy to be fired up about change when everything is fresh, and inspired, and clear. As time goes on, it becomes more difficult. I have no doubt I'll find myself in very painful (emotionally) situations, looking for some way to dull the pain. I need to ensure that way before that happens, I know how to step back, surrender, look for another way...and not just a way to dull the pain.

Your wife just found out?

Yep, 'bout 2 weeks ago, boruch hashem.