.

Lifebound:

Sorry to hear about your stumble.
Here are some thoughts that i have, and some tips that worked for me.

• Porn is not sweet, it is VILE! We know this intellectually, but have a hard time internalizing this emotionally. The more a person tells himself  that porn is vile trash, the more he will come to really feel it. It is not an old friend, it is a monster trying to pull you into its infernal embrace!
• Realize what you accomplished! You now know that you have it within you to fight for 35 whole days! Undoubtedly, you have grown. You are no longer a pushover! You are now a fighter. When a fighter loses, he doesn't wallow, he prepares for his next fight. Start getting ready. Analyze how you fell, and what steps you can take to avoid a repeat. 
• How were you able to access this porn? Are your devices blocked? If your friends know that you don't access such devices, they might not offer them to you. Ask them to not offer you such devices!
• Some suggestions that worked for me:
  
  • Carry around a pocket size tehilim or chumash. When faced with something sudden, a few perakim of tehilim, or a bit of שנים מקרא can help.
  • Do you touch yourself "down there"? I found it much easier to not touch at all, than to touch, and stop myself before anything happens. 
  • Daven, daven, and daven some more, asking Hashem to give you the strength to do the right thing!
  • When in the grips of a strong desire, I take a deep breath, and repeat over and over to myself, "I do not need to do this. I do not need to do this."
  • If i am sitting around, doing nothing, the yetzer strikes hard! A change of scenery can help me to shift my thoughts to something else. Also, something to release the tension often helps me. Pushups, running around the block, going up and down 8 flights of stairs etc.

I hope these ideas help! Remember, you are a fighter, and fighters don't give up just because they hit a temporary setback!
Hatzlacha Rabbah!!!

P.S. If you want to, tell me your name (פלוני בן פלונית), and i can daven for you at the Kosel the next time I am there.

Yerushalmi, for non addicts your post was great - keep them coming and keep sharing

You wrote "You now know that you have it within you to fight for 35 whole days! Undoubtedly, you have grown"
This guy has been fighting presumably for 10,20,30 years. Another 35 days of white knuckling do not reflect growth - sorry

The fact he came back and shared is great and he'll grow in his own time and pace with Gds help

Markz wrote on 21 Mar 2018 14:02:

im sorry to say , there is growth and there is growth  , whiteknuckling may be a lower level of growth
but its GREAT , i think to say that it does not reflect growth is really not a thought out statement, the next thing youll know is that youll start playing G-D and say you know L.B. i dont even think you deserve any reward for those worthless 35 days.
please think before you post

Some people have Gds phone#, text him daily and know all about their reward and punishment

Sobriety is a different planet

The main greatness that can be found in it 
is that you are seriously intrested in change 
so much that you fought yourself so long
but if this is not the right direction for you then
keep on looking for the real recovory not white knuckling
as for g-d part thats not our intrest if you will get sechar
or not our job is to return to normalcy and get sober

Hi Lifebound welcome back 
Hearing you speak about your fall, brought back memories about my fall, you see last october i attempted to stop cold and i also killed myself until i hit 33 days clean. (my Gye Username at that time was yankelthefighter feel free to check out my posts from that time period) and then i fell and when i fell i gave up hope of ever quitting until 3 months ago, when i got caught by my mother and that's when i made a commitment I MUST QUIT i told myself either i quit with talking to the chevra etc, installing filters, ETC or i must start going to SA (something i'm extremely embarrassed to do) but staying addicted the way i was IS NOT AN OPTION. I CAN'T CONTINUE LIVING THIS WAY! And b'h this shabbos i'll hit 90 days!
So When i think about why this time i was more successful than last time i think it was as you very clearly said in your post "I think the only reason I was able to stay away from porn for this long (35 whole days...) was because I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't truly done with porn" that's what i felt last time i tried this time around i told myself I'M DONE WITH PORN and I MUST QUIT and if i need to go to SA i will because i Can't continue living with this addiction.

Dear Lifebound i want you to know this attempt wasn't a waste of time you learn't a lot, became extremely self aware and i'm sure once you regain your footing and truly realize "I'M DONE WITH PORN and I MUST QUIT and if i need to go to SA i will because i Can't continue living with this addiction" then that attempt will get farther but like i've heard from Dov many times i think without this realization which sadly usually only comes when people hit rock bottom it's hard to quit when as you said "i knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't truly done with porn which is what happened to me my 1st time around"

:kissing_face:LOTS Of LOVE YANKEL (i still love you dearly)

lifebound wrote on 21 Mar 2018 15:37:

nope ,sorry, there is GREAT growth and there is GREATER growth,whiteknuckling probably is GREAT growth,and you are not the same person anymore, you and many others like you are doing GREAT THINGS ,and ther are those who imsure took it it the way i wrote even though M.  didnt mean it , unfortanetly it can be taken that way, so be careful, wont say names , simply because i dont want to be attacked  , but peoples Torah, Tefila , Teshuva etc...have been made verbaly into nothing because they are not on the road of GREATER growth, so please excuse me if i assumed M. is just parroting their way of thought, there are some people here who adopt a rough and tough way of talking because they  want to emulate  a certain ,person/s style ive seen their style  of talking /posting  change , even their words have similarities,im not talking about words like the-the, i mean words where the tuffy coined certain expressions ,(by the way the tuffy who im talking about has the heart of a teddy bear,) and this wasnt only a defense for you, glad you dont need it , but there are others who  read these posts 

lifebound wrote on 21 Mar 2018 06:43:

Dear Lifebound,
Thanks for having the courage and strength to share openly  about your experiences....I have been there many times.....I'm sick of this. I hate it so much.....and then doing it all over again. Total insanity!
Yes....After my last 90 streak masturbation was the biggest relief ever.
....... greeting an old friend    definitely relate to this feeling....BH for me getting sober this time around is actually like greeting an old friend .IMHO  just like  pathways are created  in the brain from continuing to act out....that are also pathways of recovery created when taking actions of recovery. So BH I am still able to access some of those "pathways"..Bezras Hashem  you will too...

Do I really want to stop? Yes! but not at the expense of sweet porn... These thoughts and feelings were running constantly in my head during my relapse! Yes,it is sweet..that is why it is called "eye candy" but I am a "candy addict" one is too much.....and a 100 is not enough.  and then comes all the guilt and shame which is not sweet at all.

LB I really love your honesty. It's helping me immensely.
I want to say goodbye to this old friend now.. Just for today at least..

Lifebound, as many before me have written, your honesty and courage are a breath of fresh air. The feelings you describe of how sorely you missed the sweet pornography and masturbation are things many here can relate to very well. However you decide to proceed, may Hashem help you find serenity and simchas hachaim. We are all here for you despite varying opinions and personal leanings. Stay part of the chevra so we can iyh celebrate together (and in the meantime, we are here to share your pain)

I just want to pick up on this:


I'm slowly accepting things about myself. That I love video games and game music, anime and stuff. And I know the overwhelming majority of us frummers don't have anything to do with it and some may consider it assur but I can't now 'deny' this part of myself and throw it away as a 'distraction' from 'real life'. Wouldn't be healthy for me anyway, I think, 'cos it goes like this:
I love these things but I shouldn't but I really do but it's wrong but it feels great and inspires me and stuff but it's not frum but I like these things but but but then I act out probably because I just feel guilty and stuff.

I want to be honest enough to embrace what I really enjoy in life. May not be derech ha'emes, but it's derech ha'me.

lifebound wrote on 23 Mar 2018 04:45:


Dear Lifebound.....Very well articulated! You were mikaven to a befarshe Dr. Twerski!

Kuddos again for coming back to the forum and sharing openly and honestly which are critical components of recovery Honesty Openness and Willingness.

I identify very much with the distraction addiction. Besides Lust,Masturbation,porn,and fantasy,and overeating my diversions include news (especially YWN,Linkedin and off course GYE and sometimes work)
Also, I  engage in the self-loathing and feelings of guilt which I now understand are toxic for me.

So,I just wanted to share something I read several years ago from Dr. Abraham Twerski,in his book called Let Us Make Man.His discusses the feelings of dread one experiences when  alone with oneself . He suggests that it has roots in feelings of low self-worth. This was really an eye opener for me because my default thoughts besides lust and anger,are self-loathing and self-pity.He further discusses that many folks who are intelligent,and capable and accomplished,ect will minimize their strengths and constantly focus on their deficits. My road to self-improvement began with an accurate acknowledgement and acceptence of my strengths,talents,unlimited potential for growth ect. 

May Hashem grant us all the honesty, openness ,and willilngness to accept ourselves and strive for continued growth and improvement. .