Read once, then minimize to save screen space.

Forum Overview

Post on the forum to get support, tell your story and reach out for help when feeling weak!

You will never be alone in this struggle again.

The GYE forum is anonymous platform of group support, and a life-line of chizuk for hundreds of people in exactly your situation. 

To use the forum you need to first become a member of the site, sign up here.

After signing up to the site, go to the forum, enter one of our boards and press "New Topic" to begin posting! 

Welcome, Guest

Journey of life
(0 viewing) 
A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Journey of life 54163 Views

Re: My sorry state... 06 Mar 2018 13:59 #327796

  • HakolMilimala
  • Current streak: 2 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 97
  • Karma: 10
Yes, 90 days by itself is a delay tactic.
but it can give you time to work on things. You write that you don’t feel like you’re working on the underlying issue, whatever that is. Well I think the first step to being able to work on it is to try and figure out what it is. So my suggestion is to do a lot of self thinking. When you get an urge, think right then, which feelings/thoughts are causing this.

Re: My sorry state... 06 Mar 2018 14:59 #327801

  • Iampowerless
  • Current streak: 19 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 234
  • Karma: 23
1st of all congratulations on your 23 days that is amazing Keep it up ODAAT! I just reread all your posts from the beginning and it really is amazing to me how much you have grown from your 1st few posts where you pretty much said you just can't do anything, there is no way you can't open up to anyone etc, to the level you have reached now clean for 23 days, reaching out to others who need help, connecting with others, Installing a filter, and a lot of healthy conversations and debates which have made you so much more self aware! You are a true inspiration for many over here!

To answer your 1st point "in the beginning it was simple to just say no and push it off. Now I've got 3 weeks of accumulated urges bottled up. I can't help but feel the whole 90 days thing is a glorified delay tactic...somethings gonna give way sooner or later" That is exactly what ODAAT is there for. I think most of us feel like this, fursure in the 1st 40 days of recovery as those are the hardest, but even afterwards My good buddy MR Anxiety (We have been buddies for already a bunch of years) is always trying to use that tactic of getting me worried that i'm "gonna give way sooner or later" as a way to get me to fall. and that's why it's very important to be aware that that fear is your MR Anxiety because look around the forum people have been able to stay clean for so long and you could as well ODAAT!

In regards to your second point "...so that's worrying. I haven't felt calm and serene at all. I don't feel like I'm doing anything to address the underlying issue, whatever that is." You see The underlying issue for me and probably also for you is loneliness, not feeling satisfied about yourself, feeling very low and useless, feeling as though everyone else is feeling happy without even trying and i could try to do everything to get happy but nothing brings me happiness etc, which brings way to depression, low self esteem Etc.
Now i've gone to therapy for some time now and i've learned that therapy could make you more self aware understand why you are feeling sad, learning to accept yourself for who you are, learning to live with urges, learning to see the good that you have to offer which is great ETC, but it will never cure my underlying issues you see the last week i've been having terrible back pains, and i ended a shidduch as such i've been extremely depressed now therapy as thought me to understand and accept the fact that i'm feeling depressed, understanding that acting out won't cure my depression just will make it worse etc, but it can't make me not feel depressed.
so i think you are trying to feel magically great at a time in your life where you are lonely, feeling a lot of stress of how to go about shidduchim etc, so that's not going to happen it make sense why you are feeling what you are feeling etc, but what's very important is to be able to accept the fact that right now you are feeling depressed it's ok to feel this way and acting out will just make things worse not better etc....................

That's my long meguila hope at least some parts are helpful!

 Love Your Dear Friend Yankel!
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes
Last Edit: 06 Mar 2018 15:08 by Iampowerless.

Re: My sorry state... 06 Mar 2018 22:41 #327835

"danann@" post=327426 date=1519532169 catid=1especially experienced members of gye to talk over the phone or texting them, and eventually meeting them i think is best, and make them your "real life" friends to open up to, because not always (which is most cases i think) your real life friends not from gye are equipped and understanding of are situation.  hazlacha on the path hashem puts you on:)

Just commenting on the above quoted post...
I have heard folks in SA  call people outsiders "civilians". because most of them (even some therapists) have no clue about the pain of our struggle or the joy we share when we make progress.
Last Edit: 07 Mar 2018 20:49 by aryehdovid85. Reason: correction

Re: My sorry state... 06 Mar 2018 23:41 #327839

  • cordnoy
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Moderator
  • I'm sailin', for I've got to be free
  • Posts: 11290
  • Karma: 521
aryehdovid85 wrote on 06 Mar 2018 22:41:
in SA we call people outside of the program "civilians". Most of them even therapist have no clue what we are struggling with or the joy we share when we progress.

Although I'm a member, the above seems to bolster my opinion that sa is a cult.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My sorry state... 06 Mar 2018 23:46 #327840

  • lifebound
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 225
  • Karma: 35
cordnoy wrote on 06 Mar 2018 23:41:

aryehdovid85 wrote on 06 Mar 2018 22:41:
in SA we call people outside of the program "civilians". Most of them even therapist have no clue what we are struggling with or the joy we share when we progress.

Although I'm a member, the above seems to bolster my opinion that sa is a cult.

Agreed...

I'm not sure who you mean or what point you're trying to bring out, aryehdovid. Can you elaborate please?

Re: My sorry state... 07 Mar 2018 04:24 #327863

  • lifebound
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 225
  • Karma: 35
Thank you all for the support, advice, and encouragement.

ieeyc: I know there's no way of knowing if/when I will fall, and it definitely got easier towards the beginning after the first few days, as I was "building my muscles". The issue is, now it is getting harder than before, and I fear that it won't last just by me pushing it off another day, hour, minute, etc.
To clarify: I'm not saying this as an excuse: that it's getting harder therefore a fall is inevitable so what's the point. I'm concerned that what I'm doing now may not be enough in the long term, and therefore should address that now instead of waiting until a possible fall. I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing and go through life on an endless cycle of falling and clean streaks.

Hashem Help Me: I understand what you're saying but I have trouble accepting it. I don't mean a physical pressure, a physical need to ejaculate. The building pressure is the desire to lust. And while I'm happy that in your situation you found it all to be imaginary in the end and were able to just ignore and surmount it, who's to say that that's the only way it goes? I certainly don't feel that way. I relate alot more to what I quoted above from gibbor120, that holding your breath won't last and is not called being in recovery. Again, not using this as an excuse to act out. Just observing that what I'm doing now may not be sustainable.

HakolMilimala: Yes I've been trying to do exactly that but having trouble pinpointing it. It's just...lust! It feels great! It's been my best friend for 15+ years! But I know there's more to it than that. It's usually when I'm feeling down on life and hopeless but I don't know if that's specific enough...Will keep giving it thought.

iampowerless: Thank you yes you're right, it feels good to know that I've progressed to this point and was able to overcome all (well maybe not all...but we're makin headway!) that negativity and hopelessness in my first post.
I have a love/hate relationship with ODAAT. On one hand it's a liberating thing. Don't worry about the future! Focus on the NOW. Win this battle. Keep doing that, each day adds up and before you know it you'll be on top of the world. On the other hand, it feels like tunnel vision to me. Obsessing over the NOW without thinking about the big picture is not good either. 
ODAAT was helpful in getting me this far, and hopefully further. However it may or may not last, and I need to be ready for that possibility. Unless I completely missed the boat on what ODAAT means in which case someone please enlighten me.
Regarding therapy and underlying issues, I didn't say I need to cure my underlying issues. I said I need to address them. It's a matter of knowing what they are how to deal with them, which if I understand correctly is pretty much what your point is. And for that I probably do need to go to therapy which will help a great deal but I keep procrastinating that phone call to Relief...
Refuah shelaima, hope your back gets better quick!


Thanks again everyone, I love reading your insight and support it's very helpful.
Last Edit: 07 Mar 2018 04:27 by lifebound.

Re: My sorry state... 07 Mar 2018 09:55 #327871

  • yehoshua
  • Current streak: 14 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 296
  • Karma: 13
If I understand your post, you are looking for a happy recovery.

So I would tell you lies, but honestly, I am still looking. There has to be something else that works better than the drug. Even more, I guess i am thankful for the drug, otherwise I would never get real about my relationship to God, wife, work, friends...

Re: My sorry state... 07 Mar 2018 10:56 #327872

  • Yerushalmi
  • Current streak: 18 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 77
  • Karma: 9
HI Lifebound,

I just saw your posts, and I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.

Firstly, congratulations on 24 clean days!! 25 days ago, you probably never imagined that you could accomplish so much!! Feel good about this accomplishment! 
Secondly, you need to view each and every day as a new battle. It's very hard to say to yourself," I will never do this again. Ever!" As soon as someone says that, the yetzer steps in and says, who are you fooling? You know that won't happen! Why prolong the inevitable? If we instead say to ourselves, TODAY I WILL NOT DO IT! NO MATTER WHAT! (Use caps when talking to your yetzer!) The yetzer will say "you know you will do it next week". Respond by saying "so What? Maybe I will give in next week, but TODAY I will not!" This is not a delay tactic, this is focusing on winning the battle that is right here right now. Right now I have a battle to win. The outcome of tomorrow's battle should have no effect on today's fight! The yetzer definitely fights this way! He fights every battle to win, and he is completely undeterred by 24 consecutive loses. Fight today's battle today, there is no need to fight tomorrow's fight now also. 
If you win today's fight, YOU WON!!! This is not an all or nothing concept. Every fight you win, every time you say no, is a victory in it of itself! Tomorrow's loss has no impact at all on today's fight. Don't view the 90 days as pushing off the inevitable. View it as a reprogramming of yourself. You are changing yourself from someone who gives into his lust, into someone who does not give in. This change takes blood, sweat, and tears, and time! Even if you do fail, you are a very different person! You are now a fighter! Not a quitter! You are not delaying the inevitable, you are building up your army. Every day that you hold out, your strength grows, and you become a bigger, better fighter.
Every victory, no matter how tiny, is exceedingly precious in Hashem's eyes! HE wants us to win! HE is rooting for us more than the entire GYE site combined! HE wants us to win! HE also helps us when we ask him. Say some Tehillim when feeling down. Pour out your heart in Tefilah to HIM, asking, begging, PLEADING with HIM to help you, to give you the strength you need to fight. Hashem knows our limits, and will push us to those limits. But HE won't push one bit beyond our limits. 
Chazal say, the greater a person, the greater is his yetzer. You are now a strong fighter, not a wimpy pushover. In order to challenge you, your yetzer has grown accordingly. Imagine this, 25 days ago, had the yetzer attacked you with the same strength he is using now, you would have failed in 3 seconds flat!!! He has to up the ante, just to level the playing field! The fact that things are getting harder, means that you are getting better!
Thirdly, this is a lifelong fight. There is no way around that, and no magic pill to make it go away. Chazal say אין אפוטרופוס לעריות!! They knew what they were talking about. The yetzer for Arayos, (and masturbation is included in that category) is a lifelong thing that affects everybody! No one is immune from this fight! Those of us on GYE are just more pro-active about fighting the fight. But everybody has that fight. That is why Chazal forbade Yichud, and that is why they established special restrictions for when one's wife is a Niddah. Solving your personal issues will help you know yourself better. It will not make this fight go away, at all. We need to focus on each fight as it comes up. The fact that we may have unresolved personal issues, is just the yetzer's way of saying "Be a quitter!" Tell him back, "Yes, I have loads of unresolved issues, BUT I WILL NOT GIVE IN TODAY. PERIOD!!!!!"
One way that I found that gives me chizuk, is to dedicate your fight to someone else. Perhaps you have a friend or family member who needs a shiduch, a parnassah, or a refu'ah. Say to yourself, that in so and so's zechus, so that he can get...I WILL NOT GIVE IN. A few years back, missiles were landing all over Israel from Gaza. (I live in Jerusalem.) When faced with a difficult challenge, I said to myself that Klal Yisroel needs the zechusim now. In the zechus that everyone should be safe and unharmed, I will not do this now. I was able to last for a while with this. If you do this for a friend, it might be very helpful. 
Another thing to do is to find another way to blow off stress. Jog around the block, run up and down 5 flights of stairs, do as many pushups as you can, jog in place quickly for 10 minutes, lift weights until you are sore, whatever it takes to help release some tension in your life. You don't need to masturbate! Smokers NEED their nicotine fix, you do not need a masturbate fix.
You don't need years of therapy to win this fight, and you (and everyone really) will be in this fight for life, but you are not alone, and you can win this fight!!

Re: My sorry state... 07 Mar 2018 19:07 #327889

  • lifebound
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 225
  • Karma: 35
yehoshua wrote on 07 Mar 2018 09:55:
If I understand your post, you are looking for a happy recovery.

So I would tell you lies, but honestly, I am still looking. There has to be something else that works better than the drug. Even more, I guess i am thankful for the drug, otherwise I would never get real about my relationship to God, wife, work, friends...

Thanks but no I don't think recovery is supposed to be all happiness and rainbows and sunshine. Happiness is related but mostly it's a separate issue, IMO. I'm talking about just the effectiveness and sustainability of my recovery method so far.

Re: My sorry state... 08 Mar 2018 20:54 #327955

  • lifebound
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 225
  • Karma: 35
I'm not in a great spot right now. Went to an event yesterday that turned out to be extremely triggering. I had very little hope that I would make it through the night without acting out. But thankfully I was able to overcome it by forcing myself to go for a late night bike ride and get some fresh air, and by sheer "white-knuckling". But when I woke up this morning the urge was and still is even stronger than before. It's just getting added to the 25 day old pile of lust.

If anything, this supports my belief that I'm just holding my breath. Clearly I'm doing something wrong.

Re: My sorry state... 08 Mar 2018 21:16 #327958

  • Iampowerless
  • Current streak: 19 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 234
  • Karma: 23
take a deep breath my friend and then another and another, and then pick up the phone and call a GYE buddy who went through what you are going through i'm telling you the 1st 40 days are hell and what you are feeling is very normal
in regards to "If anything, this supports my belief that I'm just holding my breath. Clearly I'm doing something wrong." one of my problems and many others is we are always looking at the future and we think it's the right thing to do to prepare ourselves etc, etc, but one of the things i'm learning in therapy is to live in the present this point of constantly being busy with the future is Called anxiety it's not real just a big bluff so don't treat it as real!
Plus every time i worry my therapist tells me think about what you are worrying could you or are you going to do something about it now and since usually the answer is no it reminds me that again i fell into the cycle of constant worrying about the future brought to me by my friend Mr Anxiety. Focus on the present and how great you are being right now even though you are triggered and feeling crappy you are letting go and surrendering to hashem! so the fact that you are feeling crappy there is nothing to do about it hashem has given you that feeling now so accept it/surrender to him because you are powerless over that feeling and to worry about the future/prepare for the future there is nothing you could do to prepare for the future (NOTHING!) so it's just anxiety don't fall into the trap to believe that it's real! Remember the trick to recovery is to learn to live in the present! and accept/ surrender and the fact that you are feeling real crappy at 25 day's clean doesn't mean you are doing things wrong most of us felt real crappy at day 25 it show's you are doing everything RIGHT!!!!!!   You are a real Tzaddik!!!

 Love Yankel!
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes
Last Edit: 08 Mar 2018 21:40 by Iampowerless.

Re: My sorry state... 08 Mar 2018 21:54 #327960

iampowerless wrote on 08 Mar 2018 21:16:
......Plus every time i worry my therapist tells me think about what you are worrying could you or are you going to do something about it now and since usually the answer is no it reminds me that again i fell into the cycle of constant worrying about the future brought to me by my friend Mr Anxiety. 


not to minimize Lifebounds concern about finding effective recovery tools  rather  just to echo what "iampowerless"  wrote in a different loshen..... 

a chashive mechanech illustrates this point with a Mother Good Rhyme which goes something like this:
"for every problem under the sun there is a solution or there is none. If there is a solution,then find it,if there is none never mind it" 

my thing is that some solutions are hard to find and not easy to implement. May Hashem guide us to health and recovery.

Re: My sorry state... 08 Mar 2018 22:18 #327963

  • Iampowerless
  • Current streak: 19 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 234
  • Karma: 23
@Aryehdovid "my thing is that some solutions are hard to find and not easy to implement." i agree with you that there are a lot of healthy tools we could think and try to implement to help us in this struggle, but it's very important to realize when it's legit that we are looking for tools and when it's just anxiety only look for tools for your struggle when you are feeling good. if you feel like popping and you are looking for tools now then it's just anxiety and bluff and it's time to surrender/accept as opposed to looking for tools!


 Love Yankel!
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes
Last Edit: 08 Mar 2018 22:20 by Iampowerless.

Re: My sorry state... 08 Mar 2018 23:08 #327968

  • Yerushalmi
  • Current streak: 18 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Senior Boarder
  • Posts: 77
  • Karma: 9
If anything, this supports my belief that I'm just holding my breath. Clearly I'm doing something wrong.

NOT TRUE!!!!!!!
You are growing stronger by the day! You are in fact so strong, that the yetzer decided to up the ante to the next level! You found yourself at an event that triggered an extreme ta'aveh. 30 days ago, you would not have hesitated to give in. But now, the new you, the stronger you, FOUGHT IT OFF FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT!!!
Why do you keep thinking that you are holding your breath? Each end every time that you are triggered, but do nothing IS A VICTORY IN IT OF ITSELF! You won today's fight, end of story! Now you are faced with tomorrow's fight. Remind yourself that you are now a fighter! If you won once, you can win again!!
Hatzlacha!

Re: My sorry state... 09 Mar 2018 04:52 #327978

  • Markz
  • Current streak: 14 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 7228
  • Karma: 369
Yerushalmi wrote on 08 Mar 2018 23:08:


If anything, this supports my belief that I'm just holding my breath. Clearly I'm doing something wrong.

NOT TRUE!!!!!!!
You are growing stronger by the day! You are in fact so strong, that the yetzer decided to up the ante to the next level! You found yourself at an event that triggered an extreme ta'aveh. 30 days ago, you would not have hesitated to give in. But now, the new you, the stronger you, FOUGHT IT OFF FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT!!!
Why do you keep thinking that you are holding your breath? Each end every time that you are triggered, but do nothing IS A VICTORY IN IT OF ITSELF! You won today's fight, end of story! Now you are faced with tomorrow's fight. Remind yourself that you are now a fighter! If you won once, you can win again!!
Hatzlacha!

נאט טרו!!!



Actually it depends on each person. But in general "If you won you can win again" essentially = "if you fight you can fight again" which essentially = "holding my breath".

So long as we are fighting and winning we have a problem. Some of us are ok with such a life, and can survive 120 years like this

Either way it's not working for me because recently I've been fighting and losing too much. 

Im currently focusing on learning how to be "Living life" and reading R Twersky on the subject and making small strides BH

Hatzlacha on whatever path you choose

KOTTT
Keep on Trucking Tanking Tooting!!!
My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
ForumInternet Restrictions




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story
Time to create page: 0.80 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes