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I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence

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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

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TOPIC: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 34622 Views

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 23 Sep 2016 11:22 #295517

cordnoy
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Watson wrote on 23 Sep 2016 07:48:

cordnoy wrote on 23 Sep 2016 03:41:

These high-bottom drunks came to AA by themselves. The question then became how to help them.

I hear you.
I still have questions but that's fine.
I am still a strong proponent of the program.
I just think that there are downsides and some are serious.

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 23 Sep 2016 11:24 #295518

cordnoy
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And for all....the first three questions of my post was with sarcasm.

The doc and I, although we don't communicate as much, are good friends. There is actually a certain spot where I travel often that I call watson's corner, for that was where our initial call was.

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

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Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 25 Sep 2016 03:50 #295546

Markz
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tttzyk wrote on 11 Sep 2013 22:23:

I (like many people here) have a problem with internet porn and being motzi zera. I want to stop so badly. It's wrong, I'm ruining my spirituality and my relationship with G-d, and the guilt is overwhelming are among the reasons why I want to stop. But at the same time, at the risk of being blunt, it is really enjoyable. I enjoy watching that stuff... which is probably why I have such a ta'avah to do it. I'm not ready to stop cold turkey because I enjoy it too much.

I recently started the 90 day chart and I hope to go clean for 30 days. I have not done that in a while. I hope this is a first step towards recovery. But, I'll be completely honest, when (if) I hit the 30 day mark, I plan to celebrate by "falling." And not only that, but I probably won't feel so guilty about it because it's going to be coming after what I consider to be a major spiritual accomplishment. And then I hope to go another 30 days (or longer if I think I can handle it), and celebrate in the same way. I'm not gonna lie, there is a bit of a sinister motivation here as well... going clean for 30 days will also allow me to "fall" without feeling the guilt.

Which brings me back to my original question... how can I do teshuvah? One of the essential components of teshuvah is azivas hacheit- abandoning the sin... making a genuine commitment to stop doing the sin. I'm not doing that! I plan (hope) to tone it down this year (especially with all of your help), but I don't plan on stopping. In fact, I am really looking forward to day 30! How can I do teshuvah??? Is it even possible for me yet???

Sounds familiar?

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Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 25 Sep 2016 14:51 #295554

Watson
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For me, every single time I struggle with lust, it's because I still want the lust. If I didn't want the lust, I could let it go, pray to G-d, carry on with my day and it wouldn't be on my mind. When I struggle, it's because I'm not willing to let it go, I just don't want it to overpower me. So I struggle with it. Even now, after all the trouble that lust has caused me, I still want it, I still enjoy it, I'm still not willing to let it go entirely and without reservation. And that has become my sticking point.

How hard is it to let go of lustful thoughts, anyway? Not intrinsically hard at all. But trying to push away lustful thoughts with one hand while clinging to it with the other is very hard work, and ultimately I'm bound to lose.

As I'm typing, an image comes to mind of a guy who is attacked by a wild tiger. Amazingly, the man can fend off the tiger so after a while the tiger starts to leave. So the man thinks he'd like to have a pet tiger so he grabs it back and continues fighting it. Neither can get the upper hand, but every time the tiger starts to leave, the man grabs it for another round of fighting. That's how it feels.

I can't stay sober while I still want lust. I want to be sober because of how wonderful living sober and free feels, but if even a little part of me still wants to hold on to that lust, even a little bit, I can't stay sober. I can't let go of the lust while I still want it. And I do still want it. Not because I don't see the harm it causes me, but because despite all the problems, lust is still comfortable and attractive.

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Last Edit: 25 Sep 2016 14:57 by Watson.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 26 Sep 2016 00:06 #295582

waydown OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 670 Karma: 7	just added a lock to my phone that would make it harder to browse. i know filters are not the end game but its a start.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 26 Sep 2016 00:12 #295583

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8258 Karma: 428	Do you need Internet access on your Phone for your work?
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Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 26 Sep 2016 03:28 #295590

stillgoing OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1700 Karma: 157	waydown wrote on 26 Sep 2016 00:06: just added a lock to my phone that would make it harder to browse. i know filters are not the end game but its a start. That's great! It's not an easy thing to do. Of course you're right, it's not an end game, but we gotta start somewhere, and sometimes it does help.
	BIG SHOT! Free Choice?! Yirai's Memories STORY TIME :) Dr. Seuss - You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go. FSKOT! (Fell Shmell--Keep on Trucking) (The Rebba R' Bards) 613stillgoing@gmail.com

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 26 Sep 2016 18:13 #295606

New Person
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waydown wrote on 18 Sep 2016 21:20:

Markz,

Re, "Look guys I'm continuing masturbating, and am not looking to change. I just want to post daily here so that I don't return to chat rooms etc"

Its kind of how you spell it out. But I would not say not looking to change. Rather as I often said I don' t want to change. I do want to want to change the M"Z part too.

Waydown, (first, forgive me that me English is not so good)

Doesn't it sound funny to you? You don't want to stop, but you do want to want!

If you don't want then why do you want to want? When I don't want to dance, I'm not dancing & I don't even want to want to dance! well why should I? or when I don't want to cut trees I'm not doing it.

What's the reason you don't want to stop? Because it gives you a good feeling, if you will give it up you will lose this pleasure, So if this is the matter, then why do you want to want? Why change? continue doing it! what's the problem?

I know why.

Because you know very well that M"Z is bad, you know that it's assur, you know that Hashem hates it, the Shulchan Aruch says that this is the worst Aveira in the torah! you are here on GYE for long time now & you know how dangerous it is, where the lust can bring, you read the stories of other chaveirim, and this gives you more then enough reasons to stop this behavior. So you truly want to want to stop, ok, then proceed, who doesn't let you want?

Who doesn't let? Myself! I don't want!

OK, I have no problem with it, but why do you want to want then?

What's going on? Do you want or you don't want?

The answer for this contradiction was the key to my recovery, I will let you think, do you understand my question???

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 26 Sep 2016 19:28 #295609

waydown
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New Person,

You really answered my dilemma in your post. I don't know what more to add. Its exactly as you say.
1) I know its against our torah
2) Lust is a dangerous pit for a married guy like me.

(Its been debated before if I was a non jew and single would I care. And perosnally I can say for myself probably not)

So why don't "I" want to stop? Because I love my lolli pops. In a similar vein I am over weight and should refrain from unhealthy food. I certainly want to want to refrain from it. But I don't refrain from it because I love chocolate cake and hate broccoli and spinach.
I really don't get the contradiction.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 26 Sep 2016 19:30 #295610

waydown OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 670 Karma: 7	Watson, Very well said. So how do I do step 1? what should I do to not "want to lust"?

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 26 Sep 2016 20:06 #295611

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8258 Karma: 428	I hear your question I was in the same boat - and decided to jump off at a certain point. I know what it's like :-)
	My Story---------Dov Quotes *FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING* *Click HERE to checkout;* • 100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more... • Awesome Threads Saved for You • Cast Your Vote ➣ GYE Plenty Solutions ➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk ➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 26 Sep 2016 22:02 #295618

shlomo24
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waydown wrote on 26 Sep 2016 19:30:

Watson,

Very well said. So how do I do step 1? what should I do to not "want to lust"?

First off, I think that this is a step in the right direction for you and you should congratulate yourself for that. In my experience there was nothing that I could do to "make me not lust" the only thing was going through very painful experiences that made me realize I needed to stop lusting. Even now I still want to lust on some days.

If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can.

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 27 Sep 2016 06:03 #295631

Watson OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1280 Karma: 85	waydown wrote on 26 Sep 2016 19:30: Watson, Very well said. So how do I do step 1? what should I do to not "want to lust"? R' Waydown, I think you know more than you're letting on . I'd like to hear what you think you should do.
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Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 02 Oct 2016 17:05 #295823

waydown
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Watson,

You are a smart man. I may not be a sherlock holmes though!!! But I'll try to suggest what I think I need to do both today and for the new year. For the time being, do whatever it takes not to entangle myself in lust. Ideas discussed a while back were distractions, davening better and avoiding triggers. We also discussed doing certain parts of the 12 steps like steps 4&5 . This will all be done even before I "officially" surrender. The hope is that the longer I hold myself back, the longer my willpower will get stronger to surrender. I think in my case this has to be the starting point. And I started last nite via not just davening that I should not be M"Z but rather asking hashem to take away the will power to M"Z. And although M shabbos is usually hard last night I was totally clean.

Re: I am Back After a Long Leave Of Absence 03 Oct 2016 06:51 #295835

shlomo24 Current streak: 1 day OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 2213 Karma: 135	Great stuff, waydown. If I can just give you one pointer; you don't need willpower to surrender, surrender comes from the lack of willpower. It's giving up. What is necessary is willingness, which is separate from willpower. There needs to be the level of honesty that one is powerless and needs help.
	If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. Email: iam24zman@gmail.com