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When and how should I discuss with my wife?
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: When and how should I discuss with my wife? 1295 Views

When and how should I discuss with my wife? 07 Dec 2015 05:45 #270631

Hi everyone, as I'm feeling my way around this wonderful site and trying to figure out which steps to take I'm seeking some guidance about when and how to discuss with my wife about my porn addiction etc. I don't think she's aware of it, nor do I think she could imagine it about me.
I was not going to have any conversation about it as long as I was just sinking in the mud, but now that I discovered GYE I can consider myself a "Recovering addict" even though I'm not sure yet how I'm going to do it. I think just the resolve to do something and the availability of many tools changes my mindset and therefore my status.
So what do you suggest? Do I discuss it or not? And how much do I say? Am I just on the forum for chizuk in Shmiras Einayim, or do I reveal my porn addiction too?
I know a husband & wife are supposed to have open communication, even about less positive things in life. But I'm not sure if this is included. Please advise me!
Feel free to email me at BenTorah.BaalHabayis@gmail.com

1 day may be too long for me, but I take it OWAAT = One wave at a time, cause the lust comes and goes like a wave which rises and crashes.

Re: When and how should I discuss with my wife? 07 Dec 2015 06:10 #270633

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Re: When and how should I discuss with my wife? 07 Dec 2015 11:30 #270636

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It is impossible for anyone here to answer that question for you. There are too many factors that we don't know about. Concentrate on your own recovery. If that includes a sponsor or mentor, discuss with him

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Re: When and how should I discuss with my wife? 07 Dec 2015 18:39 #270666

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Hi BTBH,
Just in case you don't have time or patience to browse the forum and find all the useful information that is available (among the rare piece of nonsense), I just want to summarize what I believe to be the accumulated wisdom of many hours spent on the forums.

Rosh v'rishon - BEWARE - APPROACH WITH CAUTION.

Be sure that the motivation to share with her is not just to salve your conscience at her expense, as it will probably be incredibly painful for her.

AE (a very smart and experienced member) has a rule of thumb that you should be clean for 6 months clean before taking this step (and longer if the acting out went live).

Like Cordnoy said (another smart and experienced member/moderator) noone here can really give you the answer to this, but I just wanted to give you these 2 points to consider, and hopefully you will find the right answer from the right person in the right time, and in conjunction with the chizuk you are receiving here, your Sholom Bayis will be protected and enhanced.

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Re: When and how should I discuss with my wife? 08 Dec 2015 05:46 #270729

Thanks for your response, eslaasos. I guess it's way to premature at this point. I think one reason I want to talk to her about it is because having to hide it limits my access to GYE significantly. It means either coming on here at my office or after my wife is asleep. I know this is an entirely selfish consideration, however I think I'm under an illusion that she might understand. We've had conversations in the past about this concept. For example, after the scandal with a certain Rabbi broke out (in related issues) we were talking about how it doesn't make him a bad person necessarily as at the end of the day he's a human being who was acting out of taavah just like many of us. He had the misfortune of being a Rabbi and getting caught...
Whether or not you agree with this, (I'm not trying to start a controversy) I would hope she could apply the same logic to me. But when's it's your very own husband it's probably different...
Feel free to email me at BenTorah.BaalHabayis@gmail.com

1 day may be too long for me, but I take it OWAAT = One wave at a time, cause the lust comes and goes like a wave which rises and crashes.
Last Edit: 08 Dec 2015 05:49 by BenTorah.BaalHabayis.

Re: When and how should I discuss with my wife? 08 Dec 2015 10:47 #270735

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BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote:
. But when's it's your very own husband it's probably different...


I feel with you, I'm here for around 2 years and I didn't yet share it with my wife.
I can't talk for you, you know yourself and your wife better than us.
What yes make sure that when you decide to share with her, it should be done at the right time.

Meanwhile get sober and be Matzleach
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Last Edit: 08 Dec 2015 10:49 by doingtshuva.

Re: When and how should I discuss with my wife? 08 Dec 2015 19:20 #270786

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It can definitely be very painful for our wives. Some here have reported at thier wives took it pretty well, but for the majority, I beleive the wife freaked out. I know mine did (I was caught, so I did not have to decide). It is definitely different when it is someone in the news. "that could never happen to me".

Definitely take a step back. Work on your recovery. It will be easier for your wife to handle if you can say "I've been sober for a year/ 6 months/ whatever you decide.

Either way, it's too early in the game. There are many here that would gladly speak to you on the phone or by email if you are limited in your GYE access.

For now, work on recovery.

Re: When and how should I discuss with my wife? 09 Dec 2015 04:15 #270816

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Re: When and how should I discuss with my wife? 09 Dec 2015 06:16 #270824

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If your recovery includes changing your life in general for the better, after a substantial amount of quality recovery, people around you may start to notice positive changes in you to the extent that they may wonder what's going on. That may be a nice time to start discussing disclosure with a sponsor or someone trustworthy who has experience with this. And also pretty much what others here have said.
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