Workingguy wrote on 23 Feb 2016 18:25:
I want to share one thing of my own. In my head, I was the most selfless people pleaser out there- I lived for everyone else. How could I be selfish? So I found out something else- that maybe my acting out was bc I was so selfless.
I was so busy putting everyone else's needs first that it was a painful existence- it gets tired being so nice, and in my head there was a "what about me?" Everyone else around me seemed to have a way to get their needs met, but not me. I was always sacrificing.
But there was one place I got it- masturbating. I was so deprived of just plain selfish pleasure- but legitimate ones like just taking time for myself- that it's almost like my body said- here, you give so much, you're on empty, take THIS, it tastes great.
I wonder if you think your itch might be a need to give yourself some pleasure bc you feel like your always giving. (My therapist says that some of the nicest people pleasers have the worst addictions bc they never take for themselves).
I've been kinda busy, so the last time I checked out this thread was 115 posts ago. I didn't read them all, but I browsed a bit and found this one. I'm not sure if I'm repeating something said already, but here goes....
I remember Rabbi Akiva Tatz saying something to the effect that the biggest givers are often the biggest takers. (the rest of the post is not from Rabbi Tatz)
Sometimes people like the feeling of giving. Giving in order to get. (not necessarily consciously).
Sometimes people give for reasons of people pleasing because they don't feel good about themselves.
Even if one does a chessed anonymously, it may be because he feels inferior or low. The chessed, done anonymously, says loud and clear "I must be a tzaddik, no one even knows about it". One of the al chets is for "gaavah hanelemes" (I can't recall which one specifically right now). Not outward gaavah, but a "feeling" of superiority.
I don't know if any of this applies, but I do know "ain adam roeh nigei atzmo". We paint our actions in a positive light. If a guy is an early riser and gets to shacharis on time, he thinks that "HE" has kavod for Hashem, so he gets up early. The other guy - does not. Really, it's nothing more than his nature.
There is a lot of depth to the subconscous motivations for all our actions. Even great people have misjudged their motivations. Humility is the only tool to uncover them (at least being humble enough to trust another person who can see more clearly). Otherwise, we are trapped in self-deception, and no one can help us.
As if you didn't have enough already, I just provided more food for thought. Not looking to get into any debates.
Have a good Shabbos!