"Hashivalisesonyishecho'

Yes very true I am here because I have problems with lust. but who says its has to do with how it manifests with my wife? Its has t with my bad habits which are maybe an addiction and maybe not. If its an addiction then I must stay far away from lust including me wife. However, if its not an addiction so then perhaps challenging my lust towards my wife well help as it has helped recently?

Re "maybe we are mechuyav to strive for it by moving the needle bit by bit. "
Yes I totally agree that an ultimate goal can be no lust even with one's wife. And I think BenTorah.BaalHabayis did allude to the fact that he is a kollel guy or at least learned. As such I think its wise to learn shulcah arauch orach chaim siman kuf mem (I tihink its kuf mem) where he discusses hilchos tashmish. I found this to be one of the most challenging halachos in Shulchan aruch. It gives us an eye opener where a yid should be holding in life. That being said, people as myself who have serious lust problems, here is how I would like to move the needle bit by bit. First stay clean for whatever 90 days ,100 days etc.. In the interim continue lusting for my wife whom its "normal" to lust for. Once I have reached a goal of controlling my lust, then I can say ok let move the needle up and now try not to lust for my wife. But when I am on day 2 or day 3 of my clean streak that thought is off the charts.

But it does circle back to my original question a while back.

Firstly, a correction, I meant siman Resh mem not kuf mem.

Yes I am in the same boat as you. I also feel its way above me and also don't like the lights off thing and many other halachohs. Like I said its one of the hardest halachos to keep. But my feeling is even if its above us its important to know what the true torah way is. We should at-least know what's expected of us.

Anyhow doesn't it say put on black and go into hiding when one sins? I guess that's sort of like watching porn in the dark?

Here is how I perceive selfish. Selfish is about satisfying ones need's while causing harm to another individual. I am not convinced that lust always causes harm to someone else.

One may be the most generous person in the world, but if you even want the feel-good feelin' of givin', you are selfish.