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Solutions for Tonight
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TOPIC: Solutions for Tonight 136044 Views

Re: Solutions for Tonight 24 Sep 2015 17:43 #264550

  • waydown
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Gibor you are assuming that there is only one correct solution for everything. Then yes hopefuly with time I'll understand the other side of the argument. But as you said there is no balck & white. Then in that case perhaps tehre are two solutions.

1) Only love.
2) Grab that lust obsession and fold it over into love while knocking it down to desire.

For me #2 seems to work so why not continue on that path. And I don't say option #1 is not a plan. Option 1 may work for some maybe even for the majorty.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 24 Sep 2015 18:13 #264559

  • MBJ
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If I may add two points.

It may be true that allowing lust in and directing it to your wife is ok for a normal person, but for and addict, and I am not saying you are, who feeds on lust like a junkie on heroin, there is no place for it. We are not like normal people we have a disease.

The second point and this is perhaps more important is this itch you keep talking about. The saying goes the more you feed it the more you need it. The itch is there because you feed the lust. The less you feed it the less insistent it becomes. That should be your first focus because that is the first step to breaking free. To break that dependence.
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Re: Solutions for Tonight 24 Sep 2015 18:19 #264561

  • gibbor120
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waydown wrote:
Gibor you are assuming that there is only one correct solution for everything.
I don't see where I said that in my post.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 24 Sep 2015 18:27 #264566

  • Markz
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I love this rischa deoraysa. Waydown I do agree with you what you wrote 98%.

1% I'd like to hear how you and your wife plan to cope with her skipping make up when she's nidda like I pointed out earlier today

The other 1% I hope to dscs with you later
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Re: Solutions for Tonight 24 Sep 2015 18:40 #264569

  • Markz
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The other 1%
Every wife needs compliments from her husband, so if all you can muster is 'you're beautiful like these sick models with lipstick and fake eyelashes etc' then she'll have to take it. Maybe she gives the impression she's ok comparing her to the porn industry but she wishes for better. She probably knows where you're up to and can't expect more. I'm partially talking to myself here. What's your thoughts
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Re: Solutions for Tonight 24 Sep 2015 19:17 #264574

  • cordnoy
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waydown wrote:
Thats my point Cordnoy. Why must a wife have an external look good for her husband. Love is not an external thing. All make up is, is an external thing. Thats why its such a good example.

"Her looking good is just another way for the husband to be attracted to her and feel good around her."

In english that means her husband should itch for her. Why does a husband "feel good" about make up?

If she is smelly or messy then yes you have a point. Its ot good to be around someone repulsive. Thats not a sexual issue. But make up??


Love might not be external, but the externals affect love.

attraction = itch!? that is someone who has a lust overdrive!
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Re: Solutions for Tonight 24 Sep 2015 19:35 #264578

  • cordnoy
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waydown wrote:
Gibor you are assuming that there is only one correct solution for everything. Then yes hopefuly with time I'll understand the other side of the argument. But as you said there is no balck & white. Then in that case perhaps tehre are two solutions.

1) Only love.
2) Grab that lust obsession and fold it over into love while knocking it down to desire.

For me #2 seems to work so why not continue on that path. And I don't say option #1 is not a plan. Option 1 may work for some maybe even for the majorty.


you can continue with 2, for that is your prerogative; however, if you want advice from people like Gibbor, it is a recipe for disaster.

And usin' that as a segway to your first comment about Gibbor, and his subsequent one, perhaps take this advice (from a lust addict): from your posts it appears that you are insistent, stubborn and close-minded (and when I joined GYE, I was called out by Pure Daniel as bein' a: self centred, egotistical self-obsessed guy; and guess what? I learned from it), and therefore I would suggest (again) to stop or curb the combative nature of yours and spend some time listenin' to others and digestin' what they have to say. Keep practicin' your mehalech at home, but leave an open mind. If after a week or so of thinkin' of what others have been tellin' you, you decide that it is garbage for you, so discard it and let us know.

b'hatzlachah to you; hopin' for only the best for you, as you are on a real good road
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My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1Page 2Page 3Last Page

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Last Edit: 24 Sep 2015 19:46 by cordnoy.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 24 Sep 2015 20:25 #264585

  • eslaasos
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waydown, I wouldn't be surprised if at this point you feel like people are ganging up on you, but maybe your self-esteem is stronger than mine.

There were times when I too deliberately chose to do something I knew was wrong because it was better than the alternative. I don't know if it was right or wrong, (and I'm really not looking forward to the time when I'll find out), but it did divert me away from worse places for a while.
It NEVER gave me a long term solution, and it still left me with a different set of baggage. There's no such thing as doing bad with good intentions = doing good.

I saw a post in a different website regarding escapism which is also true here.
It's OK to escape as long as:
1. You know it's an escape
2. You have a long term plan in addition to the short term plan.
3. It's not too harmful

Sounds like you are well aware that this is a short term plan, and that you need to have a long term plan.
The only difference of opinion we have, following this model, is whether your attitude is harmful. I don't think either of us is going to change our minds so I'd like to close this specific conversation from my side agreeing to disagree, and wishing each other well.
I sincerely apologize if I offended you in the course of the conversation, as that was never my intention.
Hatzlocho raboh my friend, and let's find something else to debate.
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Last Edit: 25 Sep 2015 14:30 by eslaasos. Reason: Grammar

Re: Solutions for Tonight 24 Sep 2015 20:49 #264589

  • Markz
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waydown wrote:
Every guy here is a holy kodosh yid... We realize that life requires us to make hard choices some times. Ashrecha may we all be zocha to a holy kodosh vtahardik year with gezunt parnasa and lots of nachas!


Anyone that's baki in chadrei waydown, will have to concede that he's a holy kodosh yid!
I'm proud to be rubbing shoulders with you waydown, and I enjoy debating with you too

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Last Edit: 24 Sep 2015 20:50 by Markz.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 25 Sep 2015 08:12 #264628

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unanumun wrote:



I do believe from my own experience, that the only way to really understand the difference is by experience. The more I worked to identify when I was lusting, the more I learned to tell the difference.....
.....
Your wife may appreciate being told that she looks like a model and might be excited that you itch for her. But you have not really provided her with anything else. If someone grows up is whole life drinking watered down liquor he will enjoy it. He is just unaware that there is a concept of good liquor and does't realize that the real unwatered down stuff is in a whole league altogether.
The more you manage to deal with your lust without your wife (and without acting out) and train yourself to have your relationship with her based on only love without lust, both you and your wife will realize what you were missing all these years, and there will be no turning back.
My marriage was very healthy and positive, but as I learned to stop lusting (and that I can stop and don't have to lust) my marriage and relationship with my wife blossomed into a tremendously different level. I wish this on you as well.


Waydown, in sevara there may be no way to convince you. However, once you personally experience what the oilam is trying to concince you of, you will understand.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 25 Sep 2015 11:20 #264635

  • Markz
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unanumun בשם unanumun wrote:
There is a concept of good liquor and does't realize that the real unwatered down stuff is in a whole league altogether

Good point, we gotta try the real stuff. לחיים ברידער!!
If later one of the guys gets addicted to alcohol, nu nu, so he'll have to join AA too, אין בעיה, he'll get over it.
Anyone volunteering to be a sponsor?
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Last Edit: 25 Sep 2015 11:22 by Markz.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 25 Sep 2015 13:37 #264646

  • waydown
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Markz re the nida thing,

Thats no an argument. Because its not like oh every day she wears make up automaticlly=itch, no make up not automaticlly itch. Its a general process. And at the end of the day that make up is clealry to look good externally for her husband.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 25 Sep 2015 13:40 #264647

  • waydown
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Markz re your two pointers,

1) Yes I agree that for an addict my approcah may be dangerous. But who knows who is truely an addict and who is not.
2) I agree the more you feed that itch generally the worse it gets. But it has helped me enourmously to know that I have muterdika feeds for that itch. It lessens the itch. (The gemara calls it Pas baslao).

Re: Solutions for Tonight 25 Sep 2015 13:41 #264648

  • waydown
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Markz re the other 1%.

No I often compliment my wife on other issues as well. I don't think I lack complimenting her in other stuff. Although its never enough.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 25 Sep 2015 13:44 #264649

  • waydown
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Cordnoy,
Why does external affect love? Love is an inner thing. Yes one who is ugly or repulsive is hard to love because they disgust you not because of a sexual attraction. But someone who is normal why the external stuff. The answer is because loving ones wife is differnet than loving ones mother. Love for a spouse has to have some type of lust (or call it a sexual) attraction.
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