So I had a fall. This time I was looking at nudity and I let go of my defenses and drank the lust. I stoped at a point though, called my wife just to say hi and then called SA. I am meeting him today at 10.30 am.

I have a problem with wanting to be a woman, but this time I think my disease progressed. I don't want to be a woman so much, cos I refrained much from that while acting out yesterday. I want to act out with a live woman. Of course. So when I went home with a bus a woman sat next to me, and I was begining to shake, I really wanted some sort of contact, but on the other hand I was looking away. So thank God, my wife called in that moment and then the woman went off the bus. My crazy mind made me think that the woman would want to have something with me. Then I picked up some food in the evening, I was shaking as I was talking with the girl at the counter, I went away. But that shaking never happened to me before. I was always the depressed type after the acting out. But the truth is, I was still acting out at time, I never stopped really.

I wanted to tell my wife everything. But I slaped my face for being such egomaniac, for acting out while knowing how it will hurt others. She has all those worries and work and everything and I will put another burden on her.

As I was at home, my phone rang. It was the therapist I called yesterday. He runs a group, he is an ex-alchoholic and accepts people with all sorts of addiction and so on. But I was afraid to pick up the phone. So I said to my wife that the person calling is just some woman from work that is bothering me. I lied.
I am sorry about that. And the fact that I feel I need to lie. And that I am in this position.

Why, why, why?
Maybe because I didn't follow the program set. I am sick (my throat is really hurting me for more than 2 weeks now...), my hip and back hurt, I am not doing the workouts, I don't clean up in the evening and then do it in the morning, in the morning I don't do the energization exercises or read, I am not reading at all much just the Big Book and was having trouble with step 4 (I didn't finish, I just did resentments and then stopped saying I will do it later), I wasn't thankful.
What now?
I don't know. I am meeting the SA guy today. And I will call the therapist if he would allow me to join his program and not give my wife the full program that would demand of her to run, read and attend many meetings. I don't think he will say yes, because his program demands that you have a loved one present. It is because of the loved one that the addicts there find footing, grow and find serenity. I don't know, what to ask him?

The pictures I saw were like a slap to my forehead. I wasn't shaking like I was always before, I was shaking next to women.

I don't want to meet the SA guy. I don't want to live like picking up the phone all the time and listening to addicts, I don't want to have talks at meetings where thousands of people come. Damn what kind of a crowd is that? I don't want my kids to learn: Yeah daddy is an addict and he needs to have his talk, so just let him do his talk.
This is so degrading.

But I don't have an option. The only way I stopped yesterday is by calling that SA guy. So, today I will meet him and will go from there. I need serenity or I will die. If I get together with a lady, I will probably get very agressive to my wife and child and I will have to leave my family. That wouldn't be degrading, it would be the way of things and sort of normal in our society, but I would know the truth and so would my family. I didn't fight for them. So this is me, fighting for my family. I don't know any other way.

So Elya asked me long ago in my thread and it hit me: Is it working?

My efforts didn't work. I know I wasn't working the program set and I know I got tired too soon, I did pray to God and I did let go and let God and I was trusting him more and more. So what happened? I was slipping in my everyday life and I was feeling sorry for myself and I was resentful and stopped believing my Higher Power to take my resentments, my fears and my character defects away.
Can I do anything about this mess? I feel like such a fake and a liar. I can't lie to my wife, I need to tell her about this. I will, just that she finishes a project she has first. I will tell her until then I will try to survive.
I don't know what to do? I can't do a thing, I can't act out, so I will go to that SA guy and hear the instruction and I will call the therapist and ask, ok now what? What else is there

it's 10 am, i feel hesitant

I AM BLOWN AWAY, AND WILL BE CHEERING FOR YOU TODAY

And by the way, for the near future, your wife does NOT need to know anything about this, and the long future nor do your children

.... I really wanted to go. The guy called me and I said yes, it was 10 am and then a user came into my office and I had to stay at work. I didn't make it. So I canceld.

Tomorrow is also bad, so I will try thursday.

This is making me want to act out.

So, I am honest, I am here, so baby steps. I will meet the guy during working hours and thursday is a good day. Maybe even tomorrow. Slowly guys, slowly.

Your commitment is good; follow thru with it please.
Like always, keep us posted.

did you say a group of a thousand people? Really?

b'hatzlachah

hatzlacha raba on your continuing journey

Day 1

I got cleaned up and brushed up and I doing my best at my chores. But now comes the other part, I will set a meeting tomorrow hopefully or perhaps even today.

I am better from the sickness (throat,...) and hopefully I will find my way back through doing the steps and reaching out to SA. I am afraid, very, but I need to make the step even though it is hard for me.

I feel that a certain SA reading is appropriate here. I forgot the exact words but it goes something like "when we took the final step we thought it would be off the edge into oblivion, but what we found was a whole new way of life". If you feel that SA is what is right for you yehoshua then take the leap of faith, don't worry, god will catch you

Full day today, had a meeting till now, so haven't met with the SA guy yet. I saw a revealing film with nudity, it wasn't part of my education or work, but it was a film i have for educational purposes. So I will reset...

yehoshua wrote:


I get the feelin' that you're bein' too hard on yourself.
Lighten up a bit.
If I'm wrong, which I very well may be, simply ignore the suggestion.

B'hatzlachah

thank you cordnoy

Feelin better, i felt such spiritual malady that i could jump out the window. The emptiness...

i calked the therapist, he said, i cant join if ny wife isnt with me doung the full programm

So i asked him, what he suggests. He said better something than nothing.

All well, but days are passing and i am hanging. But then i felt that i will always be hanging, so i turned to my Higher Power

and the sun started shining, it was ok

What something better than nothing did he suggest (go ahead and jump out the window)?
If a therapist doesn't help me, I have moved on to the next one
Hatzlacha

He said that SA group is better then nothing.

Well... He said that there are many therapists out there and that he just can't take me, since my wife was expecting and yes, we got a beautiful baby girl. He can't take me, because I wouldn't be able to follow his program since I would tend to my family and wouldn't have the time... And then I asked what he felt about SA groups and he said that something is better than nothing.

So here I am, still alone. That is the truth, even though i feel llike progressed somehow, but just now I am slipping. I saw some s*ft scenes on Youtube and I really want to act out. So I am here, again. ... I didn0t fall, but I don't have anywhere to turn.

Again it is because i feel overwhelmed and tired and angry. I feel like I have the right to do it and like I really need to do it, just once. So sweet.

Now what? Call someone, call, please call, just call, just call, call, get up and call.... but who... just call SA gruop, don't join them, call, call..... (my experience tells me, i should call)

I can empathize with your feelings. I've also had some instances recently where I was feeling a desperate need to act out, if only once. And I've been clean for a few months so it's only fair... 
But I know better. Because I know that there's no such thing as only once, and if I allow it once I am essentially inviting the lust to dominate me again and take over my life. And it's not "fair" to allow myself to let that happen to me. And I also know that as sweet as I feel this will be I won't be able to face myself after all is done. 

Yes, I know better. But will my actions reflect what I "know"? I'm not sure myself. 

I PM'd you, Yehoshua...afraid it might not be for public consumption...you agree?