Just stopping by. Sober, sober, sober.

I am taking the first step and want really die to lust. How soon I forget, that my life becomes unamanageable, my life is unmanageable. Even though I haven't lost everything, I still got my job, still got my wife and child, still got a car, an appartement, still have friends (though at a distance).

Do I need to loose all that, to understand who I am, what my sickness is?

I know I am in crisis. So just for today!

On the other threads you wrote uplifting words and you displayed a real positive attitude. May you continue....with God's grace....one day at a time.

Just for today.

I am clean. I did have slips though, I don't have real happy energy, a darn, you know, I want to act out, get the relieve. So I typed in NA anonymous testimonial in the youtube, it is as close as i get to "going to meetings", and I feel so humbled and so happy for today and whatever comes, God will help us, He will provide, it will be ok, it will really be ok.

I don't know, I am crying. It comes from this speaker T. from LA, he describes how at one meeting (it was at the beginning) he was listening to this older speaker who said he is not using, so T. went up to the older speaker after the speach and asked: You mean you don't use at all?

No, said the older speaker.

You mean, you are not using anything? asked T.

No, nothing.

So, just for today, I am not using anything. I would curse here if it were allowed and then, I can do that, I will say: Baruch Hashem, THANK YOU.

I am Miha, and I'm a porn addict. And I am sober today.

Help me Hashem. just for today.

So honestly. This is hard. Saturday morning I woke up and halfasleep I started fantasizing. I didn't touch myself, I did ask Hashem for help, I did say, I am helpless, but the thoughts of fantasy were sweeter and then without a touch, only through the twist of my fantasy, I ejaculated in my bed.

What was the problem. I didn't hear my alarm clock and didn't get up early, so I felt like a loser, cos I don't measure up. But that wasn't the only problem. I guess I am still not taking my desease seriosly enough.

I don't know. It might have been a slip, becuase I thought the fantasy isn't all that bad. The bad part is, that I am fighting it, like a helpless little woman and that is part of the fantasy that I get caught in. I didn't get up, say the serenity prayer and call someone and then go to a meeting that day.

I don't do those things anyhow, but at least I could have said the serenity prayer and then read the big book.

Today I had a slip. I watched funny vids where there was kissing and pretty girls, but nobody naked. So that is a slip.

Now I am watching the steps explained on YouTube.

So honestly, may I be so bold to ask: Is the Saturday morning a fall? It wasn't in my inner circle of acting out? Do I reset my count? I mean a fantasy, that is so rediculous, but so deadly and so acting out - I don't do it much, but it is killing me, when I do. So ok, I will put it in my inner circle.

One day at a time.

All the best to You my brothers.

Of course, I really want to act out. But one day at a time.

It was a fall. My daughter looked at me as though looking through me.

Sober, 3. day :-)


So yesterday I was returning a book in the library. I got an email, that it will soon be overdue. I had three books at home, two of them (on running) were to be returend and the third one (with the title "Letters from the world of drugs") I could still keep.

So I returned one on running and asked if I could keep the other one on running, I wanted to extend it. But I forgot that I had already extended it one time, so it needed to be returned. Suddenly after a brief pause, she said, ok I can extend it for one more week. I was really happy.

Then I saw, that she saw the title of the other book. The book about the letters of addcits. And I wanted to say: Hey, it's not what you think. I am not an addict, I'm not a crack head."

But, then it dawned. I am an addict. No worse, no better.

What a shame. I took my things and left.

Publicly, I am an addict.


But hey, 3 days clean.

P.S. Another turn of my addiction. But will it help me stay clean. No. I need the steps, so I am reading the big book and i will do the 4th step.

Had a quick slip, I was watching the site for online dating. I closed it.

This will be hard.

Day 9

In the morning I had keri. Darn, I feel like I have prevented it, like I still let it happen. I am one sorry sad little prick. And I really really want to act out. I am reading my older posts.

So just for today. I am helpless, I am really helpless. If I act out it will spiral, I will do things I would never imagine to be capable of. Like real life acting out with a woman or a man, and from there I would hurt my wife and daughter, I believe physically too - I have this in me, I know.

Now when there is a problem, any sort of problem, I react like a mensch, with humor or with a bad face and a question: why is this necessary? That seems so good. And the weekend was really so good, this is the insanity. I don't understand how I got from everything ok to everything really bad.

I mean keri. So i got up, washed myself and went back to bed. Then woke up at 4 am and started cleaning and preparing for the day.

I think that might be it. I was too lazy in the evening to do anything, saying I will do it in the morning. But then with all the cleaning there was no time for my morning workout. I knew that will happen and that brings such a frustration in me. And the marathon is coming up, I am not running at all, there is this nerve that hurts crazy when I run more then 10 min - on other hand I don't have the money to go to this physiotherapist to fix me up.

I mean I did everything in the morning, I even read my book. But I feel aimless and without energy. And in my other tab there is a p* site and I watched only the dressed part, I really want to act out. Just one time.

just for today, just for15 minutes

Phew it is toughhhh

Remember - sobriety is achieved when we tell ourselves we will take a baby step (of the 12) and other guardyoureyes tools "just for today, just for15 minutes"

Having so much trouble, I so despretly want to act out. Really I am in a faze, where I watch just the beginning of a porn movie. I don't look at anything graphic, but you know just a bit and then if something were to come up, I wouldn't be the one to blame. It just appeared there and I shut it down as soon as there was danger.

Yesterday, I did the same thing. And it was the first sip, I know I was taking the first drink of porn.

Yeah, after a hard days work I deserve it. So it figures, I guess. My sick mind.

So I called out, I asked Hashem to help me, please please please help. And then I called Elya (Eyenonymous). Thank you dude, it was just for a minute, but I remained sober, I didn't masturbate and I stopped playing around. I went for a one hour hike on a nerby mountain (it was around 8 pm, all dark, went with a flashlight).

But still it burns in me, and I want to act out so bad. I want to be a woman and have sex like one. That is the fantasy.

But Elya gave me a feeling of being human, of being a man. Thank you Elya.

Now, again. I am alone at work, so I am of the read the big book.

Thanks for sharing, yehoshua. I'm going to assume you're a real addict in this post, but please keep in mind that there's a fine line between a hard user and a real addict when it comes to lust, and I have no experience whatsover with what it's like for a regular hard user; I can only speak from my experience.

Page 62 of the big book says "Selfishness - self-centredness! That, we think is the root of our troubles...So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making." so, whenever I feel like I'm "having so much trouble", as you mentioned, I have to look at where selfishness and ego are active in my life.

A second point is that lust was really helpful for me when I was using it; it saved me from an internal spiritual vacuum that left me alone and apart from the world, and then just one thought and halleluyah! I was alive! I felt part of a world I had seen but never experienced. Problem is, once I started, I couldn't stop. I came to GYE thinking I was a hard user, and I stayed sober for 30 days, but I was dying inside, because of this spiritual vacuum that the big book calls a "malady" or "sickness". Worst part is, my mind kept tricking me into starting again after a year of sobriety, and I didn't even want sobriety any more, because lust was the only solution I had ever known to this hole inside of me that kept driving me closer and closer to suicide.

The solution, for me, to both this selfishness, and this spiritual malady that was the root of it all was a humility in saying "my relationship with HaShem isn't working for me.", and then following the path through the big book that my sponsor and his sponsor took to get RECOVERY, and forming a "faith that works" with HaKadosh Baruch Hu that has uplifted me to a new level of existence, where I feel as though I am floating with my head in the clouds, yet my feet planted firmly on the ground being a part of this world and this life and feeling love for HaShem, my fellows, and myself that I never knew possible.

I once heard a gr8 quote "did we come to SA to stay technically sober or to change my life around?" playing with porn is playing with fire, even though u may be technically sober. i once was on phone sex the whole night and didn't lose it technically. cordy was like "u lost sobriety" it doesn't matter that i didn't finish.

on a lighter note, kol hakavod about reaching out. getting out of my head is very necessary, especially when i am knee deep in the lust.

hatzlacha

Thanks guys. Today I am clean, no fall, no slip. I am reading the AA big book. One day at a time.

thanks

I have been thinking about it all Shlomo, you are right. Technically I am sober, that gave me so much joy and pride. But I am here to change my life. So I will reset my count.

All I have in this fight is my honosty here. This is the only accountability and it has to stand. Here I am writting my whole truth. Thank you Shlomo.

So no slip today and no fall today. But it is all up to you Hashem, only you can take it away.