iwillmanage wrote on 12 Dec 2024 22:36:

Oh baby.

Here I was stuck between wanting to watch again and thinking I should flee mine office when you served up that fastball. Here we goooooooooooooo.

I must've posted that exact question at least . . . once. Read through my whole thread several times and dok v'tishkach. Okay fine, I'll elaborate. No need to pester. Can't elaborate as long as I'd like because I'm late, but happy to discuss more in depth.

I definitely asked this to Dov in exactly that form. I don't remember his answer, or I didn't understand it, but here's what I think. Keep in mind that although I think highly of the 12 steps, I have zero affiliation with that mehalech.

First, why do I think I can't get out of it myself? 

I really like porn on at least one level. I also have poor self-control. I've also trained myself that this sweetest escape solves all of life's scrapes and bruises. So although in the short term there are alot of things I can do to stop myself acting out, in the long term, I seem to just lose interest in doing those things or they lose their effectiveness. I'm simply not strong enough or motivated enough to stay away from this stuff long term. At the very least, my behavior has not demonstrated otherwise.

At the same time, I'm not hubristic enough to believe that I'm so wicked I cannot get clean. 

So we have these two conflicting ideas. One the one hand, I can't get clean. On the other hand, I must be able to get clean.

What's the answer? I can't do it but someone else can. Hashem is capable of doing literally anything.

So we come to our second part of the equation. Hashem will get me out. You ask a good question. Why should he? Why will he?

This is good question. Let's turn it around. Why won't He? This thing is spiritually harmful and causes me great pain. I firmly believe he wants neither of those things.

If so, why hasn't he yanked me out yet? 

So I think the answer to that is 1) You have to do your part. G-d is not a deus ex machina come to yank me out of pain and shower me with 72 virgins. There's a lot of work that is in our control and G-d helps the sailor - but the sailor must row. You gotta do everything in your power. 2) G-d's help is not gonna destroy the problem. That appears to not be how the world works. G-d's help pulls you through the problem. Don't look for G-d as an escape hatch. You won't find that. Look for him as a generous helping hand giving you exactly what you need and helping you through.

In short. G-d is infinitely kind. We only think he won't help us because we think he hasn't been helping us so far. But that's because we're not interested in what he has to offer. We want either lust, or no issue with lust. We want a "Get out of jail and into a mansion free card".

That does not exist, generally speaking.

With love and never-ending

Shëm

I say in all sincerity that I have no doubt you will rise from this fall, better and stronger then ever  and continue to be a source of strength in this fight for so many!!

chosemyshem wrote on 12 Dec 2024 21:21:

Thank you for the love and sending some back. 
Hope you have a Shabbos of Shalom.


Side note:
Reb Akiva,
Can you please darshen for me what the kesser means above the letter e?

I relate to how you describe what you see as your inability to do this yourself. I feel much the same. But I still don't get your plan going forward. As you so rightly say, Hashem won't pull you out if you don't do your bit. So doesn't your plan have to focus on your side of things, the actions you have to take? Knowing that Hashem can and wants you out of this mess won't get you anywhere. And if those actions are the ones you listed in the 'short / medium term plan' (which in any case you say lose effectiveness for the long term), why would you say that you aren't doing it yourself (more than anything that we do in life is only 'bezras Hashem')?

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.

I said, “Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter—bitter,” he answered;
“But I like it
“Because it is bitter,

“And because it is my heart.”

Great poem. Alas today is not a day for poetry. Or, at least not that type.

Try this one on for size:


But perhaps that's too self-consciously enjoying pain. Today's not a day for writing. But let's try this.

I bang my head into a wall
Will I or the wall first fall
Bang bang bang bangbangbang
Bloody eyes only see red
Was it always or never I said
 bang

Don't care or care too much
Each time I've never felt such
Want Want Want Want Want Want
Want to stop or want to start
I feel an empty place no heart
To want

chosemyshem wrote on 16 Dec 2024 22:36:

Ill take scene two, (if you please)